Rutgers Bank-Robbery

A Story by Abishai100

A wily NJ academic-thief attempts an upstaging of a Rutgers blood-diamond baron with a nifty ice-hockey descent.

A local (Rutgers) blood-diamond folk-tale about an unusual American thief with a vision of ice-hockey...and divine escape!

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Amlan Satan is a Rutgers professor studying blood-diamonds (warlord-mined gems from Africa/Europe used to fund terrorism) and capitalism-matrices dissecting modern Cobra (terrorist organization) initiatives. Rutgers is known for its ice-hockey team, for which Satan (Amlan!) happens to be the coach! Rutgers is an idyllic New Jersey (USA) academic area.

The bank where a corrupt capitalism-baron named Emil Kuyt is rumored to be storing blood-diamonds from Europe is located near the Rutgers business school, and Satan (Amlan!) has known this for 2 years and is now planning a daring diamond-heist to present to the NJ media the controversies surrounding Baron Kuyt's fortunes in North America.

Amlan's ex-girlfriend happens to be a bank-teller in the Rutgers area financial institution where Baron Kuyt's storing his blood-diamonds from Europe. However, she's unaware of Satan's scheme to upstage the dark baron.

The Rutgers police has been informed of the gossip surrounding Baron Kuyt's links to North American terrorism-financing and is therefore on high-alert to detect any unusual activity near the NJ bank.

AMLAN SATAN: I'll be walking into the Rutgers area bank where Kuyt's storing his blood-diamonds costumed as a harlequin.

Satan stakes-out the Rutgers area bank first, before he orchestrates his highly-unusual media-stunt heist of Baron Kuyt's blood-diamonds, but what will be the real outcome of this NJ theater?

SATAN: The blood-diamonds are stored in safe-box #508, which I'll have to burn open using an acid-gun.

The 'acid-gun' Satan will be using is simply a toy water-rifle with an inserted casing thin glass-tube to hold corrosive HCL acid. Satan walks into the Rutgers area bank dressed as a harlequin and requests to the guardsman that he be taken to the manager's office directly to explain his theater-association with Baron Kuyt, and the guardsman does so after checking that his handheld toy water-rifle is simply a toy for theatrical gesture.

The bank manager escorts Satan into the safe-box area of the vault-room of the NJ/Rutgers bank where this 'new client' may store his own (fake!) diamonds, and he requests to open a safe-box account neighboring the box belonging to Baron Kuyt. However, once inside the safe-box area, Satan reveals his water-rifle is filled with acid and explains he's to burn through Kuyt's sealed/locked safe-box and switch his rumored 'blood-diamonds' with the diamond he's brought with him. When the manager insists on an explanation for this outrageous detour, Satan explains he's working on behalf of a diamond-inspection media-group creating a special media-stunt involving Kuyt's rumored 'blood-diamonds' for local press about terrorism-reports, and it's part of his theater-production which Satan claims Kuyt's been pre-informed about and therefore requires absolute discretion/secrecy. The manager asks why all this theatricality is necessary, and Satan tells him, "We need creative forms of local terrorism-rumor dispelling, and this is a media-drawing."

BANK MANAGER: We had no clue that Baron Kuyt was such a man of good humor and media-theatricality!

By the time Emil Kuyt discovers his blood-diamonds have been swapped with fakes for a veiled 'media-operation' orchestrated by an unknown agency, Amlan Satan is long-gone, having taken his $20 million gems and hidden it in the soles of his shoes en-route to his metro-train getaway to JFK airport.

Satan exchanges Kuyt's blood-diamonds for assets for a new private Swiss account and makes his way to a NJ/Rutgers ice-hockey game before he leaves for Switzerland. Ironically, he'd achieved this entire theatrical heist without his ex-girlfriend who worked at the bank as a teller knowing it was him in that bizarre theater-costume performing the blood-diamond switch. All's fair in love and ice-hockey, right?

Satan retires to Switzerland where he becomes an ad-spokesman for Bauer ice-hockey gear and also becomes a Zurich men's ice-hockey coach. When asked what he knows about Emil Kuyt's blood-diamond activities in North America, Satan replies, "Hey, all I know about modern capitalism is Treasure Island...and ice-hockey marketing."

Satan uses some of his diamond-funds to purchase a very rare and valuable double-edition of Robert Louis Stevenson's works Treasure Island and Kidnapped, and he never again calls his ex-girlfriend, who incidentally, still works at the NJ/Rutgers bank as a teller!