Chapter 16 - Spring of 2020

2nd to last chapter, babyy

”It’s a shame things with Lexi and you aren’t working out,” Sandra said from the driver’s seat. Damien was asleep beside her in the passenger’s spot, and Marco was subjected to the back row. 

“It’s not that they we’re not working out, she only asked for a bit of space.” Marco glared, “Why’s it your business anyway?”

”I’d only like to know,” his mother said defensively. “I was hoping-”

”I don’t care what you’re hoping for. I really don’t.” Marco leaned against the car door behind the driver’s place. His head rattled against the window whenever they hit any large bumps in the road. 

“Sorry,” Sandra whispered in a northern accent that elongated her “o” sound. 

”No, you’re good.”

Marco’s mother changed lanes to jump around a particularly slow 18-wheeler. ”I wish romance worked out better for you,” she said.

”Mom, your expectations aren't realistic. Just because you and dad got together like, two months after meeting, doesn't mean that it’s a regular thing to do.”

”Him and I, we’re very happy.”

”And I’m not saying that you aren’t, but you gotta understand that you shouldn’t do that. Marriage isn’t supposed to be a gambling sport.”

“And what happened with Roxane?”

”I realized that I wasn’t happy anymore, maybe not even to begin with.”

”I’m just saying, she was a very stable partner.”

”Why are you always siding with her?”

”Am I not allowed to? It’s not hurting anyone.”

”Maybe it is hurting someone. I just think that you misunderstand the situation.”

”Then make me understand.”

Marco readjusted his position. “That isn’t my job,” he said.

“Fine, then I’ll keep my opinions and you keep your arms crossed. Don’t get me wrong though. Lexi is amazing as well, assuming that it all works out.”

”Maybe it will. If it doesn’t, that’s ok too.”

“You’re alright with letting her go? Just like that?”

”She’s always free to go, just like I’m always free to go. Of course it would break my heart if she decided she no longer wanted me, but out of respect for her, I’m not going to beg her back or something.”

“What happened to fighting for love?”

”I’m not sure love should be fought for like that.”

”I don’t think I understand what you mean when you say “like that”.”

Marco shrugged. ”Like, queer people still can’t get married in a bunch of countries. That kind of fighting for love I can get behind. But when it’s a hetero man stalking his ex, that’s icky. That’s borderline illegal.”

”Well, aren't gays illegal?”

”That was not remotely close to the point I was trying to make.”

”I’m just saying,”

”Dear lord,” Marco said under his breath.

”I love em, but do they really, seriously have to be so noisy with the flags and all?”

”Mom. If a person is from Scotland so they put up a Scottish flag in front of their house, is that being noisy? No. It’s having national pride. Same thing with LGBT folks.”

Marco’s mother squinted at the road in front of her in thought. She looked as if something had clicked inside her mind. “I suppose that’s true,” she admitted.

”My original point was that I’ll see what happens.”

Damien rolled over in his sleep. Sandra was silent for quite some time. She periodically gazed at her son through the mirror. “I’m glad you’re doing this for yourself.”

”I don’t have a choice,” Marco said glumly as his eyes jumped from trees to powerlines to cars whizzing by in the inverse direction. He felt like a child, the way he was stuck in the backseat and unsure of what was to come. Marco couldn’t stand how careful everyone was being around him. He couldn’t stand the look in Lucien’s eyes from the other side of the car, nose pointed in disappointment. “Why are you still here?” Marco thought to himself.

”Pardon me, I forgot that I only exist to serve you.”

Marco’s eyes got big. “Have you been listening to what I think this whole time?”

”Most of the time you don’t have many thoughts, so you don’t give me too much to work with.”

”I’m sorry. I wish you were real. I wish you could keep being real. I wish they’d believe me when I say that you’re real.”

”Do you even believe that anymore?”

”I don’t know what to think.”

“Then don’t. It’s better safe than sorry anyway.”

”Wait, Lucien. Come-” Marco said aloud. His ghostly companion seemed to accidentally have tumbled out of the closed car door. Sandra stared at her son through the mirror with much distress. She said nothing. Marco said nothing. 

