http://slow.writerscafe.org/hollisvan The original writings of author lizardbrain en-us Copyright 2026 WritersCafe.org 1775990515 WritersCafe.org RSS Generator 15 some days it is wanting to put  a bullet in my headsome days it's more subtle, a silent wish for the earth to open up and swallow me whole, use me for parts, i'm worth more that way, like a totaled car, the metal jeans button & zipper all the soil cannot digest, all that's left.some days it.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/hollisvan/2135988/ I just don't know where the line is orwhere I should be drawing it.I've never been good at straight linesOnly curving ones that double back in loopholeafter loophole until nobody knows what ground they're standing on or where to step next and suddenlyit's a minefield of loopholesthat made .. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/hollisvan/2115500/ My buddies and their time capsule mindsAt least I'm not alone in this, not the only onewith this thread to pull andunravel and awake to find myselfin a pile of soggy wool, still warm,but also damp, and slowly wrinkling up my flesh.A million tiny paper airplanes swarming like winged keys, sharp .. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/hollisvan/2112492/ To think that one or some  members of my future family  are already out there somewhere,  walking around out  in the world.Someone who will become so precious to me, so loved.Which of their features will I adore, as I adored that space between C's ear and her neck? I can sti.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/hollisvan/2103373/ Perhaps one day my verses will spring from the clear, fresh waters of joyBut all I've got now is a murky, polluted creek bedDownstream from the suffering of  factory-farmed cowsWhose waste is poison.The mud rising first above my ankles. sucking my boots in until I can no longer lift my feet.And.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/hollisvan/2100496/ "You were something, my mother said. I thought she said."You were bare feet on the rough pebble walkwayAround the side of the house and  up to the back porch.You were witches' brew mixed together in a bucket filled up with the garden hose, sticks, moss, and ordinary things whose magic only you .. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/hollisvan/2099825/ The things I have learned from you are endless,And some of them are painfuland many of them are sweetbut all of them impart a sense of yearning,of incompleteness,of wanting more and of it never being enough,upon my heart.A big "what if?"A what if circumstances had been different,a what if I hadn't b.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/hollisvan/2099221/ Admittedly, I am lonely.I want more love in my life. I want to hold another human close to me  and make them feel good, and feel that thrillI want to be excited about someone and sweet on someoneI want someone to cook for, to try my food experimentations, to cook for me too, sometimes.I wa.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/hollisvan/2098699/ Giving things time. Is not my strength.This could be good practice. Ingiving things time.If you only want something if it canhappen Right Now, do you actuallywant it?If you really want something, youshould be willing to wait for it?"If you aren't sure how you feel about that thing, Give yourself tim.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/hollisvan/2096358/ My heart feels raw and thick and sludge-like.My hair feels like a set of old smelly furniture tassels sewn onto my scalp.My blistered bruised toes feel like the tender pride that I hide inside of my tough leather combat boots that I refuse to admit are still a size too small.My skin crawling with mi.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/hollisvan/2096353/ "Ponds freeze in the shape of  cut diamond,"he told me.That means the safest place to stand is in the middle,The thickest ice beneath your burning feet.Always go back a different way than you came, you tell yourself.Those deep footprints only trip you up anyway."A good frost will prevent any wa.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/hollisvan/2095640/ late-winter evening sky reflecting the colors of the under-ripe peach in your handorange flame against a deep purple backdropoverlain with greyish fuzzblurring the colorspeach and sky both harsher than you had hopedas one bite clashes against the pithoping it didn't break your artificial toothturnin.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/hollisvan/2092539/ All aspects of life are that one ear that is floppier than the otherAll of the eyelashes that I have  plucked out before their primeThe dry skin by the corner of my eye that just won't healThe first little patch of her old-dog  elbow coming in - dark and soft, but hairless, rubbed bareMy c.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/hollisvan/2092122/ this book or thatthis life or nonethis skin or bare floorbare floor everything i love i hateand everything i hate i lovelike time and words and languagei struggle with them all but then i hold them to my chestthese words can never encompass the purest version of experiencebut then i happen.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/hollisvan/2091741/ that PA's stinging words "everyone your age has anxiety and depression these days"train of thought like a sunken ship of wire within a chilly bathtub waiting to heat someone upaching toes pinched too smallwhen will these words cohesecohesincohesiontresiontresontrees.archteriathese burning words bein.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/hollisvan/2091739/ First one buttonThen the otherBut somehow I've managed to hang onto themAcross multiple statesEvery day more of my elbow peeks outAnd the open sleeves flaplike a flightless bird's wingsJust stretching out,Not preparing for anythingSometimes I feel like a flightless birdEvolution's cruel jokeI wonder.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/hollisvan/2090458/ I wish when we touchyour hands would burn prints into my skinuntil your tongue would soothe them away.I wish when we touchour sticky arms  sticky legssticky bellies  would need your sweet saliva to part them.I wish when we touchI would melt right throughyour quilt to the floor,until you la.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/hollisvan/2088999/ “I have found my body collapsible,”a fold-up accessory to be slippedin a pocketa car consoleor a box of tic-tacs.I have found my body accessible,knees bentElbows back to supportmy curving spineI have found myself collapsible,a compact mirroronly to be pulled outwhen you cannot see yourse.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/hollisvan/2088997/ “Tell me it isn’t you in the photograph.” Tell me your eyes are not the windows to a steel blue ocean river lake pool droplet of water upon my lip.Tell me the lines around your mouth were formed by the words of a lover, or better yet, an abuser.Tell me the shadows gathering beside .. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/hollisvan/2088996/ A belly button kneels in my viscera. Hoping one day to stand tall and stretch out its limbs. Losing hope each year as it instinctually pulls farther into itself, losing its view of the great wide world, millimeter by millimeter, bite by bite. Every once in a while it gets some relief, but mostly it&.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/hollisvan/2088995/ written 6/13/18 http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/hollisvan/2088994/ As usual, I'm hurtling through weeks and seasons with little continuity or connection to my self of the past or future.What connects me to those people besides the same DNA that tells my recycling cells to arrange themselves in pretty much the same pattern?Is this dissociation?What's consistent abou.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/hollisvan/2088993/ KokorokoSecret joyliking something simply because it--    made me feel somethinga solid block on the foundation of--    my elusive identityScrambling up on that block to shout to the world,"I ENJOY THINGS!"Not out of nostalgia or because--    someone I admire liked it f.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/hollisvan/2087821/ Gritty coffeeground too fineSilt slipping through the mesh of my french presseach sip bitter and coarseCoffee always smells better than it tastesOr maybe I just don't know how to  treat it rightYou'd think after all these years we would be in sync.The blood running through my veinsconnecting al.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/hollisvan/2087562/ You taught me towalk the middle linenever committing to one side or the otherbecause at least that way youcan't get hurtMaster of the tightropethe straight and narrow thathovers above absolute disaster at all timesBut now I'm falling on both sidesbecause I was never told how to chooseMy body stretch.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/hollisvan/2087015/