The Review Club Forum Discussion for Anthony's Baton..

Discussion for Anthony's Baton Cramoisi, Chapter One:
The man not in the mirror

Belle is it every time you use the word was it is passive? If you wouldn't mind can you pick out a couple of sentences and show me a better alternative. I thought I was getting close to having this passive stuff under control but maybe I'm not...lol There are a few lines I know that are passive in there but I left them intentionally but none of them are what you have underlined in your review.

Thank you for the review William. You gave me a lot of good edits and stuff to work on in a rewrite. Which I'll probably be doing this week. I don't feel the chapter is crisp.
There was something I wanted to comment on while I was reading your review but I forgot. I'll try and see about it when I get home.

Thanks a lot Belle that really helps out.

Ah William my friend, now I remember.

Would be one hell of a lawsuit nowadays�[Not sure whose thought this is. While she's the pov character, this thought occurs to the narrator as he is informing reader of their use of the word pinky, so for her to have this thought implies that the narration is all her thoughts; and if that is true, then I have to wonder why this whole vignette is not in italics. In conclusion, this thought should be de-italicized (or cut) so as not to differentiate it from the narration.]

One of my goals is to have the narrator and the characters thoughts almost completing each other. I want the characters thoughts to barge in. Almost to the point where they are narrating at times. In a way having the characters, indirectly through the narrator, communicating with the reader. I want them to be more than the story.

But I can see what you are saying. And I'm going to give some heavy thought to it. And perhaps I can come up with a better way of doing what I tried to do in that phrase.

A.C.,

Actually I think you have done a very good job of using the thoughts in conjunction with the narration. The one example I mentioned was the only one I really had trouble with. In that case, you had backed far enough away from her observations, so that I would call it the objective narrator that was speaking. And then, after the interjected thought, that objective narrator continues.

So, when you are close to pov character, so that the narration seems to be coming from her, the thoughts work well; but when narrator grows distant from her, then likely you need to move closer to her once again before resuming injection of direct thoughts into the mix.

Very interesting how you are accomplishing this, though. It works for me. And as usual, your descriptions are mostly vivid and original.

bill

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Now I see what you were getting at. I'll take it into account in my rewrite.

Thanks for the review Leah. You should have one coming from me soon.

Anthony:

You're using PoV much the same way I'm attempting to. My more recent stuff is most intensive in this regard. I guess that's why I was so impressed with your installment this week. Great minds think alike ::cool::

Leah

Hey Gabe thanks for the review

"Why would she debate wakeing him if he would soon fall back asleep. Is she talking about him not being awake yet or is it a reflection generally. If he is awake like the above paragraphs explain, then why is she debating this?"

Well he isn't awake yet and she knows from past experience if she does wake him once he falls back asleep the nightmares will start back up. I'm revising this chapter now and I'll go over it and see how I can express it more clearly.

I see what you mean about the interaction. I'll see what I can do in chapter three. Two is a little planned out. Trying some bold crap in that one.

Curtis thanks for your review. I'm currently working on the revision of chapter 1 and working out the Shifting tenses. Some great edits thank you!

"What is a a pallet doing on the kid�s bedroom floor?"

Did I use the wrong word. We call just laying down some blankets to sleep on a pallet.

Pallet sounds good to me. I'd just never heard the term. I like it. I've slept on a pallet before, but that was at a warehouse job when the boss was looking the other way ;-)

Both are right. Isn't English great? A pallet is a makeshift bed or a wooden platform goods are stored on. And you should make sure to cleanse both. Awful.

When I was a kid and my brothers and I, along with a myriad of cousins, descended on my poor grandparents' house, we had wall-to-wall pallets across the living room at night for sleeping, not to mention an orchestra of giggling, followed by thundering, "You kids be quiet in there!" ::tongue::

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Well you are not the first person to not know the term. I was just wondering if perhaps they called it something different when you were growing up.