Chapter 17 - Autumn of 2020

Final chapter, wave your goodbyes!

“I know this must be what everyone is asking, but,” Lexi shrugged. “How are you?”

“I can't lie, it was an odd time and I’m glad to be outa there. I’m alright though. The people there do a good job at getting you accustomed to living on your own again.”

Lexi nodded. “If you don’t want to talk about it, I understand,” she said as she draped her arm over the back of her couch. 

”To be honest, I don't mind.” Marco mirrored her action, making their hands meet in the middle. “I think when most people think of mental care, they picture research from a long time ago, when actually, they’ve gotten a lot better at everything.”

”If it isn’t confidential, what did you do in there?”

It was Marco’s turn to shrug. ”A wide variety of stuff, partly because there were a wide variety of illnesses being treated within the facility, but also the process itself is a lot of throwing everything at the wall and seeing what sticks. Sometimes we did large group stuff like tai chi. I did a lot of speaking to “ists”. Psychologists, psychiatrists, all that jazz.”

The pupils in Lexi’s eyes were large and relaxed, ever encompassed by rings of muted blue. 

“What’s new around here?” Asked Marco.

”Uh, lemme think. Oh, I got my helix pierced.” Lexi brushed a soft chunk of hair out of the way and pointed to the upper cuff of her ear where two silver hoops now clung.

”They’re healing well I hope?”

”Yeah, I mean,” she tapped her fist against the wooden coffee table. “I don’t want to jinx it.”

Marco smiled. He spaced out, seemingly still thinking about the previous topic. “It fixed a surprising amount of stuff that I didn’t realize was an issue. Thought processes that I probably picked up as a child from dance or something.”

”I always forget that you had such elegant hobbies as a kid.”

”Elegant is a word you could use.”

”Can you still do the thing?”

Marco stared at her blankly. ”Broski what?”

”The standing up thing.”

”Pointe?”

”Yeah, that one.”

Marco stood flat on his feet. “I haven’t tried in like, a decade, but maybe.” With an arm to the wall for support, he popped himself up on his toes. Lexi watched as it all came back to him. Careful technique from years of old took control of his body. His shoulders became as soft as his knees were stiff. He simply stood for a moment. 

“Yee-ouch,” Marco exclaimed as he seated himself back on the couch, this time a little closer to Lexi. 

“Does it hurt?”

”It always does when you don’t practice for a while.”

Quieter now, Lexi asked, ”Is all that stuff about eating disorders in the dance community true?”

Marco tilted his head, thinking of the best thing to say. “Yes and no. As a man, I definitely didn’t experience the same pressure that a woman would to be slim and presentable or whatever, but it was still all around me, but maybe not like you’re thinking.” 

“That does not make any sense.”

“Dance is good for you in the same way that sports are good for you. If someone is a track star,”

”She’s a runner, she’s a track star,” Lexi interjected in song.

”Right. If someone runs a bunch, then they’re going to have knee problems or something. Is it good for your knees? No. Is it good for the rest of you? It can be. Same with dance. The experience is what you make of it.”

Lexi furrowed her brow like it still didn’t make sense, but she didn’t want to ask. ”You sound really knowledgeable,” she said instead

”Truethfully, I’m just repeating to you what the therapists helped me to realize.”

Lexi grinned. “I’m so glad you’re back.”

”Yeah. Are we… Are you and I back together?”

”Other than geographically, were we ever not together? ”

”I thought that’s what you meant when you said,”

”I do not remember what I said.” 

”So like,”

”Yeah, dude. We’re back together.”

”Hell yes,” Marco whispered. He could smell his woman when she leaned close with a hand on his chest. He felt like he had truly returned home when Lexi’s lips brushed up with his own. There was no witty commentary from an otherworldly onlooker. There wouldn’t be a debriefing later about what he did right and what he said wrong. It was like mourning the dead, but you couldn’t die twice, could you? Were they still there, passing judgment without a word or sound? Not Birdie. She was dead dead. Double dead. Gone from every corner of the mortal world. 

