Slapstick Dreams

Sometimes we mistake the caricature of life for life.

I want…

Pleasure without pain

Freedom without danger

Life without death

Contentment without boredom

Sex without love

Love without rejection

Rejection without doubt

Doubt without thoughts of slinging myself from the beams lining the ceiling of my apartment.

 

I spend a moment contemplating the tensile strength of an extension cord.

 

I spend another moment contemplating the irony of ending my life with an extension cord.

 

I spend my last moment doubting that’s actually irony.

Author's Note

Any comments would be appreciated.
I'd love to know any thoughts you have.

Is the poem subtle or is it like pounding you with a brick?

Reviews

[Sirius King]

wow this is really great
strong, and unique style

100/100

[Aaron]

Thank you!

[Sirius King]

np :-)

[Rob Santana]

This a good write. I like the deep thoughts and the raw honesty of it.I also like that it doesn't rhyme. I don't think all poems have to rhyme. I'm trying to get myself out of that mode.

[Aaron]

I have the habit of turning any rhyming poems I write into a cheap clone of Dr. Seuss. I make a fool of myself when I try.
I appreciate the comments. Thanks!

[Mia]

You're an interesting one, aren't you. Not a question...I already know the answer. I love how you talk about wanting all those things, almost as if its something to work towards. And then you end it all.
"I spend a moment contemplating the tensile strength of an extension cord.
I spend another moment contemplating the irony of ending my life with an extension cord.
I spend my last moment doubting that’s actually irony."
So clever! Very clever!

[Aaron]

Thank you very much!

[John Alexander McFadyen]

Hi Aaron, It is a very intriguing piece. It seems until the final line to be someone struggling with their emotions and their thoughts of suicide and mastering them through insight...then wham.... Well written.

[Aaron]

Great to hear that from you.
Thank you!

[Flo_writer]

This one really made me think of some of the things I want as well. Life without death I'm sure is something everyone wanted at one point or another. I like you brought that immortal feeling to the poem with that line. Then only to turn it around with the suicidal thoughts towards the end. Kudos on the great read. If I may add I don't know if it's because I'm reading this from my phone but I think you may want to increase the font size a bit and fancy up the format. Stylize the font and add a picture maybe to make it overall more inviting. Advertising is everything.

[Aaron]

Thank you for the feedback. I'm definitely going to take your advice on that.

[Natasha]

I think a lot of people would want most of these things- sadly we can't have it all---but .....what if we could, what would we do with all that freedom???

I enjoyed the last three lines at the end---soooooooooo much! Definitely the strongest point in your poem

The first chunk of the poem was pretty decent but a little weak with descriptive words that are "common" poetry words a lot of people like to use, if I think a word is too cliche or common I either change it until it is right or a thesaurus usually helps. Only thing I noticed you have to be careful of is finding words that are almost too smart or weird and then people will be confused or they will know the poem was really "forced" --I know I've come across a few of those on here that are too forced/don't flow well....

sorry for the rambling message--hope it all made sense/can help you out! :)

[Aaron]

I understand. I agree about the common words in the first half. I'm curious to hear the words that sounded forced or weird. I have a few obvious guesses.
And thanks for the compliments on the last part.
I really appreciate the feedback. Thank you.

[The Refined Poet]

such a poignant write. I loved the line "Doubt without thoughts of slinging myself from the beams lining the ceiling of my apartment." It does reveal the thoughts of many of us...

[Aaron]

Thank you. It was meant to be a drastic change from the previous lines. I think it worked.

[The Refined Poet]

It worked well for sure...

[That_Girl]

Nah this is quite the slap in the face. Incredibly strong. That last line is brilliant. Well done!

[Aaron]

Thank you!