http://slow.writerscafe.org/Replacements84 The original writings of author Timothy Ryan en-us Copyright 2026 WritersCafe.org 1775996233 WritersCafe.org RSS Generator 15 I was detoxing in Upstate New York after a torrid love affair with heroin had completely ruined my life in more ways than one. I won’t bother getting into some of the more depressing junkie tales that lead me there, but the biggest reason of all was my soon-to-be ex-wife, who I’d left ba.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/Replacements84/2881956/ I took a taxi down to the train station that Friday afternoon. I never traveled much in my lifetime -besides the holiday trips down to Long Island to visit my too-big-to-remember Italian family. So, all I took with me was a backpack that I slung over my shoulder; filled with a change of clothes, a K.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/Replacements84/2871294/ The whole world In our handsHer body close In my armsYoung hearts burningBrighter than the starsWe said that lifeCouldn't get any better than thisAnd damn itWe were right  http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/Replacements84/2865725/ I was at the age where I realized the cigarettes and whiskey-soaked nights weren’t anything to all that proud of anymore. I didn’t have the vices to hide behind. All I had was myself and the choices that I would have to live with. Truthfully, they weren’t half bad. In fact, some pe.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/Replacements84/2854378/ Hope always kept a burning light on for you While you were held close in the arm’s of another loverWhen I was drowning away in one of those nowhere barsWhen we were still youngYou can even ask desireWhether it was in those whispers to the starsOr at the end of every lonely cigarette walki.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/Replacements84/2853587/ I was laying on the hallway floor, looking up at the still-new whiteness of the ceiling. This was my apartment. My new apartment. My big feat; the only thing I had to show for myself since moving to Iowa. It’d been six months since I came with a bank-loan’s worth of comfortable money and.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/Replacements84/2850475/ I was riding the end of a week-long binge that had taken my innocence through all depths of depravity, until I was no longer sure I had any redeemable qualities. The best of me may have already been long gone and jaded. It started as most of my adult realizations did with a bottle of rum and head fu.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/Replacements84/2817614/ It was an awful day to begin with. The hangovers always were. After I washed away the groaning regrets of the night before, I took a quick call from my girlfriend, Nikki -as I always did before I got in the car for the drive to work. “I’m still not feeling the best, but at least I have m.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/Replacements84/2815599/ I was headed back to Pittsburgh for what was bound to be the most pitiful summer of my life. I’d just finished up my last semester at college -before I was off to graduate school at NYU. I had plans to travel Europe with my best friend Paul over the summer months -before we got ourselves an ap.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/Replacements84/2814585/ I was somewhere in the confusion of my twenties when I first met Paul Cardiel. Around this time, my then girlfriend, Maria Lopez, and I had just split up. She moved back with her family to the golden coast of California and took all of my serious plans for the future along with her; leaving me to wo.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/Replacements84/2805739/ When thenight of the cruise came around, I still so low and down on myself that I hadno desire to go. Everything seemed to breathe with misery. I couldn’t think ofany good excuse to tell Jackson I couldn’t make it, and my empty wallet seemedto only find reasons to say yes when he.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/Replacements84/2805554/ I woke up thefollowing morning to the sound of a strained car horn whining in the driveway,and I knew that it had to be Paul �"just like old times. Years prior, in thedays of youth before I ever moved out of mother’s, Paul would show up and layon his horn until I shambled o.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/Replacements84/2805187/ I was waitingaround the front steps of my mother’s house, fidgeting with the much neededcigarettes in my pocket, when I saw the headlights beaming down the street. Therattling engine struggling along, the vague trails of smoke creeping out of thewindows and the sound of guitars singing.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/Replacements84/2804877/ The taxi letme out at the end of my mother’s driveway and it never felt so strange anddistant to be home. It was the last house I’d lived in with her before movingout and living on my own. In a few short weeks she’d be moving too, into asmaller apartment; as not only myself.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/Replacements84/2804393/ I had a wayof making a mess when I got to drinking during those summer nights. As I sat onthe toilet, praying that the spins would stop, I could only think about thevague flashes of what sent the night on its downward spiral -visions involvinga beer in my hand and pushing my luck at every ch.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/Replacements84/2804382/ I’d nevertake another breath of desert air as I stepped into the airport. I couldn’t tellif it was from the lack of sleep or the surreal moment I found myself in, butit didn’t seem real to be back in the airport. I had horrible nightmarethoughts after every little fight wit.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/Replacements84/2803416/ Mary was oneof my few friends who I couldn’t actually say had their life together in anycapacity. While everyone else I knew was still drinking away their fading youthevery night �"Mary was living well without any of the welcomed vices thateveryone else swore would make you.