Brother Mine

This is a short story of about 800 words. It's about a very disturbed man writing a letter to his older brother. The story has a slight twist at the end.

Ah brother, how you never fail to blow my mind - in a bad way of course. Although, out of the two of us, most people would say that I am the more mischievous one and might I add, the more clever one too, you never cease to surprise me.

 Remember when I was six and you were eight? I purposely fell down and when you came to help me up, I stabbed you with a sharpened crayon. You didn't bleed but you did scream. Mother confiscated my crayons for three whole months.

 And then three years later, we had that super intense sword fight with steel rulers and I cut you. For the record, that actually was by accident but I was happy nonetheless.

 And when I was sixteen and you were ready for college, I secretly put a few tiny bits of glass in your razor. I bet your girlfriend didn't kiss that bloody face the next day.

You were always the wise big brother while I remained your shadow for all these years - the stupid younger brother or even better still, 'the other one'.

No matter how many times I purposely tried to hurt you and the numerable times I succeeded, I still love you. Never forget that. I tried so much to be different than you for all these years. Changing my clothing style, changing my voice, dying my hair, not following in your footsteps but doing something completely differently in life that even surprised me and succeeding at it.

So, when I led you to the highlands one last time, I was equally shocked as you were. We went to the hills beside that river to that tree where we always had so much fun through the years. Where I tricked you and you kept falling for them every single time. I now sometimes wonder if you at times fell for my tricks on purpose just to see me happy. No matter how much I annoyed you, you were always there for me. Whenever I felt sad, did something wrong (again) or went completely out of control because of my rage, you talked to me with your annoyingly soothing voice of yours. The number of our little chats we had under this tree. It was like our little sacred temple. A place I always wanted to destroy for some reason...

Normally, it was you who did the talking. This time however, I did. I told you about the life I was leading, the girl I fancied, the troubles I had to endure, the good and the bad people I had met. However, if there is one thing I have learned in all my life, it is that there are no good or bad people. I told you everything that happened in the past fifteen years without you. I even told you what people think of me. I've had quite an extensive list of adjectives with both flattering compliments and insults. The most recent one however was 'insane'. Not the Coll, modern version of insane that the edgy kids use today but the bold-fashioned one. The bad one. I was flattered. I never feel sad anymore. I never feel angry anymore. I never feel anything.

So I'm sorry I wasn't shocked when that blade pierced your heart. I'm sorry I didn't shout out your name when you fell to the ground. I'm sorry I didn't fall to my knees beside you. I'm sorry I didn't weep when your eyes were no longer jolly and bright but cold and lifeless as you stared blankly at the stars. I'm sorry I left you without saying goodbye. I'm sorry I didn't come to the funeral. Now, here I stand before your magnificent gravestone with this letter in one hand and a gun in the other and I'm sorry. I'm sorry for finally succeeding. I'm sorry for winning in the sword-fight but I will make sure, I pay the price.

   Oh brother, what have I done?

Author's Note

This is only a first draft. I would really like some feedback on the plot of the story. I've noticed that this style of writing is fairly uncommon and so I'd really appreciate reviews and ratings so that I can move further ahead with this. Thanks.

Reviews

[Agyani]

Hello Ann
I don't know about the style of writing, but the plot is rather uncommon. Not only is the plot really different from what one might read usually, but you have also presented it well. I don't know what mental illness the protagonist of the story had, but I'm sure his act of killing his brother despite loving him was a result of that.
There are a couple of things which I think you can work on.
The first is that you could maybe show his emotions. As of now, the protagonist's voice feels emotionless and mechanical. I don't know if that's how you intended it to be due to his mental disorder, but it doesn't quite feel right. Like when he is talking about being happy he won the sword fight despite not meaning to, or how he surprised himself many times by choosing a path and succeeding in it....you could show some emotion in the voice. Add a few exclamation marks or something, you know?
The second is that you could make the story a bit clearer, or I should rather say gripping. The plot sure is of the sort that could make it impossible for the reader to stop reading, so you could perhaps add a bit more detail about his life and maybe add a few more of his deeds, or misdeeds, whichever way you wish. One thing you should definitely expand upon, I feel, is the ending.

I would love to read more of your stuff. This really was quite a read. :)

[Ann]

Thanks so much for your feedback. Now I can really work on this to make much better. Thanks!

[Alan Scott]

Definitely a surprise, at the ending! I liked how you played on the whole seemingly innocent sibling rivalry thing leading up to it. I guess I would probably add a few more short anecdotes from adulthood about the two. Like, maybe, he used manipulative tactics to stay in contact with him?