Chapter1A Chapter by AchleshChapter-1 “HEY A*****E, WAKE UP” a kick from nowhere lands on fat bum of a 95 kg college dude. That’s me, Achlesh Sood, a name given courtesy, my mother, I have failed to find even a single guy in my tryst with life so far who can spell or pronounce my name right the first time. I contemplate later; granny realized this dilemma which I would be facing in future. So I was nicknamed “BONY” by Granny, which just stuck with me like a chewing gum in your hair; instantly sticky and everlasting part of my personality. Now I think in her love she must have perceived me as so underweight that she prefers to call me a midget in native language i.e. “BONA” which becomes a hinglish slang BONY. She kept overdoing her affection, feeding me more and more with every passing day resulting into a human gorilla.
“WAAAAAAAAKKKEEEEEE UUUUPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP” Half awakened by another kick, I subconsciously pull up an Orange ADIDAS PYAJAMA (costing my dad Rs 2000 after all I am STYLLIOO) to navel level as it has again slipped to the butt and look at my roommate’s face with half my eyes open. What the hell is this Mudu’s problem? Why is he acting like that? Engineering transforms the personalities of people. People from all sorts of backgrounds come together for four years in an institution during which bookworms become BUTTERFLY HUNTERS, bean pole become BULLS, magnanimous become PUSILLANIMOUS, generous become MISERS, BOOTLICKERS becomes NINE POINTERS, but the bottom line is that everybody evolves into a wild wolverine by the end of these four years. But why can’t this guy change, perhaps some things are just made like that- Stupid, stubborn b*****d. My bad luck...Better get rid of him ASAP. “Mudu… me not feeling well, stomach is hurting a lot...Must have overeaten last night….You go and attend lecture and please mark my proxy too…. Please …..” “Come on bony, enough of your Nautanki, we will get training presentation slots from today onwards.” “Dude do not disturb… Faculty will anyways give everyone either A or B Grades; and I am quite happy with a B. So let me sleep now.” “You should be awarded Mr. LAZY BONES 2007 and I bet my bottom dollar that your wife will leave you within ten days. BYEEEE” “Who cares, at least I will lose my virginity till then!!! TAAATAAA” Well, MUDU was the topper throughout his school days. Like most of dudes goofed up +1, +2 non medical and my plain bad luck that instead of studying in IIT B or D, he is stuck up with me. A skinny and brainy guy who failed miserably to build his muscles and compensated overtime by being a nine pointer and a stud most girls would chase during end semesters but as always kept to himself during those grandeur times as well. Most people doubted his sexual orientation but I feel that there is some PAST involved which he never shared with anyone. That’s my roomie Mudu (sometimes referred to as Mudu no pun intendedJ)… KANIKA (quite an eccentric girl) Every Indian shaver blow most of his time on his dream babe. Some common characteristics of her - compassionate, beautiful, 5 feet 7 inches, 36-24-36, well groomed and hefty bank balance. A gal, which any guy feels proud to term as better half of his life. Unlike many, one day in this hip hop culture going on the arcade of sector-17, Chandigarh. A chaotic, tipsy curvy run-of –the-mill girl bursts my neatly organized dreams and whole of world becomes crazy and subsequent normal chats go like… “Hey, why are you looking so distressed?” “Bony, I have no career, no future, nothing. Where will I go?” “Ya, that’s a big problem I believe then you must learn how to cook, clean then may be a guy could cope with you. You have no dressing sense, just look at your feet, nails, can’t you trim them; just pretend to be a girl instead of a tom boy; otherwise your future hubby would certainly kill himself within a week.”
“Shut up, what do you know about cleaning you idiot, scumbag…….blah blah……blah…..In case of cooking……..more blah blah…….and finally dressing sense blah blah…fed up of blah……. blah ……….blah …………..” Coming face to face with a gal like that, one wonders how I will ever have time or opportunity proposing her. When will she shut up for even 3 second or talk sense. Am I mad to love her so hopelessly? Should I reconsider about propose… nah NO CHANCE. Hi here she paused for a breath. Now is the time strike bro. “Hi Kanu I was saying that why don’t you try for a hunk, an IIM with enough money in the…. “WHAT do you mean, what the hell you are thinking??? You engineers with twisted minds and why the hell you would pay attention to a mundane career of a commerce graduate. See the airs; just because you have done well in a pathetic entrance exam like CAT doesn’t mean that you should become high headed. Remember the result is still to come so at least try to be humble and pretend that you care for your buddies till then at least.” She sighed. Man she is hurt, better be in rapid damage control mode now. “Come on, if you just give me a minute I want to share my inner most feelings, alright give me a second.”
