Cold, Heartless

The knife digs into my flesh, deeper, deep

I feel no pain; it seems fear wipes all away

Your eyes hold my gaze, cold, heartless

I shudder as you pull the blade out

It’s covered in warm blood, my blood

You never blink; I feel the ice of your heart

I fall to the ground and you stand over me

As the blood starts soaking my clothing and carpet

You continue watching, never leaving my side

I feel so cold; my mind is blank and numb

I want to scream, to ask you why

But I have no breath left to spare for you

 

Reviews

[mick weller]

`But I have no breath left to spare for you`
...but just enough strength to get out the old lappy?
...so a third person viewpoint would make this piece more believable?

`I feel so cold; my mind is blank and numb` - but then I write this (and we believe it's you the narrator and in present tense it's happening now)
- see where I'm coming from?
an `external` viewpoint would allow you to let this character go - maybe only to the hospital...?
sounds pretty fatal though...
the old slippery artistic license at work! - I have the same problem with my character in Bach Walking...
it's great and believable... then - `hang on a bit` you've just been stabbed...
'Argh... quick, pass me a pen and paper...'
very graphic though!

[ac31595]

i like this! very deep didnt expect to read this! very nice -ac

[Steph]

it seems to me that this isn't meant to be taken literally. the poem sounds like stuff that i've written--i like it. just a way of getting things out, right? good job. :)

[A.r. Bazian]

the sad consumption of the truth of your experiences! they always choke you!
a good write!
sad... heartfelt!
enjoyable!

i like!
keep it up!

[Michael]

Boy, I have to tell you this one did not end up where I thought it would. Not that it's a problem - I like surprises. The flow is excellent and imagery is strong. You painted a vivid picture for me.


Great Job!