The Review Club Forum Discussion on Kim Roach's True..

Kim Roach	[no subject] 19 Years Ago Cdnsurfer, thanks for the review. Quote: [The introduction of the absent father, I hope is explained soon. The reason is while it shows Roxy�s character, it also raises questions that you want some answers to right away. Things like was he a good man? Did Roxy hate him? It could be something as simple as �That b*****d.� That would answer it.] Okay, yes this gets explained, but not for a couple chapters in. Perhaps you are right about making how she feels about him clear right away. I thought I did that by the way I worded the sentence, but rereqading it just now, I realized I cut that in my editing. Opps. Quote: After making herself presentable [Lose this, as the whole of the above was her making herself presentable. It�s redundant.], I do beleive you are correct here as well. I thought so too, but was looking for a bridge. Quote: Three steps into her journey, Roxy stopped and without thinking, the word, �Crap,� sprung from her lips. She covered her mouth and looked around for anyone who may have heard. Dang it Roxy, you are here for a whole two minutes and you�re already talking to yourself. You don�t want to be known for that again. [The problem I�m having here with this paragraph, while it functions, it�s dragging the scene. Up to this point we already know it�s her first day of a new school, she�s nervous and wants to make a good impression. While it adds character, it just doesn�t add enough character. At this point you can start focusing on who Roxy is, and what�s she�s all about; other than what we already know.] Yea. Actually I'm considering starting the story here and cutting the part where she is trying to build herself up inside the car. That is something the others suggested. I think it would cut down on the redundancy. Quote: She peered through the window and saw the keys dangling in the ignition. Her shoulders drooped. �Bleh,� she said as she looked up at the sky as though asking �why me.� She bit her lip and glanced around. Seeing the area [de]void of people, she stared at the lock, pointed, concentrated on forcing her will upon it, while giving a quick gesture that caused the door to unlock. [I liked this right up until she used her mind to open the door. The problem is this. While you and I might find that tragic, she shouldn�t. She can just use her mind. You and I have to ask someone for a coathanger or call a locksmith.] This is a problem for her. Not in the way it is for you or me, but in a way that she is trying to be normal and having to use her powers to get her keys isn't normal. Quote: Wow,� Roxy said absentmindedly, examining him, taking note of his sandy blond hair, wiry build, khaki slacks, and button up shirt. The backpack he wore pulled his shoulders back, which gave him an air of confidence. Roxy paid special attention to the bright glow that seemed to radiate from his inner being and she could not help but stare. [Now the descriptions are good and strong, but the problem I�m having is wondering how this serves the story. Do we need to know he looked confident if it doesn�t play out in this story somewhere. Does that make sense? I hope so.] No, It doesn't really make sense, what do you mean? Quote: [Okay the problem with the above scene isn�t so much the reactions, and counterreactions, but lack of set up. Stephanie�s an in-your-face-dreamer, so show that in her character immediately. Something about her description that shows that character. Not just that she�s fat. What are her clothes like that leads that character? What about her voice? What about the words she chooses. May be she wears a t-shirt that reads �Dream Girl�. Does that make sense? With Peter we have the same problem. That�s pretty bold of him to mouth words at a girl he doesn�t know. Slick his hair back. Make his teeth pearly white. Make his tall, chiselled. Do you see what I mean? Every element must serve character or story.] Okay with Stephanie, there is motivation behind what she does, but it wouldn't be reflected in the way she dresses, since she is a cult member and a t-shirt saying dream girl wouldn't be appropriate atire. Same thing with Peter. You may think he is being bold, but there are reasons for his actions, which get explained later. (Just as she sees a light shining from him, he sees one from her) Quote: [Is it important that the air was southern Californian heat? May be it was hot and it let the cool air out of the room, but of course Roxy wouldn�t notice that since she just came in from outside. It would be cool to her to come into an air conditioned room. Does it matter than the desk separated students for employees? For example, is there a distinction between students and employees in the way they behave? Perhaps Roxy hated the way adults talked down to her, so the separation matters.] California heat, is my way of giving the reader an idea of where they are. The suggestion about the way adults talk to her is a good one. But, the intention of the line is to show that Roxy sees lines that seperate her from everyone else all the time. Remember she thinks she's a freak. Quote: [Why did this happen? Isn�t there a better way to get