Bleak Second

Passing thought. Wondering. Few lines

He's bright as the moon,
but sad as the cold night air;
If only she's there

Reviews

[Eugenius]

This is a good example of when less is better. It has immediate appeal to my senses and my feelings, the moon, the cold air, mixed with a sense of loss. However, I feel you could explore it metaphorically more than you have done. Particularly "bright as the moon" which is a line that appears over and over in literature. An original metaphor would clinch it. Also, the third line seems a little constricted. I'd forget about the rhyme and perhaps incorporate another metaphor. Very nice!

[papermush08]

Oh thank you very much! You're probably the first who reviewed this with much sincerity. I love it when there's a little correction, it's nice to learn. Well right I am aware of the cliche use here, I'm always a sucker for metaphor and decided to slow down with it first haha besides the word "second" in the title indicates that I was just having a quick thinking. Anyway,I appreciate your words so much!
Love, N