The Review Club Forum Discussion on Jeff's (Bullgoos..

Keep the James Dean man, its just perfect. It really makes the guy human by him trying to emulate being cool and the imagery really works. My 2c

All right, A.C., thanks for your work:

"A few more cold moments ..." - I'd have to agree, Anthony. It's not strong "dialogue". I wonder if I tighten it up and just remove the Jeffrey? Sometimes, it is the simplest answer. What is that, "Occum's Razor"? I'm sure it's not spelled that way.

A server at work. Breaks my revelry. - My attempt at dramatic license when it comes to grammar. I just like chopping sentences, it messes with the rhythm and describes internal dialogue better, I think. THis isn't a strong part, though.

Yea, maybe "accentuate is too heavy a word to repeat, here.

Loekie thought you were calling the breasts phrase generic, but I see your comment as a compliment.

act aloof - I think in a previous version, I repeat it even more, but it made've made sense, that way. It's a phrase like some other's he repeats to himself as a mantra - act aloof, act aloof, but I'll look again and see if it's too much, thanks.

The fast food stops - thanks for liking them, A.C., I feel it's the weakest point in the story. I have some ideas that combine what your thinking with some others opinions for the rewrite.

Yea, that's true, I'm surprised I didn't talk more about her not caring. I guess I tried to imply it with her ticking through messages and never suggesting she saw him, but yea, that's a great point, thanks.

I use "and" to open sentences because it is a faux pas and I feel when you think about things, it's how you often - or how I often - start a thought. Especially when you're convincing yourself of something, like you find a twenty on the ground and you want to keep it, you say "And if I don't pick it up, someone else will, anyway." But, I do overuse it.

I think I mention it's a ram originally when he first sees the truck. To me, it just made more sense he notices when time slows for him, but maybe I could mention the emblem.

Thanks, Anthony, a very thoughtful review and you pointed out some new stuff.

Hey, thanks for your review, Loekie.

I think it's unanimous that I should strengthen the sign sections I have some ideas, all ready, and am excited to implement after everyone's help. The Ram sequence is instrumental, though, I believe. It strengthens the deeper points I strive to make and is, actually, the thrust of the story (it is a death fantasy). But, I wonder if fixing some transition problems might make it work better?

I think A.C. actually liked the breasts sentence, although I might be embarrassingy wrong. Didn't want to say, "She had a great set a' yams!" Feel it's important, too, because of what it says about him, and how it ties to the last statement. Maybe the word "spectacular" is what makes it generic to you? That isn't perfect and could be changed.

No, I meant "Come upon a slower car ...". Grammatically incorrect, surely, but it fits the rhythm of this man's thinking to me. Maybe it is difficult to read, but it calls to the immediacy with which the protaganist feels this man acts. He doesn't like the man and is assuming he makes without much thought. His mantra is act, don't think. "Come upon a slower car, he passes it." Maybe it would make more sense "you pass it", but I use that sort of you too much and am trying to avoid it. It's not a statement of fact, it's a statement of opinion which I hear people state as facts everyday. He believes this man he doesn't like would leave his wife the moment she cheats - also implying he'd be a man she'd want to cheat on - and this man would easily disown his gay son simply because he's got no time to deal with homosexuality. Maybe it's too much, but that was my attempt, to give a lot of info in the smallest amount of words - another clue into this character and how his mind works.

When he imagines he gets hit by the truck, he lands on the realty company lawn behind the bus stop. He comes to on the same lawn, but I might have to make that clearer. I strengthen that scene in a rewrite.

I appreciate the concise review and am sorry it didn't grab you, Loekie. Seeing some of the moments I lost you, I just don't think we ever were in step. We hear different music. We just couldn't dance. For one thing, I'm sure you'd never continue to use such an awful analogy. Thanks, though, really - even though you didn't enjoy it, you still gave me a thoughtful and effective review, which often can be the most powerful for me.

Quote:


Yep wouldn't change a thing in that line. It's a great description without getting graphic and shows his taste and all.

Well, I've posted my review of your short piece. I hope you find it helpful. If you have any questions at all, please feel free to ask. Cheers!

Rob

Hey thanks, Rob, I just read it and want some time to think about your points before I reply. I don't know if you noticed, but the review was sent several times. I did this just the other day to someone. Maybe it's something on the site, as I 've noticed some other glitches.

O, and now it's fixed.

Yeah, like four times. I deleted them but the one. My screen was frozen and I kept clicking away trying to get it to go. lol

;-)

Thanks so much for your review.

I definitely will take your advice on the sentence ending with "helped". Your solution sentence is perfect, I think. Also, several moments you point out some pacing chunks, and I'll be working those over. Guess it's obvious I like to throw around long sentences and fragments and like to "bend" some rules of grammar. Just attempts to mess with the rhythm of the reader and emphasize how internal this piece is and how this narrator works. I think, though, some more medium sized sentences would help the balance.

As for the main themes of the piece, I think you come close to my interpretation, but I would argue with your points about some of the sections not connecting. I've learned not to talk too much about the underlying machintions of my writing and that is definitely a cope out, but with reason. Have you ever had a great story idea and began discussing it with your friends, and their apathy towards it sours your own drive to create it? I've found this to be consistently true, for me, so I avoid giving too much of the wizard behind the curtain away. Let me just say the thrust of the scene is the death sequence, and everything else is the vehicle for it. I feel I say what I want to say, but maybe with a strong rewrite after your and other's guidance, it might be more clear. (if anything, I think this piece will end up being longer, which hopefully will explain a lot more to everybody)

Thanks again, Rob. Insightful and obviously with a skilled eye.

Very nice! Thanks to everyone for their time and their reviews. I feel confident with the advice I've gotten that this can be a story I'll be proud of after the rewrite(s).

I've noticed several of our stories floating around the featured and popular stories section, which is a great tribute to everyone putting in strong review efforts. I feel lucky to have been invited into the group. To all of us growing with our work!

Jeff

GJ on the feature buddy!