Over-achieving

A huge thank you to Woody who helped me out with the dialogue. :) http://www.writerscafe.org/Engluva <-----------Check his writing too. THANKS WOODY!!!

He winked at me from across the bar.

I quickly looked away but I couldn't stop a tiny smile from twitching the corners of my lips.

He was everything a girl could ever want. Easily six foot four, tanned, toned, easy smile, nicely dressed.

I watched from the corner of my eye, as he got up and walked over.

"Hey, I haven't seen you before." He said.

I blushed and lowered my eyes. I shouldn't have. I knew that would turn him on but I couldn't help it. It was my character. It was also my character to bite my lower lip and reply with a smile that would drive him crazy.

“It’s my first time here,” I said, tracing circles around the rim of my glass with my ring finger.

“Can I join you? Oh, sorry, my name’s Jim Cruise. No relation to the actor Jim Carrey.”

“Jim…,” I started then burst out laughing. “That’s a good one.”

“You know what they say, make a girl laugh and she’s half won.”

I blushed gently and fingered my necklace.

“Can I top up your drink?” Jim asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Man! Pull yourself together - this isn't meant to happen" I thought. “No, thanks." I replied."I must tell you, I’m waiting for my friend. He should be here any minute.”

His shoulders sagged."Can I at least ask your name?"

"Of course," I said, boldly looking into his brown eyes. "My name's Alex."

"Nice. Alex, hopefully we'll see you around here again sometime. Nice meeting you!"

With that, he turned around and left. 

I watched him walk away. With a sigh, I went back to sipping my drink. My wife was right. I'd done way too well with the costume tonight.

 

 

 

Author's Note

Appreciate ANY Feedback! :)

Reviews

[Jacob Clifford]

YES! I love that twist! This whole story is great, especially the subtle body language. I could picture the scene and get a feel for what the characters are thinking. The narrator having a unisex name is brilliant, and it adds to that final twist. In hindsight, the narrator's actions all have different meanings. Instead of being a hesitant but excited woman, he's an over-achieving man finding humor in deceiving someone with his costume, yet realizes he shouldn't be toying with someone like how he is. I just love everything about this story.

The one suggestion I have is to put the narrator's thoughts in italics, or inside of one quote ' instead of two ". I initially thought Alex was speaking out loud and only realized afterward it was a thought.

[Shannon]

Oh, wow what a giggle this one is. I can't help but wonder how he ended up playing this character. Lost bet? Some sort of game?
Cute and really well done!

[Stan Lee]

Probably just a cross-dresser. Not at all uncommon in certain neighborhoods. I'm glad you got a giggle out of it. :) Thanks for reading and reviewing.

[PaintedBirdy]

hilarious!! i like all the details about what the narrator does at each moment. great set-up for the ending too! you did too good with the writing because i thought the narrator was a girl too.

[Stan Lee]

Thanks a lot for reviewing. :) Glad you liked it. Did you think the ending was too kinky? Do you have any suggestions on how to make it better.? Taylor suggested 'halloween at the bar' ... I'm still trying to work on this one in my head...

[PaintedBirdy]

i wouldn't change a thing. honestly, i wouldn't. if you forced me though (smile), i'd say maybe take out small contextual cues like "jim carrey" and the expression "top up" because - as a reader - i could interpret this scene to be in (just guessing) Canada, where it may be considered "kinky" to observe this at a bar. i don't know, haha. i think the story is good and effective exactly how it's written. i only mention the contextual cues because i want to be helpful and had to think of something.

[Taylor]

This is well done, as usual. I of course was not expecting the ending. I wonder if somewhere there could be a framing that would give a context for a costume. Otherwise, it feels a bit kinky for the guy to be in drag. So was it Halloween at the bar?

[Stan Lee]

There is actually a tiny little bit of framing... Alex makes reference to his "character" (essentially hinting that he is out-of-character). He also refers to himself as a man. "Man!"
Having said that, I do agree there could be more and I value your suggestion. Thanks for reading and reviewing Taylor. Much appreciated. :)

[Woody]

my pleasure entirely, Andronicus. a minor contribution really.
no long-winded tales wth you. short but sweet.
the ending is an absolute kicker :)

[Stan Lee]

That probably has to do with me being to lazy more than anything else but I'm super happy that you like the ending. Many thanks to you Woody. :)

[Woody]

you're welcome, Dear :)))))