A Boat on the Sea of Hopelessness

This is a song-type poem about my personal struggles with depression and self-loathing that I get sometimes. This is a testament to all who suffer. You aren't alone, no matter what you believe.

I lived in scrutiny, fearing mutiny,

Or so I thought.

I wanted to believe, I wanted to trust.

Or to I sought.

I searched all ends of this Earth's crust.

Mile upon mile.

And I placed all my hopes in one place.

One single file.

I want to believe, I want to live,

My love is what I want to give,

But how can I when I don't know?

Do I really know, or is the truth wrapped,

In paper with a really nice bow?

But soon...

I want to die in peace, leave me be,

My hopes have begun to cease, can't you see?

Let my life wane like the moon now,

Give me the peace I found and allowed.

I thought the truth was near,

So I feared.

So I turned over all stones,

I felt it in my bones.

But I found nothing but broken bones,

Under many stones.

The bones of Hopes now well dead,

I hoped it was in my head.

But I realized, hope is something I don't have,

Wishing and praying seems as useless as a laugh,

I don't believe it's true, but yet I do,

My life capsized like a top heavy canoe...

I wanted to believe, I wanted to live,

My love is what I wanted to give,

But how could I when I didn't know?

Did I really know? No.

There was no truth, I was treated like a brute,

However, I stay mute, softer than a flute,

Because I don't know where to go and be,

And so I wander in evil peace agreeably,

But soon...

I decided I want to die, just leave me be,

My hopes have ceased, why can't you see?

I want to be the moon and see my life wane away,

I have no meaning and I will die and decay.

My boat has been sunk into the Sea of Hopelessness,

I drown in self-hatred and pain that I cannot trust,

I can't even though I know I must,

And this is something I can't address.

But then I pray again for something to fish me out,

For something to drag me out of the surf,

To find what I desperately sought,

To no longer be on the land of loneliness a chained serf.

And when I am saved soon...

I will believe, I will live,

My love is what I will give,

I didn't know then, but I do today,

And tomorrow and then everyday.

I will trust, I will love,

My search will still find bones,

The bones of my doubt thrown away,

And the souls of Hope here to stay.

I don't want to die, stay here with me,

So my hopes will never again cease,

Like you did, I'm glad I can finally see,

So that I can live on the beach of the sea,

The Sea of Hopelessness,

And I can finally escape the storms for a small island breeze.