"10-19-2019..." - The Cafe, Life As We Live It - Series

A morning's thought flow.

“10-19-2019…” - Café Series, Life As We Live It.

 

     I’ve been up a few, wandering a bit …listening, pausing, thinking - is what I’ld call it …now, but passing time was what it was/is overall.  I was giving some thought on being me…  Then I thought …well… what about being you?  There are a lot more you’s than me’s out here.  Then it touched me that there are really a lot more me’s that ARE the you’s …out here.  And the same thoughts felt relevant to the flow.  And then I started “reaching” for the words I had behind my eyes …words I had inside - the right words, real …words… but suddenly I didn’t anymore.  The thoughts flowed so swiftly, so deeply, sooo hurt-fully AND I couldn’t keep up AND anger and sadness filled me.  And I was frustrated because I couldn’t TOUCH the last word that was just THERE and fit my understanding and NEED so well!  Yeah, seems there IS a lot of THAT too - going around isn’t there?

 

     You ever do that - take a bit of a now and just think what It’s like (or means) being you?  And I don’t mean about how OTHERS just(?) see you B U T about how others actually DO treat/respond to/interact with/and I guess yeah - how others see YOU after all, at a given or any perceived moment.  Ouch huh?  Yeah, a lot of bite in THAT one - for even the wary.  And the slights - weren’t just perceived were they?  Nah, they were/ARE …REAL in every sense of meaning to THAT word.  Small, petty, all-out-of-proportion - to what though?  What the hell did I/we do to rain on THEIR parade?? …ever?  Nothing - actually (at least most times).  I didn’t matter to them, not really and likely not ever (depending on time, circumstance, and especially personally) …they mattered to themselves (which is fair ‘cause we ALL matter at least sometimes to ourselves).  Self importance is quite real isn’t it?  Being oblivious isn’t the same as being a “ghost” - cause being a ghost is a personal choice that may be obviated by personal circumstance and/or need, and yet is especially a personal choice.  Being oblivious too someone is THEIR choice about how they “view” (the whole host of meanings) you/me.

 

     And ever notice how getting “attention” is not the same to seemingly “most” people?  …even parents? …especially children/kids (age dependent that one).  Age being that of the one wanting attention and what that person perceives the intended “victim’s” age certifies them to be - child OR kid.  And there are personal and professional slights and some actually achieve both types simultaneously!  Ouch again!  Axes-being-ground are sooo common - and the reasonings needn’t be personal or real or even true (sigh - perceptions, even just an opinion) or anything more than a desire to make someone else “seen” (think 15 minutes of FAME moments).

 

     Sometimes I fool myself about all the slaps I get and have gotten, BUT …so very, very few were earned by my own intention or from any mean or mean-spiritednesses.  I’m NOT a saint - but I am a somewhat caring sinner, if you understand.  Hell, I’ve been clueless socially for near my entire life - and (quite for real) so many others have told me THAT as well - so it isn’t just me.  I didn’t even know how to BUY a clue way back when - and there was head-shaking and laughter and fingers-pointing - but that was just life to me …just “it is what it is” …to me.

 

     I guess we are unique - all the you’s , while they ARE I’s - aren’t me’s (or at least I am not all the you’s out here).  My paths have intersected so very many and my life has been “touched” upon by so very many more.  And I listened along my way.  I shared and helped when and what and as I could …as only I could.

 

My life has been a Poem.

And I’ve spoken aloud

…and stood

…and shared

…and listened

…walked my talk

and been …real.

 

I’ve paused to hold hands -

share paths and passings,

knelt and even prayed at moments that mattered…

and made choices

…and lived with and within their afters.

 

I’ve wondered the world.

Walked places of “Dreams”.

Touched the face of God

…and shared the tears.

 

I remember so many

that I’ll be missed by so few.

And I’ll live on within the “silence”

of Windows Glass.

 

Chris

Author's Note

feel free

Reviews

[Linda Marie Van Tassell]

I think we all feel unheard and this stings a bit too personally for me. Just a couple of days ago, a former co-worker expressed her anger over my distance from her, both in not keeping in touch or coming to visit. It hurt, but she was right. She has every right to feel the way that she does. I have always been that kind of "friend." Because I was always a burden to my mother, I have made it a point to not be a burden to others. So, I have a tendency to pull away whenever I'm going though difficult times. I don't want my worries to trouble anyone else. I have always walked alone, never wanting to rely on others. More than that, I have never been a "needy" type of friend. I do things randomly and spontaneously, not as a means to just do this or that because. I do it with meaning and heart. Most people are not like me and I don't think they understand me. I have always said that I was a bad friend because I don't feel the need to cling, to constantly keep in touch, or to busy my way into someone else's business. In this particular instance, I don't want my life to be cannon fodder for people who truly don't care but rather are just seeking to gossip and put someone down. Not that the person mentioned is this way, but when the conversation enters the atmosphere, it often turns ugly. I am hard enough on myself and don't care to create judgement by others, which happens nonetheless. I feel you and hear you and see you. I feel every thread of this write. When one feels unheard, it hurts. Just know that it's not always intentional.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

you will be missed by many more than a few....lots of me's and you's by the slew.

loved that line "touched the face of God"
and the texture?

and yes, the astute line...
"made choices and lived with and within their afters"
i wish i had written that line....i would have really liked to live with the afters of that.
j.

[Chris]

The texture?... a Parent's cheek - with all THAT implies.

[sL]

I like the intentional look at yous and mes & Is. I love the reference to making choices and living with the “afters.” Very thoughtful poem.

[J.J. NIGHTINGALE]

.. many a heart will hold the memory of you
you have touched my life, lightened my burden
held my hand, and listened to my rambling words..
Someone said we are a part of all we have met
and I think that is so very true !
I understand about the slaps .. I think most of
us have been outright knocked down, and even
dragged down bumpy heartless roads......

Dear Chris, I see you,, in all the ways you have allowed
You have been, and are REAL !
So please don't fade into the ever loved sunset, you mention
often..

It is difficult for me to leave comments nowadays
but I felt I couldn't let THIS one go without commenting.

Take Care of YOU, stay warm........You are loved.

Me.

[Chris]

It is good to see you Jazz... Is New Mexico chilling down yet?

[J.J. NIGHTINGALE]

Actually . it is 68* as I type, been out doing yard work..Early morning is cool/cold..lol.. it cools quick around 5PM.. and the nights are 40* or less...