The Gift of Knowing

this is only the first part of my short story; please critique with honesty! (It's also a rough draft, so I'm sure there are pleanty of grammatical errors)

"So what? I like to bite it." Stacy continued chewing on her Tootsie pop, intently trying to get to the chocolate-core. "Well, don’t cry if you break your teeth, " I said , hoping that I didn’t sound like I was scolding her. I don’t think it would have mattered much though if it did; Stacy always manages to smile, even when I’m yelling at her.

We walked down the long hall together, passing many classrooms–some full of children, others empty, but all colorfully decorated with handmade crafts hanging from the walls, as well as the occasional "ABC’s" and "123" posters. Before we even got to her home room, Stacy ran ahead of me, cheering and skipping towards her new friends, yelling behind her "Ok, I found my classroom, go away now! Love you!" "Yeah–sure," I said with a half-hearted smile. I turned around and started heading towards the exit, thinking about how I ever became responsible for taking care of her. Most boys my age are out doing fun stuff–playing sports, watchin’ movies and hanging out with friends–as for me, I get to play "Mommy and Daddy" to an annoying little sister. Already eight-thirty, I thought to myself, better hurry up.

As I got on my bike and started heading towards school, a girl jumped out in front of me, holding her hand straight out in front of her, signaling me to stop as if she were a traffic cop. "What the Hell!" I screamed. My bike skidded and I fell off as I tried to bring it to a halt. "Well, there’s no need to curse, you know. Cursing in public is rude, especially for a boy your age. It was just like I told my mother the other day–or maybe it was today–hmm, well anyway I said ‘my, kids these days! They just are growing up way to fast! And–‘" She continued to talk about mile a minute. She talked about how kids are rude, the importance of being nice to animals..and the prospects of it raining, all in a span of 60 seconds. What an odd girl, I thought to myself. She gladly would have continued to talk my ear off, but I finally lost all patience and yelled, "look, what do you want? And what do you mean ‘boy’s my age’..you’re what, fourteen–fifteen? Only a year older than me! I don’t even know who you are, so stop acting like a crazy person!" I brushed myself off and put my bike upright, "Crap! I’m gonna be late for my first day of school!" As I jumped on my bike and began to ride away, the strange girl yelled after me "Well, actually, you won’t be late for anything!" Good Greif! I thought to myself, It’s just like a girl to insist that it’s ok to be late. Of course, the first girl to ever pay attention to me is a total basketcase!The girl continued shouting, flailing her arms and telling me to stop. As I peddeled away as fast as I could, I heard her scream "LOOK AT YOUR WATCH!" I peered down to see what she was talking about; my watch said "8:30." I suddenly stopped my bike and yelled behind me "ok, what the Hell did you do to my watch!" She ran up to me, panting heavily, but looking as pleased as ever, "Oh, time stopped! Didn’t you notice?" I just stared at her in disbelief. "Time...stopped? You think I’m that stupid? My watch is just messed up, or it’s just some dumb trick. I gotta get to school!" She smiled cheerily at me again, saying "Oh, I already told you! You don’t need to go to school! Look around you, Kevin!" As I peered at my surroundings, I noticed that the trees seemed eerily still–in fact, I’m certain that none of the leaves on any of the trees were moving. None of the cars in the street where moving either; I looked across the street and saw a man bent over to pick up his morning paper from the lawn, and as I looked up, birds were suspended in mid-flight. Everything looked so unreal-maybe even a little scary. My heart sunk at the realization that I must be going crazy. I stood there simply dazed in disbelief, "Oh God, I’m crazy..why me? Is this what I deserve?" She patted my shoulder saying, "There, there, you’re not crazy! And how did you know?" Still certain that I must have gone mad, I just stupidly replied "huh?" She took out a folded envelop from her dress pocket and handed it to me, saying "Here, see for youself." I slowly took it from her and unfolded the envelop which read: "To: Kevin, From: God."

 

Reviews

[jon hobbes]

I enjoyed what you posted. It was quite fun, and the twist caught me off guard.

The fast-talking girl in the street is an interesting character. I think you can do more to bring her to life. For example, don't paraphrase! Whenever she speaks, you might hint that she's a bit ... different by using long, wandering sentences. That could even be funny. She might be in the middle of such a string of words when she steps in front of the bicycle.

Make the boy fall off the bike before he yells at her. Example, "Grinding the brakes, the bike and I began to skid. The next thing I remembered, I was on the pavement. "What the hell are you doing?" I shouted, getting to my feet." For me, at least, this is a bit easier to understand, because the imagine is broken down into smaller events. Screaming and crashing all at once is harder to depict.

The imagines you describe when time stops are good. I hope you have fun with them later on the story. However, I suggest that the boy become frightened, rather than saddened, by the thought of going crazy. To be saddened by the prospect of insanity is actually quite entertaining (to me), so if you decide to keep it, remember that it says something about the boy; I don't think any of my friends would react like that.

On a final note, I feel like you are struggling a bit to define the ages of the boy and the girl who stops him in the street. You could easily tell the reader how old the boy is by writing, "Most sixteen-year-old boys ..." rather than, "Most boys my age ..."

Hope some of that is helpful. Feel free to send a message if anything needs clarifying.