Waiting on you

Summer has finally set foot in my town

I am simply waiting for you to come down

The temperature is hot, the sun is up high

There are clouds and birds up in the blue sky

 

I’m sitting in the lounge chair, waiting on you

Dreaming about our love, I never really knew

That my life could be like this, feeling so nice

Never really believing, the emotions are precise

 

Now autumn is here and I’m still sitting

I’m not going to stop, I’m completely committing

To a lifetime made for both of us, you and I

I’m just wondering where you are, asking you why

 

Winter is creeping up on me, chilling my bones

You haven’t called me once, there’s no ringing of my phone

The tears that have collected are waiting to fall

I pick up my journal and quickly begin to scrawl

 

Spring has come to take the harsh cold away

But my mind is filled to the brim with grey

I won’t give up on you, until you tell me to

Until you call me up to say that we are through

 

Reviews

[M@]

Well...not your best. I can tell (from reading your other works), that your skills seem to lie in prose, rather than poetry, and there's a few reasons for that and ways I can tell, along with my humble suggestions on how you can have a bit more fun with your poetry.

I feel incredibly trapped by this poem. The rhyme scheme, followed by four-line stanzas, make for a rediculously traditional poem. This, in itself, is not a bad thing. However, your timing with words and your rhythm make for an ackward read, so the perfect end rhymes and perfect punctuation don't help there.

I've read this poem before, but this is the first time I've seen it, meaning here that all the words and imagry you use in this piece to convey a feeling are cliche; they've been used time and time again, and while there's nothing wrong with that, it just means that the poem loses it's impact value that it's capable of having.

One of the coolest exercises to do (in some cases, these exercises can turn into pieces of work) is to pick a singular image or feeling, and trying to convey it in a way that is most unlike the feeling or idea you're trying to convey. Tie it together with other images that give that same feeling, or even use flat out antonyms. Write every single thing you can think of down, and don't get rid of a thing until you think you're done. It's one of the best ways I've found to get yourself thinking of one thing from multiple angles.

You have the basics of poetry, which is a good thing, but through reading your poetry, I feel that you feel forced when writing it (the rhyme schemes, in some places, feel forced). Let loose, don't hold back, all that cliche inspirational stuff, and give your poetry the same kick you give your short stories.

My eyes, once again, send their best regards for the large text.

I got lost in it,in a good way of course.It is though,very sad.

[None]

This is heavy with the sadness of one who doesn't return--or maybe he does. How long is a person willing to wait? Life passes us by too quickly and waiting brings discontent to the soul, or maybe patience...or both? Your poem raises so many tender thoughts and here's to hoping dreams come true!
Excellent display of feelings and sadness.

[PhoeniX]

this one hits the spot in me... what a beautiful vision. words flowed well.

the last stanza is my favorite.

your rhyming is good.

all well done.

[Sandra K]

What a sad poem.

It started out with high hopes,

but those damn boys, that let us

down.

Great poem, i'm glad you shared.

Sandra K!