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/Replacements84/2802830/ Just aboutall of our money had been drowned away in empty pint- glasses by the time wereached the dingy backstreet bar, The Alley; that nobody ever went to. The onlyreason we were even going is because Lars claimed to know the bartender and sadwe could get drinks for cheap �"on a.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/Replacements84/2801487/ A sad anddreadful July sunset stretched across the sky as I got out of work that night.As he’d gotten into the routine of doing, Paul was waiting outside for me withan eagerness to hit the bars once again. It was a strange meeting of sorts asmy ever-changing life seemed to be at yet an.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/Replacements84/2799775/ I guess I was somewhere in the confusion of my twenties whenI met Paul Cardiel. My longtime girlfriend, Maria, and I had broken up a few awfulweeks before. She moved back to the faraway desert of Arizona with her family,and took all of my serious plans for the future along with her; leaving me.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/Replacements84/2794302/ For weeks it seemed that Sid had been inviting us to theseafter-hours parties that went down after every open mic. For one reason oranother, we’d always find a something to keep us from going; but somethingabout the coming Spring kiss in the air finally made us give in. We followedSid .. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/Replacements84/2793440/ It was another one of those old campfire nights when I gotback to the house after work. I could see the dull glare of the fire againstthe trees, in back of the property. My fading innocence cried in my bones for anight to relax and catch myself, but I knew I’d be restless if I didn&rsquo.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/Replacements84/2793180/ My head was still spinning in surreal thoughts for the nightbefore with Beth by the time I woke up. Did it actually happen or was it somedreamed nightmare of the path my life was spiraling towards? Either way, itwasn’t a place that I had any desire to go back to again. I tried to go outs.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/Replacements84/2792501/ It was my first true downtown night since I returned home. Therewere no formal plans made, as there never truly was; just following the night fromone impulsive moment to the next. Paul tried to convolute it into a grandcelebration for both of our birthdays �"seeing as how they were only.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/Replacements84/2792399/ The night was coming around, which meant that I was sure tolose myself in it again. You see, I was burning up inside with misery andburning out on life in general. Everything seemed to be spiraling out of mygrasp and I couldn’t grab a hold fast enough to slow the growing pains; I could.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/Replacements84/2792212/ The night wascoming along again and that meant that the animal inside was looking to prowlfar and away from the lonely memories that kept me quietly broken inside. Itwas starting to become the only time where I didn’t have hide within myself,and could live without having to dwell on wh.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/Replacements84/2791721/ I didn’t knowwhere the hell I was that first morning I woke in New York. While the foggyhaze from drinking the night before seemed to loom over everything, I couldn’tbring myself to face the day sober; nothing seemed clear. Even as I got up fromthe unfamiliar floor of my mother&r.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/Replacements84/2791639/ I was chasing thedevil at the bottom of every glass of bourbon, and the only thing I ever foundwas feeling miserable at myself. Everything seemed to be spiraling downward again;restless thoughts at night of the things I should’ve done, my boss worked part-timewhile the rest of us labor.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/Replacements84/2791386/ I was sick ofthe walls around me after the argument the night before with my mother andcraved to be anywhere but where I was. I couldn’t wait for Jackson to pick meup for our day trip to the city. I was beginning to wonder if all that was leftfor me was suffering to myself; those down .. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/Replacements84/2790027/ Fall was onits way in and that meant it was close to the end of strange desperate year. Itwasn’t a bad year by any means; I’d drafted my novel, I wasn’t too far behindon bills and the leaks in my ceiling even seemed to stop. Life had rolled into anotherlull; which wasn&rsqu.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/Replacements84/2789344/ My soulseemed to set somewhere in those summer suns that would soon be lost andforgotten. Fall swept in with a bittersweet reminder that those days weren’tcoming back. The August nights that would roar with life and lust had burnedout like the rest of us. As happy as I was with Chantal.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/Replacements84/2789062/ Staggeringwas the only way that Camilla ever made me feel. Usually it was a waywardunderstanding over the growing confusions of our relationship, but often timesit was the way I dragged myself across town after a night at her apartment. Headachesand cigarettes to keep me company as always. T.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/Replacements84/2788922/ I took a taxidown to the Albany train station to begin what would become my great cityadventure; the last hurrah with Paul. I was only staying for two nights, and packeda change of clothes and enough cigarettes to get me through the weekend. Iwasn’t sure what awaited me in the dreaming.