Audacity

just a couple of lines i tried to put together... meant to sound pretty alright.

The sky is finger-smudged with charcoal. There’s light through the windows, but it’s dull. There’s a smile on his lips, but it’s fading  He ties up his boots like his eyes are wrapped around the laces; like the sky is planning on falling if the knots are imperfect. Shards of color are dropping like bricks from a wall.  

Cigarette smoke incites my nose as I try and inhale through the hair that sticks to my forehead. Something smells like lavender but I can’t make it out through the stench of people on top of people. I feel like I'm at the airport.

Somewhere, the human soul is on fire, but presently it’s rather lukewarm. Here, it’s instant and microwavable and you just have to add water. There are too many bicycles on the sidewalk, too many faces to keep track of. I think I’ve forgotten his name, but I can’t be too sure. Perhaps it will come to me as my heels hit the pavement and I try to walk myself home without stumbling over minor character flaws and uneven asphalt.

I look down, but all I see are my bare feet. It’s starting to rain as my eyesight gets cloudy.  I crave the unfeeling lobby of a no name hotel where one could get their shoes polished, or casually eavesdrop with the help of a newspaper. So maybe something is missing.

My finger gets pricked on a patch of briar bushes, or maybe some barbed wire. The blood drips worse than it does when I bite my lip. It stings, but I can’t taste the metallic on my tongue.

I feel a little more than dizzy, but I go through the motions of breathing. I swivel a bit of recycled air through my lungs. I drag on life through my open lips, and it’s intoxicating.

Author's Note

is all of this connected, or does it need to streamline or something?

Reviews

[Lily]

is this actually on a one night stand? i agree that it is ambiguous as a story since i have no idea xD i can feel it though--it could match, but it might not. i don't really think it needs to be clarified, just because the feel of it comes across so well-- i love how it feels more like living than like a cut out story, if that makes sense. the third paragraph is my favorite, but the whole thing is brilliant. i like it lots :]

[RosylnPeaches]

Personally I think this is fine the way it is. Its quite a very well put one night stand . You feel how she feels. :)

[Eric]

This is decent. I like the parallel structure with the second and third sentences; it's effective at drawing me in. The theme of cigarette smoke that you weave throughout the piece is also an effective way of keeping the reader interested and honest.
It might be a little too ambiguous as a story, though. I think it's meant to be a walk of shame type of thing after a one night stand, but I'm not sure. It's either a great starting point for a story or a great middle to a story, or you could even turn this into poetry. More description, more concrete images is the key to making it stronger.