“Ohh, I forgot that I bought this!” Lexi exclaimed from the kitchen. She held up a small plastic jar of ice cream for her partner to see. “It’s kind of freezer-burnt though.”

”I don’t care if you don’t care,” said Marco. 

“Great.” Lexi pulled two spoons from the drawer. “There’s enough that you and I could finish it off, if it isn’t too gross for you to share a container with me” she snickered. “I guess we are in a global pandemic though.”

”Did you not think of that before?”

”I kinda forgot, to be honest. What’s it been like in the medical facility?”

”It was hectic. Heavily understaffed.”

”Did anyone ever bring covid in there?”

”Actually, yes. There was one guy who, and these are his words, “Tested positive but felt fine”.”

”That sounds awful,” Lexi said as her mouth absorbed a spoonful of ice cream.

”It was bad. Everyone got sick. What flavor is this?”

”Pistachio.”

”It’s really good,” Marco mumbled. “But yeah, gross times. The ghosts got really weird when I was sick.”

”Hm. What do you mean?”

”Well, normally they present themselves as regular human people, but in my state of ailment, they began acting more hallucination-y, I guess. Kind of like a fever dream. Very weird and unexpected. Frightening.”

”How many ghosts are there?”

”As many as there are dead people. I only really got to know four.”

”They were your friends?”

”Yeah. Why so surprised?”

”It’s just that they seemed so negative before.”

”That was mostly Hudson’s handiwork. He was a…”

“B***h?”

”I was gonna say “a lot”, he was definitely that too though. But the others were pretty cool usually.”

”I think I remember you mentioning a Clyde?” 

“No, that would be Clive. I didn’t get to know him an awful lot. I kind of regret never having talked to him that much. I was, however, pretty close to his homeboy, Lucien. We were good buds,” Marco said. “She didn’t live with me, but I also knew this woman, Birdie. I talked to her often when I smoked. She was one of the people who convinced me to really try to quit. I owe her a lot. I miss her a lot.”

Lexi mirrored the sadness she saw in her partner. “C’mere,” she as her arms wrapped firmly around Marco’s neck. Her smooth, round nails grazed over his wavy brown hair, which had grown out quite a bit since she had seen him last, several months ago. It swept over his eyes and down the back of his neck like water over rocks. 

“How is work?” Marco asked?

”Jeez, I forgot that you probably haven’t heard. You know Frank Mounds, the boss guy? Turns out he was a money launderer. The whole radio thing was a scheme. It was crazy. The city pretty much shut down with investigations for like, two days.”

”Oh my stars.” Marco wore a smug look of satisfaction. ”You don’t say?”

”That might’ve been the wildest thing to ever happen here.”

”How long ago was this?”

”A week ago.”

”WHAT? You mean to tell me that if I had been here just a WEEK earlier, I could have watched that scene play out with my OWN TWO EYES?!”

”I should’ve called you sooner.” Lexi shook her head to herself. 

“So, LPR shut down?”

”You bet your rump it did. To be honest, that’s what all of Logtown is doing. Everything’s running out of money.”

“Me too,” Marco joked.

“Have you started job hunting again?”

”Yeah, I have. There are a lot of opportunities in the city.” Marco brought his knees to his chest. 

“Have you heard back at all?”

”Not yet,” sighed Marco. “But I’m being optimistic. God is watching.”

”He is. Was there a chapel in the mental place?”

”Yeah, I think it’s a requirement. I liked it. There was this big glass mosaic in the middle of the room that pictured some birch trees along a coast, maybe Lake Superior. Super pretty.” 

“Nice. Have you been to church outside of there yet?”

“I’ve visited a few. I liked this one Lutheran group, but I also tried a Baptist church, a non-denominational church, and a Presbyterian church”

”That’s a lot of Holy Spirit in like, two weeks.”