Here it goes I have practiced it the zillion times, today is the D day. It must be flawless, Hey Ram. “Kanu, this is the most important moment of my life. Right from the start I believed that there is just one person made for you, so you just have to look for the signs. Austere signs like look in her eyes, way she blushes, her smile and way she put hair in front of her forehead behind her ears. These signs made us aware of their long lost half soul and your soul cries for reunion with that long lost one. My heart tells me that all these signs have led me somewhere, I have found the other half of my soul and she is staring towards me with her eyes full of …………..” Phew ,I forget even after months of practice what to say now, something must come up, let me utter something, no I have to complete it what would she think I can’t even propose properly, Screw all humanity, Why always boys have to do this, Oooh s**t what was it…. “I mean, I just LOVE YOU”
What a dumb end, no what a dumb propose. No wonder she is dumbstruck, why is she not responding. Come on please reply, please for heaven sake this wait is killing me. I better cut all this, say advance April fool. NO first time I am saying this better stick to it. Good she is in dilemma now, maybe she is considering me. Remain there bony, ball is in her court, she is thinking something…man already five minutes….. Hey rain is coming, First sign of divine interference like a typical Bollywood movie. Two souls are going to be united man. This is getting heavier by the second, it’s a whirlpool!!!!!!! “GET UP YOU ARE LATE...” Oh NO Mudu is here and that too WITH A MUG!! Oh NO, Dreaming again …
“Get lost, if one has friend like this who need enemies”. “You must report at H.O.D (chemical) office to register for training slots otherwise you will get a cursed C in the whole training semester. One more thing dude, CAT result has been declared, presently the server is down but you must check it after registration” “Ok I will I will I will, now will you get lost and shut the door.”
For the past three and half years ambling underneath college sun, basking in its beauty, warmth, and its hardships. Being part of its transformation, Its evolution from 4 blocks to 6 blocks all equipped with projectors, air conditioner classrooms and ever changing faculty. But the change that one get most nostalgic about is canteen, old Shambu been replaced by Sagar Ratna (S.R) recently, with 50% discount at each item, superior in quality as well as quantity, but you still miss that Shambu and you don’t know the reason why . College sun makes one like that and… “Hey bony, come here for a minute” some voice disturbed the sequence. “Ya Mohit, what’s up?? It was E.M.F viva today I believe, what are you doing here at S.R?” “Nothing…that b***h Harpreet Kaur, threw me out...Guess why?? I missed just 1 extra tutorial class.” He sighed “Hard luck dude, after all what do you expect from Electrical H.O.D.I have heard b***h husband is out of station for 3 months so she had no one to take her frustration on.” “Hey, even if she is the last b***h left in the whole world, then also I would not even give her a second look.” “No point, she anyways does not have any assets. Chill down dude, something is better than nothing; just like this veg sandwich of yours is better than my hostel lunch which I missed” grabbing and tearing it in half simultaneously. “Now I really have to go, report to my H.O.D at 1 and it is already 1.05.It is not advisable to prick at mad dogs…err...Here comes Vidyanath Tripathi, the guy who left his wife after 20 years and is wooing for Komal, the Ph.D. student, 20 years younger to her” “But I believe that he calls her his daughter, after all her husband died recently so he adopted her” Mohit countered “Dude that’s why he is H.O.D of chemical; he is master of E.S.P.S i.e. give Emotional Support take Physical Support. Now I better talk with him now regarding my training semester. Take care” Oooh he has reached his car in hurry. Better rush. “EXCUSE ME SIR” “You don’t have to SHOUT to communicate with me, I am not deaf, but students like you try to do their best” “Sorry sir, I had a meeting regarding training at…” “You must be Achlesh; I waited 15 minutes for you. Haven’t you understood the importance of punctuality even after spending approx 4 years, what examples are you setting in front of juniors? You know you will be Thapar alumni in couple of months, you have to carry this reputation around wherever you go, but you………” One of the oldest problem in professors all over the world is that they don’t miss any single opportunity to reprimand a student (their favorite time pass).The best way to tackle this situation is to imagine that only you are responsible for all the s**t in this world. Bombay blasts, 9/11, tsunamis, inflation, poverty…and as your face color changes from bad to worse, it gives them divine pleasure. “ACHLESH, are you day dreaming? Boy you still hasn’t replied to me, what is your C.G.P.A?” bad look by Vidyu gave a fair idea that this time even this master plan has failed. He has come straight at my nemesis C.G.P.A (character certificate provided by esteemed institutes formally to keep a record of student’s academic achievements in my case rather unfortunately everything is judged according to it). If you are a nine pointer then all the butterflies in college would be after you especially during end semesters. In 9 out of the 10 cases you would be having a girl friend overly committed to you and this fact would be duly mentioned with your photo in networking sites like Orkut. You would talk trash and Profs would consider it nothing less than a genius redefined. Companies coming for placements regard you as VVIP’S and would go to any extent to hire you. Opposite goes for 6 point someone who has to slog it out literally in every field, but yours’ truly belonged to a level known as UNTOUCHABLE 5. “Sir, 5.8, but I have been placed at Cognizant the fastest growing I.T company. It is giving me…” “WHAT!! You are not even first division, you have wasted 4 years, what would …….serious blah blah………..’ Here he goes. Better to cut him now. “Sir, I fully agree with you, I was an amateur at the start of my degree but now I have fully understood the importance of academics. I made few amends during my training at max labs and they were so pleased that they even sent an appreciation letter (sent by this untouchable from company’s letter pad!!!... for grading purposes but that’s classified information), and I am the only one in our entire batch to get a Pre placement offer (again a lie, Untouchables must keep inventing stuff to survive).” “Oh really, that’s Impressive. I would myself like to attend your presentation. Let’s say make it at nine a.m. and you must submit report with it. Now I really have to go. See you tomorrow and all the best.” Here goes the play boy in his late seventies on his car. This is a s****y day. Why did I open my mouth so much??? How would I justify a P.P.O (which I never got!!)??? Even forget it. How would I arrange for the report??? Walia’s girlfriend has done her training at max also. May be she can provide some help. She now works at Career Launcher (CL) Delhi. CL, Chandigarh must be having the number of Delhi centre. “Hello, CL how may I help you sir,” a soothing female voice answered from the other side.” “Ya, could you please give me the number of CL Delhi”. “Sure sir, it is 01122675471.But sir it would be busy as C.A.T result has been declared today.” “Ok I will try anyways thanks.” Ooh, C.A.T result is out today. CAT (Common Admission Test), one of the toughest entrance exams in the world is conducted in two phases. First phase consists of written exam of 2.5 hours, comprising of three sections Maths (Quantitative Aptitude), English (Verbal Reasoning) and Logical Reasoning (Data Interpretation). It requires net percentile above ninety nine and a good percentile in each section otherwise you lost the tag of IIMs. If you survive this phase, comes the second phase- Group discussion (GD) and Personal Interview (PI) where the shortlisted candidates are judged and no amount of training helps you in this endeavor, you are all alone, truly naked in front of the esteemed panel who try their best to makes you more ashamed of yourself. But first the written phase whose result is already out today and based on it, IIM’s would be releasing their shortlisted candidates. IIM (Indian institute of management), the most prestigious tag one hopes to carry in management field in India. The lifelong tag after two years of management course guarantees package of at least Rs13 lakh, beautiful wife, and a hell lot of social status. In short, life full of life. There are six IIM’s spreads across India at Ahmadabad, Bangalore, Calcutta, Lucknow, Kozhikode and Indore. ABCLKI is the general order among these elite ones; and score of 140 in CAT based on CL key; no one can stop me from getting shortlisted in A. F**k chemical engineering. I AM IIM A. YOOOOHHHHOOOOOO… HOSTEL A: Mess 11:30 pm “You knowp Sukhodeep goot a caal from S.P. Jain, he is a frosher mon how cuom?” stuffing the mess food ravenously is a wonder named Neel. “Dude first eat properly, then talk. For your kind information he is having 3 months work experience at CL as a faculty, but basically going by his name, he sucks-deep so there you go. Everything is fair in this s****y kind of exam and who knows whether he is lying or not, he wants to remain in publicity.” I retaliated confidently. “Nope dude, I have seen the list at S.P, I came to know C.L gave him work ex of 1.5 years, as he organized some presentations and got some of his friends enrolled at CL. This is VILLAINOUSNESS at its worst.” replied an inflamed Neel.
“Better take a chill pill. You can’t do anything and anyways management colleges like S.P Jain gives lots of calls just to show how competitive is their selection procedure; anyways I am any day better than these local university b******s, I am aiming for only IIM s”. Blessed with ignorance, you tend to ignore lesser mortals who fail in just one test and are dubbed as sub standard. “Whatever bony, but I surely appreciate your guts man. Applied to IIMs only. No fear. No back up options. You did not sit for any core company; I wish I had even half of your guts.” A note of appreciation clearly reflected. “I live life Bond like, Do or Die; it’s all in the mind I wonder when the server will be right .I did not get a chance to check CAT result today. Whole day got screwed in arranging training report. Don’t you wish for broad-band at such crucial times? Oh I have got a call, catch you later.” Why Anurag is calling this time? What bloody important message he has to deliver at this hour? Little did I know that midnight call will change the course of my life.
Acknowledgements Thanks to all the patient people who reached here reading all the above seven pages and for the rest who just scrolled down the pdf; don’t you think you wasted precious time opening it in the first place? To cut the wrong story short, just wanted to share my views so wrote a novel. PLAIN AND SIMPLE. There are a million reasons I know why I should not write a novel, but the single reason I still wrote is THE PASSION OR THE FIGHT which one must have in the journey called life; because all of us will eventually reach the end destination – DEATH. So destination should not be the concern, but whether one have enjoyed the journey or not is the most important matter. This is my attempt to make my journey beautiful. I have written the complete draft of “CAT KILL DOGS”. But first I really really really want to know your opinion about this chapter. So please fill the following survey, it’s just three questions. .. I will be extremely obliged by this gesture of yours. At this moment I don’t know whether it will be published or not, but I will DEFINITELY FIGHT for it. If published it will be my tribute to struggles of millions of those people who the world terms as “LOSERS.” Cheers, Achlesh Sood.
P.S. If you want to share any comments, ideas or abuses about C.K.D feel free to do so on ”Cat Kill Dogs” community on Orkut.
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