There was less than an hour left in the drive. Endless farmland and patches of sylvan hills turned into small communities, and eventually the city. Queen Anne style abodes and historic apartments sat up on the bluffs overlooking a rather spiffy downtown. Minneapolis was tall and modern. Its buildings spiked up from a carpet of green that snuggled up to the river. Even in such an exciting setting, the pit in Marco’s stomach tore deeper. 

That night, very little sleep took place. The facility was far too loud to get any decent rest in, between the mechanical buzzing of the radiator or water coursing through the pipes, chairs being moved around upstairs or Hudson sitting on the edge of the bed and reading the fire escape manual. 

“Exit your room and turn right. Continue moving past the double doors at the end of the corridor. You can expect these doors to be open when the fire alarm has been triggered. Take a westward left and proceed all the way down the hall. There, you will find stairs that will take you to the first level. From that landing, you can leave the building through an emergency exit. Please do not use this exit unless a fire is present in the building.”

”Shut up. My God,” groaned Marco with palms to his face. “It’s like, one in the morning.”

“All I’ve ever done is help you and this is how I’m thanked?”

”Can I just sleep once? And what is this hero complex you’ve made up in your head?”

”I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

”Of course you don’t, ‘cause you ignore every piece of criticism tossed your way.”

”At least I’m not soft as a snowflake like somebody around here.”

”What’s your deal? Really, I’m all ears.”

”You sure you wouldn’t stab me in the back at my weakest point?” 

“No, Hudson. It’s only you who does that.”

”I’ve no trust in you.”

”I don’t care that much either way.” 

After turning on his side and closing his eyes, Marco’s thoughts began to drift, when all of a sudden, Hudson did pipe up. “I didn’t live a good enough life, and to be honest, you have everything.” 

Marco peeled an eye open. “What?”

”Your family loves you and would do anything for you. Your girlfriend is hot, your daughter is smart, your cat is friendly. Everybody likes you. Everyone needs somebody like you in their lives. Not me. I’m a terror and a havoc wrecker. Everywhere I go, bad things happen. I head to the grocery store? “Oh Hudson, all the cheese spoiled exactly when you showed up.” I go to the doctor’s? “Oh Hudson, that boy across the hall has a broken leg, liver failure, and astigmatism, and it all appeared when you did.” I ain’t superstitious, but I must have stepped on a lot of cracks, broken a lot of mirrors, and walked under a crap ton of ladders, the way people treat me now. Well, I guess I should say then. ‘Cause, you know, I’m dead now. Dead at nineteen. I never got to make it to the milestones. No college for me, no sir. No wedding, no firstborn’s birth, no firstborn’s first birthday. No rising up the corporate ladder, no taking vacations with my family. No growing old with the ones I love. No dying good, all ‘cause I had to die bad. I shoulda seen it coming. I shoulda been careful. I shouldn’t have been such a daredevil and a yes-I-can man. If only I knew that it would cost me my life, maybe I would have listened. So I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I’m stuck like this. I wish I could grow. I wish I could be better than I am. I wish that I could take it all back, but I can’t. Marco, you’re a good man, and I need you to be better than me. Don’t do new things. Stick to the normal. You’re great just as you are. I don’t need you changing and ending up like me. Whatever you do, don’t be who I was.”

”I dunno if there’s a proper response I could give you. If I had known how you felt, I could’ve been a better friend.”

”There’s no use, Marco. It’s over for me. Put that book back on its shelf.” 

“I’m sorry. I’ve been told that I try too hard to fix everything.”

”It’s true,” Hudson said. He turned his back to leave the room. “It’s the worst best attribute to possess.”

”Wait! Why do all of you keep leaving?”

”I thought that’s what you wanted.”

“There’s a weird line between what I want and what I need. I don’t want this to happen. Believe me, I want to keep the status quo.”

”Then it’s what you need, Marco. Goodbye.”

”Will you be back?”

”It’s a possibility.”

Hudson went away, and left Marco rather speechless. He laid himself down again, but wasn’t able to rest. Periodically, nurses would peek through the blinds from the hallway, or come in and ask if Marco needed anything. He supposed that they got a little spooked when he started talking to himself. At some point, the establishment’s rhythmic droning spoke blandishments to his feebly awakened state. The world around him became frivolous as his eyes could lift no more. There was a sense of gentle freedom to it all. Terrifying, sure, but gratifying. He was his own man, and nobody, alive or dead, would change it.