”Sunday-Wednsday-Sunday-Wednesday.”

”So much word of God.”

”So much love of Jesus.”

“I don’t want it to sound like I had any judgment for you when you weren’t attending church that much, but you seem like you’re happy to be going often.”

”It’s been better than I was expecting. The tiny investment advisor in my mind kept telling me that I was beyond saving or something, so I just had to prove him wrong.”

”The tiny investment advisor in your brain is straight lying, dude.”

”I know, he is the worst investment advisor ever. He needs to lose his licence."

”I’m glad you didn’t listen to him.”

”I did for way too long. He told me that I was already being a bad Christian, so what was the point of going at all?”

”There’s no such thing as a bad Christian as long as you’re trying to be a good person.”

”Tell that to him,” Marco laughed. He poked his head as if knocking on Mr. Awful Investment Advisor’s door. 

“So,” Lexi asked, “You’re living in Minneapolis now?”

”I’ve got an apartment on the east side of Saint Paul. It’s kinda old, but it’s good.”

”How is Juniper?”

”She’s alright. I spent all of yesterday with her. She said that she wishes I were closer, and I said that she can visit anytime.”

”Well, that’s not really possible if you live out of state and she doesn’t have a way of transporting herself.”

”I know.”

”Have you spoken to Roxane?”

”Not a ton. Sooner or later I need to just talk with her.”

”I agree.”

”Is it weird for me to talk about her?”

”No. Your past doesn’t define you, Marco.”

”I’ve never understood what that means.”

”I guess it’s supposed to mean that whatever already happened in the past, shouldn’t predict what will happen in the future. Everyone has stuff that they regret, so it would be ignorant and hypocritical to judge someone for it. Everybody is guilty of something, but you don’t have to let it weigh you down.” 

Marco’s eyes sparkled like he was captivated by a goddess’ presence. As far as he was concerned, he was. 

“What time is it?” Yawned Marco.

With a glance to her watch, Lexi replied, ”9:30-ish. Why, you got somewhere to be?”

”No, but I should think about heading back to the hotel eventually. I’ve got a bunch of annoying crap I still need to do after rejoining the real world.”

“Can’t it wait? What is it that needs to be done?”

”Call the dentist, call the car dealership, remind the bank that I’m still alive, the list could go on.”

“Why can’t you do it tomorrow?”

”I guess i could. Man, this conversation is starting to sound like that one awful Christmas song.”

”Oh ew, yuck, nevermind. Go home now.”

“Speaking of homes, have you thought about getting out of here?”

”Out of Logtown?”

Marco nodded.

”I think everyone here is. Why do you ask? You got somewhere in mind?”

”You should come to Minnesota. It’s beautiful there.”

”Isn’t it really cold?”

”Nothing you and I aren't used to. Besides, the summers are nice.” 

Lexi smiled. “Maybe I will. How many more days are you staying in ‘sconsin?”

”Two days. I do have actual real life friends from college who I’m planning to see.”

“I’m glad. Have fun with them.”

“I actually should go soon,” Marco sighed. “Thank you for having me over. Please talk to me whenever.”

”Yeah yeah,” Lexi rolled her eyes sarcastically

Marco had only started picking up his phone and keys when Lexi’s suddenly serious voice rung out.

“Wait,” she urged. 

“Hm?”

She reached her gentle hand out to a very confused Marco, as if consoling a startled horse. “How long has that tattoo been there?” 

“Oh.” Marco stopped. “It’s recent.” He placed a hand on the crisp black semicolon inked into the back of his neck. “It hurt a lot, but it was pretty quick.”

”Why haven’t you told me anything about… about it?”

”I dunno. I suppose it’s hard to bring up.”

The partners played chess with their eyes. Neither wanted to admit what “it” was. 

“Nothing really happened.”

”Was there a possibility of something happening?”

”At the time, I assumed you were still mad at me and wouldn’t want to hear it. I guess the investment advisor told me you’d think I was trying to trick you back.” Marco sat on the floor and began loosening the laces of his shoes.

”I’m not gonna be angry when it’s your life we’re talking about, Jesus Christ.” Lexi shook her head. She crouched level to Marco. “What happened?”

”Nothing did.”

”But something must have.”

”My neighbor checked in on me. My brother flew to see me. And then I got treatment. Now I’m here, and I’m fine.”

”You’re sugarcoating.”

”My daughter left and so did all the light, I guess. That sounds stupid. I’m sorry. I don’t want to say anything morbid.”

Tears made a silent course down Lexi’s face. She was biting hard into the inside of her cheek. “I’m sorry you couldn’t trust me.”

”What? No, nonono. It wasn’t a lack of trust. Investment advisor man told me that you wouldn’t care.” Marco regretted his words immediately.

”That might be worse.”

”I’m sorry. Next time I’ll-”

“Don’t you ever say next time.”

”God I’m awful at talking right now. I’m sorry.”

”I love you,” Lexi stated through tears and gasps for breath. It was the first time she’d said it to him. Marco froze in awe. Before he could screw up any worse, he faintly said back, “I love you.”

They were both crying now. Marco uttered out, “I’m sorry.”

”You better be.”

”It won’t happen again.”

”It better not.”

Lexi smudged the back of her hand across her cheek. “Go be a responsible adult. Get to sleep at a reasonable hour.”

”Well now I’m not sure I want to.”

”Is this gonna turn back into that awful Christmas song?”

”Wouldn’t it be the opposite though? ‘Cause I don’t wanna leave?”

”Are you questioning me?”

”No,” Marco said sheepishly. He climbed to his feet and dusted his knees off. “Call me. Please.”

”I will.” Lexi looked around like she was making sure nobody else was there. She kissed the mole on Marco’s cheek and repeated, “I love you.”

”I know. I feel the same. A lot. Obviously. Goodnight.”

Lexi smiled to herself. She watched her partner nearly slip on the concrete stairs as he made way to his car. She felt a warm sense of pride for him. There was a muted growl to Marco’s ignition, and he soon drove away. 

Marco took a slight scenic route through his old town. Some folks had already put up halloween decorations, while other yards only became crispy and muted. Marco drove slowly past his old house. Though he’d never had a car while living there, part of him instinctually wanted to pull into the drive, like he expected Juniper to be drawing in her sketchbook on the couch. Marco took a left turn down Main Street. He admired the overpriced coffee shop and low-quality laundromat, the townie dive, the local pool, even Logtown Private Radio. The building was dark, and a cop’s car lurked in the lot. They were awfully serious about all the many people who wanted to break in there. Marco halted for a red light. He took a right to snoop past the Dollar General that was going out of business, and its neighbor across the alleyway, a YMCA with a grand total of 5 members. Past the train tracks and clump of towering Oakes that puffed out like mushroom clouds, Marco parked his car on the side of the road. The Starch River’s rustle and gush could be heard from where he was standing, even before the bridge came into view. The stone was as cold and rough as the last time he had stood there. Marco glided his finger over couple’s initials, circled in hearts and etched into stone. Childishly, he searched. Perhaps there had been another “M” and “L” here before. To no avail, he began what he’d come to do. Marco crouched to the ground, and slipped his hand into his pocket, dragging back a small plastic bag. One by one, he plucked them from the ground: hundreds, maybe thousands of cigarette butts. They certainly weren’t his, but it mattered no less to clean them up. Marco wasn’t sure if his action would ever matter, if he was doing a net good thing. Something in his heart told him that it did. If nothing else, his act could be symbolic, a revelation to himself, and to all the others who came here to smoke. Maybe they’d notice the litter picked up, and they’d stop to think. Marco would never know for sure. He could only be humble and hope.