Unspoken Words

Just so that my thoughts go somewhere and not rot inside my head

Dear Ammini, 

I tend to write when my feelings get the best of me, when words are left unspoken in a state of helplessness.

I can't begin to fathom the things I want to talk to you but I know that i won't say the things I actually want to say. 

Last time we met, you had asked me why i loved you. I dont think what I told you that day gave any justice to the actual truth. A part of it was mostly fueled by that inner feeling I got when we met for the first couple of times. But let me dig deep inside my mind palace for a second. Gradually, the small things which you did picked up on me. You should know that you are kind. You are a good person who knows what's right and wrong. You think with logic and argue with reason. You are smart and you keep me on my toes and humble me when required. This may not be much but this is what I look out for in a woman and I find it really attractive. I also like how you say 'oh really' when i say something stupid. I miss the 'mmmmmmmmmmmmm'  you did when you wanted to think about something before speaking. Believe me when I say I have not met someone like you and I have not even started telling about how beautiful you are on the outside! (Could've been more funny but that's okay because I also need to pitch in something right?)

From me lying on your lap last week to us taking a break from each other, life has really taken a 180 right now. Things are looking pretty bleak. I know I made a mistake and there's nothing I can do to reverse it. There's no excuse, I never should've done it in the first place. I only wish for you to understand why I did what I did.  

It has been four days of no contact. Four days sound trivial but it seems much longer when I'm constantly thinking about you. My emotions overwhelm me. I somehow ended up starting a crying streak since the day we last met. Every night I lay down in darkness and let my thoughts consume me. I had joked about crying myself to sleep but ironically that has become my reality now. I am getting the feeling that things are not going to go my way. I keep thinking of a reality where you and I are not together and believe me when i say nothing has hurt me more than the thought of you and me not being together. The future I had dreamt for the both of us was beautiful but now I'm left wondering if you want the same thing.

I keep calling you every single night knowing the chances of you picking up is dim. But deep inside I have a pinch of hope that you might actually want to talk to me one of these days. So I'm going to keep trying even though I die a little inside each day you see my missed call and choose not to talk to me. I know we agreed to take a break but I can't do this anymore. I feel like I'm trapped in a cave and the only thing that can rescue me is you. I honestly don't think I'll survive one more week of this. 

So here I lay in my bed with my blue lights on and feeling blue. Sounds kind of selfish but I really want you to come back to me. You have become a need for me a long time back and I need you now more than ever.

Sincerely,

Someone who loves you