them into the same class room other than have Peter manipulate it? Why can�t it happen from coincidence? It seems forced.] There is a reason for this and the fact your asking why it happened is a good thing... Doesn't it make you wonder if there is something special about the class? Quote: [While the spirit familiar is interesting, the focus seems to be on a guy. The problem I�m having with that is certainly it�s a teenage girl�s fantasy, but why can�t it be about something bigger than a relationship? I think you might want to hold that back a bit longer too. Don�t jump right into her magical abilities and things too early. Let�s see her as a normal teenager before you start adding all this stuff in here. We want to relate to the character, and when you add special powers and abilities too soon, it distances us.] I think you are the first person who said they didn't like Laelana. The focus is on the guy, but you need to remember this story is actually told both through Roxy's and Peter's point of views. He is as much a main character as she is. Although the story is a bit of a love story, it is about the presures these people live with from being differnt, which is why I want to incorporate the magic from the start. Quote: Roxy went on the hunt for study hall, excited to see Peter and curious why he enrolled her in an unnecessary class. The large school of over three thousand students proved a challenge to navigate and she arrived at every period late that day. Finding C wing as the tardy bell already rang, she jogged down the hall. Of course, it was the room furthest away from every other in school. She stepped in wondering if the teacher would be a jerk about being late like all the others. [Drop the above paragraph. Start with �You must be Roxy�. Cleaner opening. We can figure out the details as we go.] I think you are right about this. I was wondering how that worked out. I think I will rework the begining of this chapter. Quote: Roxy�s face reddened when all eyes focused on her as she nodded. She froze staring at the teacher and trying desperately to ignore the gaping of the other students. [Why are they gaping at her? Is there food stuck in her teeth? Drop that part.] A pleasant smile crossed Mr. Fitzgerald�s pudgy face and made the forty-year-old man look ten years younger. Roxy gasped at the soft glow that illuminated the area around him. She stepped back, confused by the sight. [Why were things illuminated like a magical glow here?] It's her perception that everyone is staring. It doesn't mean they are. I put that in to show she is self concios. Does that make sense, or do I need to elaborate to show that better? It's good you ask why people are illuminated, because that is what she is wondering and that shows you are in her head and the moment. Quote: [You know how to show us the room. You know about description. The problem here is does it matter to the story that the lino on the floor was peeling up? It�s a great description, but the story pauses here while we scan the room with you. The other problem is you just made this room and class magical, so to now move to mundane isn�t working. Keep the feel magical if that�s what you want.] Actually, no, I want to show that it is mundane and that the whole class and room are not magical, just a couple of the people. Quote: [I hope James is important. If he�s here for compare/contrast, then show how he looks and feels different from Peter. Do it now when you�re describing them next to each other.] James is important. Although you are right, perhaps showing a contrast to the way he feels differnt from Peter even though he glows too, isn't a bad idea. Quote: [Study hall? Why was it necessary to get her into study hall with Peter by having a now passive appearing and acting Peter boldly step into the office and convince the secretary to register her for this class. What special about this class that they couldn�t have met equally the same by having calculus together.] Hmm, I don't want to give this away yet, but I thought the hints about how some of the people glowed showed that the class was not just study hall... Quote: [Do we need the physical description of Peter now? It�s fine description but I don�t see how it serves the plot or story, nor how it develops character.] Yes.. I wanted to have her take a better look and give more description of the characters. Quote: Don�t get ahead of yourself. Roxy focused on her homework. [What homework? She just arrived in class and it�s study hall?] It's study hall. Homework from other classes. Wasn't this clear from Mr. Fitzgerald's speach? Quote: [Owww!!! Get Laelana out of the scene. Don�t drop spirits in to answer the questions we want to solve and we want the characters to do stuff, so we can figure it out. It�s the hand of God thing that�s a no-no. Let one of them tell her at the right time. A bit of suspense is good.] Why is this bad? This sets up the next scene. Quote: [I hope this didn't come across as too harsh. Just wanted to make sure you got my immediate commentary, sometimes line for line. Cheers!] Nope not too harsh at all. I would prefer staright forward opinion and you make a lot of great suggestions. Thanks for the review.
Cdnsurfer	[no subject] 19 Years Ago I'm glad it helped. I am going to comment your comments tomorrow, but let's discuss this so we can get it fleshed out. Largely, when I refer to having everything serve the story it's something I recently discovered in my writing, that I've heard explained over and over again in writing books but never quite understood it. I always thought well obviously, everything serves the story because everything is the story. By way of example, while writing chapter 2 of the novel that was suppose to be a 500 word flash (now over 6,000 words and going), I theme it "The Memory of a Spider on a Wall". Everything I'm writing into the chapter is theme around childhood, love, death, and a spider on the wall (as metaphor for being small, powerless and watching). Suddenly, what is happening is every scene and every line is serving or designed to serve those themes. A recent scene I wrote involves the narrator and his friend talking about death, and she scratches the theme on the wall (a spider). So the scene now serves the theme. So, what is the theme of the first two chapters? I would think it's about freshness and metaphorical birth. The beginning. So, if that's the case have the scenes and words serve that theme. Beginning and new. For example, let's just play around a bit with that theme: "Roxy scuffed the heels of her new runners on the curb, as she stepped up onto the sidewalk. The day was new, the air fresh, although a dull yellow haze hung in the distance. She looked down, pulling at the creases of her blue blouse she bought last night at the GAP with the last of her Christmas money. Watching the faces of strangers around her, she felt like a new born calf stepping out for the first time into the light of a barn." The idea is to write to the theme with each line. Does that make sense? I will address those comments tomorrow. Cheers! Rob
Kim Roach	[no subject] 19 Years Ago Actually, that makes a lot of sense. Oh boy, you've given me a lot to think about here. And explained it in a way that I get. You know, I think you are the last person to make a significant differnce in my writing as well, with a peice of advice you gave me on Urbis about semi-passive statements. Now, I think you just gave me another bit that will help me a lot. I think you hit the nail on the head on what is lacking in my writing. With theme in mind, I think I can take a new step in making the story better. I feel like a light bulb turned on over my head. All I can say is thanks again.
Kim Roach	[no subject] 19 Years Ago Okay, I did some rewrite of chapter 1 keeping in mind the suggestions everyone made. Let me know what you think, if you would please. Now to work on chapter 2.
Anthony	[no subject] 19 Years Ago Hey Kim, I havn't read the whole chapter with all it's changes but I read the first few paragraphs before I left for the weekend. I ment to reply before I left but got cought up. pLease don't take this the wrong way. I'm just not feeling the 1st paragraph you want to start your story on. I'm a firm beleiver in getting that hook in right at the first paragraph. I know I've liked all the chapters i've read about Roxy. But being the simple minded, judge a book by it's cover, and then buy it if I like the first few lines, reader that I am, I probably would have never gotten to know about roxy. I think you need to go deeper into roxy and just throw it out there like you did with the suicide scene. She may not be anywere near that frame of mind but all the years of being a ghost talking freak has to have some deep scars and I'm thinking you should show some of that. Just some thoughts I'll try and do a full review later. Any way you can post the old start? "a mannish female voice asked" Would Husky be better or masculine?.. Just saw this line.
Bullgooseloon	[no subject] 19 Years Ago Okay, like A.C. I was rushing passed and wanted to see the first few paragraphs, but I disagree with him. I think it is a great hook - her thoughts in those moments express a great deal of information and also the paragraph ends with that immediate revelation: something is not quite "normal", here. I, too, need to go back and read the rest. Hate to give you conflicting thoughts but I think it's a good move.
Anthony	[no subject] 19 Years Ago I was very hesitant to say what I did because of the chapters very strong ending. I just asked myself if I saw it on shelf at a bookstore what would I do. There are many different styles out there and readers.
Kim Roach	[no subject] 19 Years Ago I just wanted to thank Cc and Gabe for the reviews. I know it's late in coming since you made them the other day, but it's been a hectic few days for me.
C C Holtman	[no subject] 19 Years Ago Quote: Originally posted by Kim Roach I just wanted to thank Cc and Gabe for the reviews. I know it's late in coming since you made them the other day, but it's been a hectic few days for me. It's no problem. I'm glad you found it helpful. Please let me know if you have any other questions etc. (And all's fair since we got ours in so late.) -cc