Should have been there

A Poem by Ashley Croft

Dear former close friend,
You were supposed to be there
A concert, my dad went
A trip, a big trip,
I was alone. It was paid for.
I cried that you weren't there the entire week
Let down again
I loved you
7 years I listened and begged for you to move forward
I thought something finally gave
I poured my heart out
Left no secret untold
She came back.
A knife in my gut.
That moment I started to spiral
What was real?
I cried at our friends wedding
He said I wasn't supportive
Who was supporting me?
I cried longing for us because damn it 13 years was far too long.
They were just a year,
Was there ever going to be action?
But don't worry I'm the a*s
Jealous
Angry.
How could I do what I did?
I was hassled after my closest person removed themself in the middle of the night with one text.
Me I was the problem
I'm always the problem
I'm still the problem
But no not a one of anyone else did wrong
They all cared right?
Did a single one ask if I was okay?
How could I not
Hurt, lost, left dangling for a carrot promised but when?
I didn't need fought for but I needed something
Stronger than words.
I was pushed not by a person
But by lie and let down
After lie and let down
I learned some screwed up stuff after you left
Leaving me feeling dirtier.
Yet somehow
Lord knows how I sure don't
I still miss you.
Every bit of big news I want to share with you and
Tear up because I can't.
All I have left of your existence is a few pictures
And a phone number I dare not use.
That concert you missed
I'm going again meeting the band
But with someone who hasn't heard them before.
Where they ask how could you I ask the same.
Expectations that were set were not fair for the situation.
One of us was married
One was not even in a relationship.
Expected to wait till the other moved.
Nothing was ever going to change.
And is hasn't changed has it?