It's undecided

Basically this is a blurb from the book I'm writing right now. I still haven't decided on a title yet, I just wanted to get some feedback on wether this is something people would read or not. . .

"Come with me," he pleaded.

"Patrick, everything will be ok tomorrow. You just need some sleep and you and your mom need to sit and talk. She loves you, Patrick. I know she does. She is an adult, yes, but that doesn't mean she's not human. She's lonely. You've got to understand that."

"Are you coming with me or not, Cayla?" he asked. I shook my head in frustration. I was tired and he wasn't being rational.

"No. I'm not. I'm tired and you are, too. Go home and get some sleep. I'll see you tomorrow. We have to go shopping for school supplies. I love you. Now go get some sleep."

 

Patrick's shoulders were slumped in defeat. His blue eyes, usually so shiny, looked dull and cloudy.

 

He just needs rest, I thought to myself.

 

"Maybe you're right, Cayla, but I just don't want to go home. I'll see you tomorrow. I love you."

He hugged me tightly and kissed my cheek. He turned and walked out the door, Fedora tilted on his head. Messenger bag slung over his shoulder. One bow on his shoe, bigger than the other.

 

That is my last memory of Patrick, alive . . .

Author's Note

Igonore any grammatical errors, this is in its rough draft stage. . .

Reviews

[Avinash]

It was able to raise interest. You can work on making the conversations more involving for the readers.
Over all it sounds like a good prologue.

[Mason Red]

If this is going to be the prologue of you book, I would continue reading really. The last sentence leaves you asking, and I personally didn't see that one coming. I have to agree with some other reviews on here though, that I also got a little bit lost in the dialog. I think it's because the sides aren't set. Like, people are talking, and it's instantly pretty complex (more long sentences), but you don't know exactly who and where. Nonetheless, I think it was a good read, you got your hook right, because I want to know more. Cheers.

[♥ Ari Skye ♥]

Thank you. I was considering using it as an prolouge of sorts.. I'm not sure yet.. I just really wanted to see if people would read my other writings and not just my poetry...
But thank you kindly for the review!

[Chris]

It's readable but the storyline needs outlining and fleshing out.

[Aaron Jinks]

It looks really good. What kind of book will it be?

[♥ Ari Skye ♥]

Oh It's a Tenn/Young Adult book. About a girl who's become bored with her life, she meets a new boy one summer, falls in love and see life can be different. He ends up dying.. Sad sappy stuff. Lol

[Aaron Jinks]

Oh. I like it, I love sappy stuff lol. I am big into romance big time though. This book I am writing will have a great amount of romance in it lol.

[♥ Ari Skye ♥]

I love romance, too. That's probably the genre I will write the most. Romnace/erotica. I already have one novella completely written, but I'm not sure if I want to put it on here. It's not that good.. lol

[♥ Ari Skye ♥]

Forgive my typos.. Lol. Sometimes I get carried away and type to fast.

[Aaron Jinks]

It's al good. I have a couple typos in my writing too lol.

[♥ Ari Skye ♥]

Lol. Sometimes I type so fast I hit like a bunch load of keys and then forget to go back and double check. LOL! So what have you been up to?

[Aaron Jinks]

Writing lol. i was reading. I'm glad I have a serious love for reading because it makes writing a bit easier lol. What about you?

[♥ Ari Skye ♥]

Yeah. I agree. If you love to read, then obviously words and their meanings come easy to you. therefore it makes it a tad easier to sit and write something out.. At least that's what I think

[Aaron Jinks]

Yeah. Do you read often?

[The StoryTeller]

It seems good in description and feeling, although I'm a bit lost at some parts like when they're talking about his mum. But it does kind of pull you in, you just in my opinion need to give a little more detail. I find that's a fine craft. Too little and they are curious, but quickly lost interest. Too much, and they feel like they know everything. It's like picking a lock, you have to find the sweet spot. Just enough to catch their interest and give them a tiny bit of background but little enough to make them have to read more if they want to know more. I know that was probably a run on sentence, but I really don't care. :p

[♥ Ari Skye ♥]

Thanks Blade. Yeah I didn't really leave a history because I don't want to give to much away, as I am planning to get this book published. Basically, I just wanted to know if the flow and description was ok. My 13 year old sister read this and was hooked, My 15 year old sister has read every page I have written so far and she keeps bugging me to finish it. Lol So I just wanted to see if people outside my family would be interested...

[The StoryTeller]

I'm interested, and yeah, flow is good as is description, which is pretty good. And that makes sense, I was just saying if you plan to continue to post for us here on writerscafe about it. ;p

[Captain Rilen]

Speaking in terms of the flow, sound and description, definitely. Despite this, I think it may be a little too ambiguous for a blurb, just as I don't really understand much of what it will be about. Or maybe I do know enough, I'm not really sure. In short, moments of it are eye catching and others are confusing (rely too much on prior knowledge). That said I think it would still hold its own as a blurb.

[♥ Ari Skye ♥]

Thanks for the feedback. I kind of expected people to be a little confused since I didn't really leave a history. What i really wanted was to see if the flow and description were enough to make people want to read...

[AaronFreitas]

I like it :) I enjoy the detail and descriptions you use to give the reader a visual of the scene. Keep up the good work

[♥ Ari Skye ♥]

Thank you. I'm trying to get it finished. This will be my first novel. I'm going to get it published on Amazon... I'll give you the link when it's done and ready...
Do you have any suggestions for a title?

[King-Isah]

really calls the reader to wanting to read more
it good for a blurb