Don't Give Me Science I'm Not Interested In The Truth

Just another song I wrote for the piano, but I thought this one might work better as a poem. Just some free writing.

This innocence brings me into a locked compartment

Inside are all the things I left behind

Walk through a museum of a life

Once reflected in the mirror ceiling up above

 

I'm thinking of, a lost compartment

Walk through the tunnel spread open like my curtains

Wide enough to see the blue sky underneath

Take a picture so others can believe

 

If I could let my body lay still on a mountain of sand

I would let the water build an armor around it

If I could let my walls try to close in

I would let out a sigh

 

Because the universe is a giant spinning hole

With no needles and thread to patch it up again

With the moonlight shining in, illuminate the sky

Tell me why the world sails round

Reviews

[J. Alexis Balaguer]

I personally think it ended in justice.
If it were longer by a stanza, too many images would divert the mind into a lack of focus.

This is a wonderfully-written poem.
My favorite lines:
If I could let my body lay still on a mountain of sand
I would let the water build an armor around it
If I could let my walls try to close in
I would let out a sigh

Such play of words in brief grandeur.
Keep it up my friend.

Punishment

[Alice Oiseau]

It feels incomplete. I got the end and didn't really feel the end. It felt like there was more to say, but you didn't say it. Maybe? Maybe it's just me. Climaxes/endings are your forte, and this one didn't really build, in my opinion. Maybe that's why it feels incomplete. Hm.
Anyway.
I loved this Zoe. I thought it more fitting of a song. There was definitely a rhythm that I could feel to it that made it more song-like. It's beautifully written, and my only suggestion is perhaps giving it a more conclusive ending? Don't change what you have. It just feels like another stanza is needed. I don't know. Thoughts?

[Preston]

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
thats the best i can say((: