http://slow.writerscafe.org/dark_rainbow1212 The original writings of author Kitten en-us Copyright 2026 WritersCafe.org 1776049537 WritersCafe.org RSS Generator 15 I'm sorry. It's not you. It's none of you. It's just about everything else. I can't figure out who I am. I can't fight off the stressOr sadness.  I need help. But I don't know how to ask,Or who to ask. All I ask for. Is for things to be a bit easier,Or fo.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/dark_rainbow1212/1530071/ You mean the most to me. No matter how wrong that is to say. If I had to choose.It would be you. Sometimes. I think. Why did I?Other times. I think. I wouldn't be happy. I want to marry you. I want to have you forever. And I shouldn't feel that I,Should have j.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/dark_rainbow1212/1509505/ I know I have you scared. That I might leave. But I swear. I only want you. My heart is a reckless creature. And I'm doing my best to tame it. But I need help from you as well. To tell me I'll be safe with you. That you'll take care of me. I need these th.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/dark_rainbow1212/1468948/ Saying and thinking things I never would. Not knowing where to place myself. Not knowing where to go. What's happened to me? A few days and I'm a mess.Can my life never be ok? Ok is all I ask for. Not even good... I guess I might as well give up. Nothing is go.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/dark_rainbow1212/1456158/ Your everything to me. I've never been able to see my future. Until I began to form a life with you. I'm so happy you've given us a second chance. I can't wait to be your's forever. With you calling me beautiful. All the time. I'm actually starting to believe I am... http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/dark_rainbow1212/1454572/ I don't know what I want. I don't know who to be. Every move I make. Feels like a step in the wrong direction. I need guidance. No. I need to know what's right. But how can I know? I've just got to guess. And take careful steps. Not knowing which one.&nbs.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/dark_rainbow1212/1445777/ I sit up.Well into the night.With my chest hurtingAnd every inch of me screaming. I can't solve it. Nothing can't help me. I'm standing on thin iceOne step and I'll drown.All because of you. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/dark_rainbow1212/1443113/ I'm sitting trying so hard. To tell my mind. To listen to my heart. But it wants me to believe. I am unworthy of you. It wants me to let go. But I can't. I won't. I need you by my side. You are everything I have been looking for. And I'm not giving t.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/dark_rainbow1212/1415163/ I want scream and cryBeat my head against a wallSlit my wrists and bruise my skin. Rip my heart out and feed it to the wolves. Anything that causes me to not feel. Because maybe then I could have control. Just a small handle on something. But that's never going to happen.&nb.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/dark_rainbow1212/1405766/ The term never fit right. The pretty dresses, long hair, and fake smiles. The makeup, bras, and scars. All of it. Was never who I really am. I think I've found who I am. Ethan Walker James. That name fits me. It makes me happy when they say. "What are tal.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/dark_rainbow1212/1402873/ I'm sorry for what happened last night. I have everyone so scared again. I can't stop shaking. My heart feels like it's stopped beating. I just want to cry or throw up. He should have never saw me like that. And I can't even bring it up to my friends. Because I kno.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/dark_rainbow1212/1402067/ I'm sorry I can't let people in. I'm sorry I don't want to show what I'm feeling. I've started distancing myself for a reason. Because if I do something. I don't want to hurt anyone. But no matter what I do. It will just end in me causing pain to others. But ending.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/dark_rainbow1212/1401840/ I sit here and watch. As lose family member after family member. To their own hands. It makes me wonder. When it will be my turn. It really is a thought on my mind. Nearly everyday. When will my suicide come? Whether is be now. Here in the next few years... http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/dark_rainbow1212/1401562/ This time around. I'm going to fight as much as I can. I need you in my life. More then just a friend.I need you by my side. Or I can not live. You mean so much more to me. Then you probably think. Please my dear. Believe me when I say. I love you with al.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/dark_rainbow1212/1399882/ I can't stop this pain anymore. I just want to feel ok for longer then a few days. But here I sit. Wishing I couldn't feel anything. Wishing I was cut up. Or dead. If my mind is correct. And he leaves me. I'm done for. I'm so close to the edge at this poi.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/dark_rainbow1212/1399739/ I want to hide in a corner. Knees to my chest. Tears in my eyes. Screaming and sniffling. I don't know what's come over me. But I'm not doing well. I feel sick in the head. For the first time in my life. What am I suppose to do? I want to escape this feel.