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/Replacements84/2788009/ There wasalways something in the works whenever Paul seemed to be slowing down on thenightlife. If it wasn’t a half-hatched plan for his next great adventure, itwas usually on account of his latest love interest and this time was nodifferent. Her name was Jane and Paul had been sweet o.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/Replacements84/2786918/ I wasstarting to grow restless as the end of the summer days were burning away. Iwas no longer searching, but I was fighting for a way out the spinning cyclethat my life seemed to have become. After his Jersey trip, Paul was absentagain; which only meant that he was rearing up for another bi.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/Replacements84/2784815/ Every part ofme wanted to avoid to going-ons of the bonfire. I was exhausted with thespinning nights that never seemed to stop, and I had every reason to slow downin Chantel. As I approached the house after the draining night of work, I sawthe familiar glow from behind the trees, the drivewa.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/Replacements84/2784719/ Pauldrove over to my mother’s to pick me up that night. I was unsure as ever as towhat was next; mostly due to the fact that I didn’t a single dollar to my nameanymore. I was living on whatever faith I still had left. He was insistent,though, that we didn’t need money and t.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/Replacements84/2784106/ When the walls come down I have nowhere to hideJust my screaming heartbeatsNervousWith you on my mindOpen on upAnd take a deep breathThere's nothing in the way nowFighting the fire in my thoughtsSurely this is the endYour name will be another scarA reason not to trustAnother brick to build a wa.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/Replacements84/2783750/ Paul wasleaving town for good this time. His near-empty apartment said as much. He wasoff to Brooklyn for a girl he swore he was in love with; which were words Inever knew him to use before. Our lives just weren’t what they used to beanymore. We were beginning the stabling-years of our.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/Replacements84/2783367/ I barelyslept by the time I woke up. Not that it mattered much, as my heart was roaringagainst my chest with that anxious buzzing again; all on account of her; Nikki.It was a long forgotten feeling that I was terrified of getting familiar withafter closing myself off for so many years. Love .. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/Replacements84/2783246/ Pins andneedles and thoughts that sting; wondering if you’re happy enough without me. Doesyour heart beat, curious as mine? When those songs sing, all I hear is yourname in them. What happened to my heart? Is nihilism no longer there to sayhello to love? Have I not learned my lessons y.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/Replacements84/2782684/ My thoughts couldn’tmove on from the night before; the music, the dancing, the scent of burningsage, the bedroom floor and all the nervous heartbeats between �"Nikki, Nikki,Nikki. Her name, her eyes �"I couldn’t get her out of my head. She brought methe so.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/Replacements84/2782680/ Our downfallbegan right at the opening of the horse track that summer. To all the regularsin own, the track itself was nothing more than looming dread. Wealthy tourists floodedthe town; gambling on horses, drinking the fine wines, raising the prices ofrent to fit their expensive taste and dr.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/Replacements84/2782578/ I was feelinglike I’d let life slip away from me again. I blamed it on work taking up all mytime and leaving me with little freedom to do much else except labor over thestress of coming bill. But really it all had something to do with Lucy and thewalls I’d built around myself. Sh.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/Replacements84/2782185/ I asked mymother if I could borrow the car for a little while. As usual, there wasnowhere I really had to go or anything of the sort. I just wanted to beanywhere else. Earlier in the day I’d walked to the library, I read a bit andeven wrote until my fingers started to hurt from curling.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/Replacements84/2781861/ Two fliessprouted out of the shower drain as the water clogged and rose over my anklesagain. I just picked them out and flushed them down the toilet because anythingelse would’ve been useless. Normally, you’d call your landlord in situationslike this, but mine had a tendency to d.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/Replacements84/2781640/ It was one ofthose sad apartment nights. Work was done, the whiskey was gone and here camemy thoughts again. The roominghouse I called home just wasn’t what it used tobe; roaring alive at night, neighbors who shared lighters on the porch and allthe nights to nowhere had a promise of so.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/Replacements84/2781039/ There wasalways something getting in the way to where I wanted to go. Most of the timeit was myself; pulling back from the bad habits I was trying to run from in thefirst place. They’d always weigh heavy on my thoughts; telling me I was nevergonna get to where I wanted to be tomorrow a.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/Replacements84/2780935/ “Hey,a*****e,” I heard her smile over the phone. This was the usual way Lucy greetedme, but there was a hint of romance about it this time around. You see, wehadn’t spoken to each other in over a year and the last time we did; it was awhirlwind of accusations, tears and get.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/Replacements84/2780932/ I keptburying myself under the wasted hours, the shallow comforts; the true reasonsfor my growing dissatisfaction with life. All feeling was slowing drowning atthe bottom of another bottle that couldn’t even catch a buzz worth the smileanymore. Hello, nihilism.  The worst partal.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/Replacements84/2780770/