My Dark Nessa

Black tea. Peanut butter sandwich breakfasts. Chalk dust and blackboards. Seaglass octagonal bay windows. Skeletal maple trees. October. August. Red hair. Maine. Boarding school. Childhood bedrooms. Corduroys. Mary Jane sandals. Liquid. Red wine. English teachers. Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov. Classic literature. Burning cigarettes. A yellow labrador puppy. Silk nighties. Strawberry pajamas. Journaling again. Reading. Resolutions to be better. Get a job. Write more. Not thinking about the world ending. Dystopian. Season 10 of Adventure Time where all of the people’s veins are wires, and they’re breathing through tubes. More black tea. Peanut butter straight from the jar. Sucking sticks of chalk. Dust. Blackboards. Sitting by the bay window. Cutting my wrist on seaglass. Autumn trees. October and the month of August. Red. Hair. Maine.

Reviews

[JayG]

Okay, what's in it for the reader? What will a stranger find interesting about a series of declarative statements based on things only you have context for?

People come to poetry to be made to feel and care, as a form of entertainment. But...did you wake today burning to know what's bothering me? Of course not.

My point is that instead of making the reader know how you feel, Make-Them-Feel-It. Don't tell the reader you cried, give THEM reason to weep.

Think about it. Poetry is a field that has been under refinement for more than a thousand years. Take advantage of that. Profit from THEIR mistakes and all that's been learned, because the only writing skills we're given in school are those employers value for the reports, letters, and other nonfiction they need us to produce. And those fact-based nonfiction techniques can only inform, where the emotion-based skills of the poet can directly involve the reader.

My favorite example of this is the lyric to the song, "The Twelfth of Never," released in 1957. Look at the opening:
- - - - -
You ask how much I need you, must I explain?
I need you, oh my darling, like roses need rain.
You ask how long I'll love you; I'll tell you true:
Until the twelfth of never, I'll still be loving you.
- - - - -
Notice the clever trick played on the reader: The speaker is replying to a question the reader supposedly asked, placing that reader INTO the poem, as the beloved who has asked that question. And since it’s one we might ask of someone who loves us, the answer is inherently interesting (especially since, if it’s a good answer we might use it).

So with “You ask,” and without realizing why, the reader is emotionally involved. That’s brilliant writing, because this one line makes the rest of the poem meaningful to the reader.

In response to the question of how long their commitment will last, the speaker dismisses it as supposedly obvious. Yet it’s a critical question, so the seeming disconnect again draws the reader in, with the unspoken comment of, "Well yes, you absolutely must tell me, because I need to know." So, given the attitude placed into the reader with that thought, it feels as if the poem is directed at us. And that’s a HUGE hook. Right?

The response is 100% allegorical. It says, in effect, “I can’t live without you,” but does it in a pretty and interesting way.

The question/answer sequence then continues with a clever twist, Love will end, but on a date that’s an impossibility.

It’s emotion-based writing that calls up context that already exists in the reader/listener’s mind. But even had they never heard the expression “like roses need rain,” it would be instantly meaningful.

It’s part of a song, but this first verse, for me, is a perfect example of emotion-based poetry.

Let's take it one step further, and look at the FLOW. It's metrical poetry, so it rhymes. But notice that the rhymes aren't the obvious Moon/June type, and the words fit the thought so well that the rhyme seems incidental, an accent rather than a drumbeat. And, each line has the same cadence: seven beats per line that the reader, or singer, will fall into, enhancing the experience.

Make sense?

The problem behind the problem, as I see it, is that for the author, every line acts as a pointer to ideas, memories, events, and outcomes, all stored in our mind. But too often, for the reader, every line acts as a pointer to ideas, memories, events, and outcomes, all stored in *OUR* mind, because we forget to give the context that will make the words meaningful to the reader.

Aside from the great lyrics, it’s a pretty song. The most popular version of it was recorded by Johnny Mathis in 1958 A live recording, later in his career, is here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2PnPnSjCUnc

If that seems reasoable, head for your favorite bookseller and read the excerpt from Mary Oliver's, A Poetry Handbook. It's a true gem of a book, that will make a huge difference in your work

[kimpetersen13kp]

Thank you so much for the valuable feedback. I really appreciate you for taking the time to formulate this thoughtful review.