I Choose To Watch

A haunting reflection on emotional numbness, the poem portrays a wounded soul who, stripped of feeling by betrayal, chooses silent detachment as the ultimate form of revenge.

I don't speak because I want your empathy,

I don't write so you could offer me sympathy,

I don't cry because I want your sorry,

I do all these because I'm erasing you.

A shock, right?

Why wouldn't it be?

When all you've ever wanted me to be is

Kind and affectionate

While you left me desolate,

Eating from poisons thoughts fleshy plate,

You never expected me to be anything other than

Obedient,

Respected,

Grateful,

Joyful,

Ready to clean your s**t,

Ready to bathe your smelly body,

Ready to clean up your nasty troubles,

I had to always be on my tippy toes,

Because you know I don't like it when your anger unfolds.

But I need to invite you to this table my thoughts has set for me,

I need to let you behold the monster that you

And everyone that expected me to be all that couldn't be corrected by them and by you,

I need you to see the monster you created

I give no damn about your feelings,

I've buried mine so deep

You can contnue hitting

Hitting with tough words

Or sad tears

Or confused bullets

But if I can't feel me

Don't you think you'll be dumb

To think I'll feel you

Let's go into thoughts now

You think all you do ought to get

Caught by my attention

Well, I need to make a correction

Your aggression

Passes my mind like the air

Can't be seen or held

In this case can't be felt

Thanks to you living me with aroma of

Deadly wishes and thinking

I can't even take in your thinking

No, I can't hear you

The cries of pain,

The shout of anger,

The wails of depression,

No soft sound to lower their volumes,

Blocked out my ear lobes

You simply look like a fool,

Spitting gibberish when you talk

Cause I can't hear you

You think if you hold my hand I can feel you

I can see why you don't act like a fool

You are a fool

Do you really think

After you've battered me with your bullet-like words

Or after you tore me with your back stabbing

glitterring knife

Or after you laid weights of expectation on me daily

Or more that you and I can't stay to count

Did you really think after that 

I would still have the ability to feel?

Oh, you thought |I would taste your salty tears

and offer you empathy

Or maybe if you tore yourself with the same

bloody knife you used to tear me

I would stop you inbetween and feed you sympathy,

Darling they should change your name to foolish

Because how can you hot tongue burning words

Or your fiery attitude

Or their spicy character

Leave me with the ability to taste

Seeing is believing

You thought if I saw you broken

Then I would break 

But I've got to applaud you for both foolishness and witchery

I thought light what was blinded men

But in my case darkness did

When you weren't there

When my eye swolled up

When my heart tore up

When darkness was the only one to show up

You now think I can see you

But others say believing is seeing

I believe you believe that too

You believe all the "good" you've done

should outweigh the damaged you caused

But your parents made a mistake to give you that name

I advice you go change what's on your birth certificate to fool

Because how can you think that when my 5 senses are down but the sixth should be up

Now, behold what your foolish mind has created,

A senseless beast,

A walking dead

But, I choose not to cause harm

I choose to watch you get harmed

I choose to watch you harm yourself

And feel, see, hear, taste, perceive, think,

do nothing

This monster doesn't need to strike a bear's

blows on your face to bleed

Or pounce on you with its weight to crush you

Or roar to make you fear

All I just have to do is watch you

When you cause harm, you care

When you sit back and watch, you care

about nothing

That's the greatest harm that could be caused