The Assassination of Senator Vicus

Very montey python-esq I've been told Try reading it out loud as opposed to in your head, makes the dialogue more netural becuase it is supposed to be a skit not a novel.

Setting:  Senator Vicuses home in Rome.  It is a large palatious building, with all the guilding and finery of typical Roman excess during the time period (200 A.D.).  Some time around midnight.                   

Assassin: (The Assassin stalks into the house up the stairs and into a large room in total darkness.  He hides behind a chair, then; looking out both ways, he slithers toward the nearest cover.  Suddenly, a lamp is lit in the corner.  The assassin, startled, hides his knife behind his back.)

Vicus:(Vicus is seen sitting at a desk begining to write a letter of some sort.)  Who's that then?

Assassin:...Post-man.

Vicus:Right...what news do you bring?

Assassin:(He narrows his eyes) Only your own obituary! (the assassin then lunges toward the senator ready to strike.)

Vicus:(stands) Brilliant!  Will it be by the oh so shakespearean use of poison or the allways dramatic knife wound to the gullet?

Assassin:(staops his attack)  What?  You, um, want to die?

Vicus: Yes, actually I was in the processas you arrived ( a noose and chair are revealed by lights to the side.)  But that's not necessary anymore, you'll do just fine.  Well?  What are you waiting for?

Assassin: Well,I'm...I'm assessing the validity of my mission.  I mean you clearly have things covered here so I'll just be going then, right.

Vicus:No, no-I insist!  It's all your's.  Here, we can stage it like I killed myself!

Assassin: Why don't you just kill yourself then?!

Vicus: Well that was rather rude...

Assassin: Oh yes, heaven forbid a rude assassin...

Vicus: I'm not sure I like your attitude.

Assassin:(gesturing) Look, you've already written a note, don't let me get in your way.

Vicus: Actually about the note, I can't bare to tell my family that way.  I'd rather tell them in person, in fact...(vicus cups his hands and calls through a door way.) Honey! Kids!

Vicuses Wife: Yes dear?

Assassin: Oh don't...why would you...(cups his hand over his face)

Vicuses eldest son: Who's that?

Vicus: Oh, he's an assassin. ( assassin making 'cut-it-out' gestures to try and stop him)

Assassin: Look...

Vicuses Wife: Shall we call the guards?

Vicus: Well...

Vicuses Wife: Guards!  There is an assassin!

Assassin: Oh, no, really, there's no need...

Vicus: Actually I was going to...

Assassin: He was already going to kill himself anyways, so I'm out of the job, okay!?  So techniquely we can all agree that I'm not really an assassin currently per-say.

Vicus: You cut me off!

Assassin: (Rolling his eyes at Vicus) I really need to go, okay, so I'll just be leaving then.

Vicuses Wife: Certainly not!

Vicus: Certainly! (looks at his wife) Not...

Assassin: Alright, I'm tired of this (slits vicuses throat) Bye then...

Vicuses Wife: You killed him!

Assassin: I'm an assassin! I kill people! It's what I do! (picking up a piece of furniture to smash a window)  Besides he wanted to go.

Vicus: (wheezing) He's got a good point...

Vicuses Wife: Oh thank the gods you're alive!

Vicus:...

Vicuses Wife: (looks for the assassin but all she sees is a broken window)  Kind of makes me wish life insurance had been invented by now...

Author's Note

I know there are a few things missing (guards never come, a few grammatical mistakes, etc...) but I'm planning on adding to this some more. I definately want to know what you think of this one though.

Reviews

[Scott Free]

Ha ha this is very good! Very monty python-esque, in fact I saw Graham Chapman as Vicus and John Cleese as the Assassin! So good!
Alright, if you're still planning on bringing in the guards, I'd have them come in and move for the assassin, then Vicus says something along the lines of 'No, wait--don't kill him, he was going to kill me and if you kill him I'll have to do it myself.'
Also--when you have Vicus call for his family, I'd just have his wife and maybe a servant come in--otherwise there's too many one-line or no-line characters.
I liked this so much--perhaps you could make more at the beginning? Maybe have a scene where the assassin is given his orders?
Three thumbs up!

~S

[Jimmy Greenie]

Hahahahah! Really really funny! Congrats! It is a bit python-esque. Maybe you should make a tv programme.
I'm gonna start a podcast in June. maybe I can record it for you and add it to the feed?

[John Morris]

lol, i really enjoyed it I thought what on Earth for a few seconds after I started reading it but this is very good and very funny

[lunatic.]

Funny!

I imagined Vicus as a bumbling yet poised Vicus, awaiting a death in hilarity.
I really enjoyed reading this! I await to see it as a short play

Hope to read more!

"Only your own obituary!" my favorite line.
Very witty and an incredibly fun read.
Haha, and yes, very Monty-Python-ish.
Brilliant! I'm adding this to my favorites.