Deceived

My sinking horizon

Collapsed on the ground,

When the light of your sun

Slowly burned me down

To black, wispy ashes

That dance in the wind,

Trying to find

Their way back again.

Tell me why you broke,

Beneath my delicate hands,

I wasn’t strong enough,

I don’t understand

 

Dark, dismal corners,

In my mind filled with shadows,

You took everything in me,

That used to have a glow.

Slide your hands,

Slowly down my face,

Wipe off my tears,

My shining eyes you trace,

With your deceiving whispers,

Telling me to stay,

When all you wanted,

Was to take me away.

 

Paint me a picture,

When I saw right through,

All your lies and deceit,

When I actually had a clue.

You scarred me then left me,

So scared and unable,

You pushed me down,

My soul is in shambles.

 

Desperately you followed me,

when I left you behind,

In the darkness you created,

In the back of my mind.

I gave you my heart,

Then I was your slave,

You threw me in the ocean,

I died in the waves.

 

Author's Note

This is mostly a double sided poem, with two different viewpoints from one person. I think it's lacking some fluidity....

Reviews

[Raymond]

First: You're being too hard in your note. The poem was great. I had several "fav" lines here: Black whispy ashes...I'll be your ghost...well on and on. I only came here cuz I saw a review you did that killed me...then I read your profile which was genius...and now I find a great poem...ok, gonna go read more...hey your 14 hours ahead of me, can you tell me what happens tomorrow? Thanks LOL

[marielondon]

This flows so perfectly and holds within it such strong emotions. I love it as always

[Holly M. May]

I have to disagree with your note. It was absolutely beautiful! =D
I could feel the emotion and see it all play out. I loved the way it seemed like the main character was trying to make some sort of justice of what the other did, because it really shows the psychology of the character and what place the individual is in. The entire poem was nice and silky, so there is definately fluidness to your poem. =3
This poem = love

[~Blue Fantasy~]

Beautiful poem! I loved it and to me it is not lacking anything!!

[Kenneth The Poet]

It's fluid enough for me. Nice work, the last lines (the last stanza even) speaking volumes and flow easily.

[Cheng Yew,Chew]

Something is ebbing the author's movement ^^-doubt

[Enigma]

No it doesn't. I think its an amazing piece. Loved it!

[Sarah E. Pearson]

This poem is AMAZING. It was fluid, it was poetic genius. Truly. I love the "You threw me to the ocean, I died in the waves" lines at the end; they leave you with a quiet, eerie feel and...i dont know..its just honestly a great, great poem.

[nicolo]

The first part reminded me of the poem I wrote.

This is one of the best I've read. The first part created such intense imagery. I still have it in my thoughts. I have a tornado of ashes. Superb, I say.

The flow in the middle to last part makes me think of a slave. So helpless that it annoys me and makes me angry. It not everytime that I have this much emotions when I do a review. VERY GREAT WRITE :)

[Lily Mae]

I think it's done beautifully.. :) xo

[Akoka Folami]

You have many extremely interesting perspectives on one idea. Truly lovely :D