The Fight

The fight to escape the darkness

Alone against the world, 

darkened by despair,

trying hard to live,

though all you need is air.

The oxygen is abundant;

the good days you have are not;

young blood courses through your veins,

yet your heart continues to rot.

Trapped in your own mind:

a cold, damp cell,

not being able to escape;

felling like you're in hell.

No one can comfort you,

no matter how hard they try,

you feel useless; empty,

so much so you almost wish to die.

But do not give up your hope,

it will lead you through the night,

help you to stand and be bold,

as you begin to bravely fight.

Author's Note

I would really like advice on word choice within this poem. There are some instances (such as the line "The oxygen is abundant;") where I am not sure if the word choice fits. Also, I am not sure if I should continue the poem, or is it fine where it ends now? Let me know, thank you for reading and please leave a review. (*Note: I do not own the photo*)

Reviews

[Decanter Red]

I cannot find any other better word than abundant in my mind, unless you consult the thesaurus...

This is an interesting piece. I don't think there is much you need to change- it is good just as it is. If you like, adding more imagery can make the poem even more alive. Make the description more tangible and physical, like describing 'tearing at the vines etc etc' might help. But its my personal opinion only...so yeah. :)

There should be more potential in this, if you can manage to make it longer without sounding repetitive :) good luck.

[Anthony C.]

Thank you, both for the advice and the review!

[Decanter Red]

You're welcome.

[Jade Mayhew]

This was an empowering poem, the likes of which I have never read before. Thank you so much for submitting it in my contest, and congratulations on winning a spot! A very well written piece; I look forward to reading more from you in the future!

[Anthony C.]

Thank you!

[Joshua Hunter]

I love this exactly the way it is. I find too many poems are too long and drawn out and lose their meaning after a while. But this is just perfect and I love the start where it is depressing then in the end it rises to hope, what a great piece of work!

[Anthony C.]

Thank you! And yes I was hesitant to continue the poem because of the possibility that it would lose it's meaning. Thank you.

[Girl Friday (Sarah W.)]

I quite liked the feel of this piece; the way that you have shown the distinction between loss and hope. It is a very thin line indeed, and I think metaphorically, you have shown us something quite significant.

You asked about word choice...i only see a few areas i would work on:

"trying hard to live" -- "trying hard" seems not to do the line justice, perhaps "struggling" or "laboring to live" for a little alliteration.

"The oxygen is abundant"--this line does throw me a little...perhaps "The stifling air is abundant" because you go on to talk about "not having many good days"...

Just some thoughts...overall, though, i think this was done pretty well.

[Anthony C.]

Thank you so much for the suggestions on word choice, I really got stuck thinking of a replacement. Thank you!

[Katiya K]

Hello! I quite liked the word choice "abundant" I think it fights. The audience understands what you are trying to say. You could actually use any thing like bountiful, endless, etc. My favorite is the second stanza. Great imagery. My heart jumped a little there; it's quite sad. I like the poem the way it is. It has a very good message and I liked the essence of hope in almost every line. Keep up the good work!

[Anthony C.]

Thank you!