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/dark_rainbow1212/1399121/ I can't pull myself out of this hole... I want to be happy and free. But it's like dragging a weight around. No matter how hard I try. It's slowing me down. And slowly pulling me under the surface. I need help. But with my head barely above water. How do I cal.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/dark_rainbow1212/1398959/ Is it ok to feel like this? For my depression and anxiety to prevent me,From moving on in life. I'm so scared of everything not working out. That I don't even want to try. And my eyes see no point to a future,When they want to burn out. I'm not sure if this is ok. I kno.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/dark_rainbow1212/1397820/ Isn't it funny. How something that can kill you. Can make you feel alive? Can make you feel better?More like yourself? I can't help that it helps me. Stop the shaking. The thoughts. Makes death feel closer then it already is. His arm hold me like an old friend.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/dark_rainbow1212/1396843/ The word is out. And it turned out better then I thought. But I still sit here. Silent as can be. Wishing I could say more. Feeling the pain in my heart. Mixed with secret joy. That of which. I can not speak. I want to try again. Please. Give me.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/dark_rainbow1212/1391968/ Beat to the ground. Kicked while I'm down. That's how I feel. I can't work out what's best for me. I need time to think. But the place I think best.Is with someone I can't be around. It's just how I work. I'm not sure why. I just wish I had someway,To know wha.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/dark_rainbow1212/1390413/ I don't know why. But your the last person I want to let go off. You make me so mad. But I miss you like hell. Why couldn't things have been different? I have no idea where you are. Or if you still are. All I know is I miss you. And wish you were here with me .. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/dark_rainbow1212/1387211/ All I want anymore is to be gone. It would solve everything. I wouldn't hurt anymore. I wouldn't have to deal with all of my issues. Things would just be better. If only I could do it without hurting people. But that's never going to happen. To welcome people actua.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/dark_rainbow1212/1387210/ You put up with all my s**t. Even when I almost leave you. Or when I fall into my hole. And cut up some part of myself. I couldn't ask for anything more. You mean so much more then you seem to know. Please never leave me. Please never get sick of my s**t. No m.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/dark_rainbow1212/1386181/ Why do you still call to me? I'm suppose to hate you. I'm suppose to never want to see you. Yet. Here I am. Wishing it was still us together. And I'm sorry I feel this way. He left such a mark on me.I just can't leave him be. I scream in my mind for him to get.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/dark_rainbow1212/1385219/ I hardly feel anything anymore. Nothing but a pain in my chest. I'm not sure what's become of me. Waking up is harder and harder. Even when I drag the blade over my skin. I can hardly feel it's bite. What's wrong with me? What has happened to the happiness I once h.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/dark_rainbow1212/1384713/ I know what I'm doing. I'm shutting down. Hard and quick. The walls go up. And I have no idea what for. I'm scared of somethingBut I have no idea what that is. And I'm sorry if things end up bad tonight. I just, Don't feel right, right now So please my fr.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/dark_rainbow1212/1374538/ I awoke the next day to see three missed calls from him.             “F**k…” Isaid and called him back. No answer. I called again.          &.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/dark_rainbow1212/1374074/ I can't handle all this pain. All this fear and confusion. I can't do it. But what could come of even talking about it. Could prove to be worse. I don't know what to do.I need help...  http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/dark_rainbow1212/1374026/ What would happen if I left you?Would you hate me? Would we never speak? Would you throw me out? Would I become like him? I have no idea. But I'm getting very close to saying goodbye. And I'm sorry. It's just.I'm not right for you. You need someone better.&nbs.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/dark_rainbow1212/1373450/ I woke up first that next day. He was turned away from meand snoring softly. I felt around for my phone and saw my friend had called me.I got up and wandered into the bathroom and called her.            .. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/dark_rainbow1212/1373295/ I'm faling fast and far. I did well for so long. Now it's failing. Painting? I'm terrible at it anyway. And have no ideas. I just want to be gone. So my mind will stop with it's bullshit. I can't stay in one place. But I don't want to become him. I'm.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/dark_rainbow1212/1373190/ Everyday it felt like I was becoming more and more alone. Ihad only one friend at this point and no one to hold my heart. And yes, I knowthat’s not all that important. But to a hopeless romantic like me. It waspretty much the only thing I need to survive. An.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/dark_rainbow1212/1373044/ I have no idea. Why. I miss you. Maybe it's because. We spent so much time together. And even though you can't handle. A real relationship.You were of in my heart. And I'm sorry. If saying that upsets anyone. But it really is a little hard. Not .. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/dark_rainbow1212/1372245/ It's tainting my soul. Every time you bring him up.Every time. I go right back to when you were with him... The teaming jealousy I felt. That familiar taste is on my tongue. And no matter how many times we talk about it. No matter how many times I cry.&nb.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/dark_rainbow1212/1372242/ It's creeping into my mind. "She's going to leave you. For someone way better. And you know it." And I buy into every damn word of itI know it's going to happen. The only thing I don't know. Is when it will. All I can do is sit back and wait. And hope what min.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/dark_rainbow1212/1371425/ When these thoughts pound in my head. I feel like what small flame I have. Will blow out. I don't know how easy it is. To tell when I'm ready to give up. Or when I want to cut up my arms.Am I really that good at hiding it? Because I'm fading out. And I don't have t.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/dark_rainbow1212/1365743/ It's all it is. Dysphoria. That ugly word. That rules my world. I just want to be who I am on the inside. But I can't just be that. Small things help. Like people using my name and correct pronouns. And wearing my binder. But otherwise. I just feel i.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/dark_rainbow1212/1364191/ My skin feels like it doesn't fit. Like it's a shirt one size two small. I want to tear it away. Make me into who I am inside. But that won't get me anywhere. I feel like I have to curl up and hide. Let nobody know. Who I actually am. I just want to show peopl.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/dark_rainbow1212/1363370/ The times we spent. Flash before my eyes. While I sleep. The feelings I have for you. Sit in the bottom of my heart. Burning a hole. You sit at the corners of my mind. Why can't I drop you... Like I have the others? I just want you to go away. For the fee.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/dark_rainbow1212/1360446/ I know. There are people. Who have more to deal with. And me even making a peep.Should be quieted. But I'm becoming afraid of myself. I'm so scared. That I'm going to do something. How far will I go? I have no idea... I can't quiet my mind. I just ne.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/dark_rainbow1212/1359963/ More in my mind. Then anywhere else. And it's not even my own. It's those voices. That do nothing but pick me apart. Why am I caving all of a sudden?Something has broken somewhere. And I can't find it to fix it. I can't tell you what set it off. Or how I got h.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/dark_rainbow1212/1356252/ She means more to me. Then any precious stone Or piece of coin could. Living in her love. I feel my world has gotten brighter. Due to her shine. I can only count the ways. In wish I'm the luckiestMan to walk this earth. Because I get to call her mine.  &n.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/dark_rainbow1212/1353410/ What do you want from me? I don't get it. You can't possible expect us. To split up because you aren't happy. I know it's mean. But I'm not going to let you. Get in the way of my finally being happy and safe. It's taken me years to get here. And there is no da.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/dark_rainbow1212/1352920/ There are so many words. I want to scream out. But what's the point. When they will go unheard. Ignored.Heard in the wrong way. I believe it's best to hold my tongue. Stitch my mouth closedAnd keep it that way. What can I doWhen all the things I have to say. W.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/dark_rainbow1212/1351176/ He woke up first. This is how it always was. He look at the man and ran his fingers over his cheek. A small smile crossed his lips. He got out of bed and stepped into a pair of pajama pants. He stepped out of the room carefully. He quickly got on his laptop to check if there where any news of cases.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/dark_rainbow1212/1350708/ I'm sorry I'm like this. I'm sorry I mess up everyone's lives. I'm I hurt people. Yes. I'm putting every bit of blame on myself. Why shouldn't I? I'm the reason this is happening. It's going to be my fault when you break. And there's nothing I can do. I'm.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/dark_rainbow1212/1350190/ It seems to be a state. I've come familiar with. I feel it so often. I can hardly stand it. I feel like that puppy curled in the corner. Because if I bark. I'll get hit Or screamed at. All I want to do is curl up and cry. Where no one can see me. I'm.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/dark_rainbow1212/1349686/ I feel it when I'm with anyone. But my sisters. I finally feel right. And I'm happy. I'm just hurting so much. I can't put my finger on why. But I know it has to do with this. I want to be able to be me. But I know I can't. Not all the time. People w.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/dark_rainbow1212/1349433/ So what if I'm switching my gender. So what if it took me this long to work it out. So what if people don't get it. So what if they don't accept me. It's my life. Not theirs. I have to be me. I have to be who makes me happy. And if people can't deal with it.&n.. http://slow.writerscafe.org/writing/dark_rainbow1212/1348512/