Night Sky

What I would feel when I walk at nighttime.

I walk, and I stumble, I walk, but I see
I see the dark arrows swift pass me with their gleaming eyes
Their washcloths pounce against the night sky, enough to carry them
My shoes lead me to a cobble stone road
Where the stone has scratch marks embedded
I take a step, feeling the air pass my skin

Following the stone path, I feel the air racing me like race cars
I feel the moon brightening the path beyond me
I see a pair of eyes, glistening on a plant
Moving forward, I end at a brick wall
A wall who's face is empty and barren
Water trickles beside it, making sounds of tears and rain

Turning my position around and looking at the stars, I see
Millions of raindrops sprinkling
Accompanying the ball of light beside them
Moving like ballerinas, spinning their skirts
What a wonderful night

Author's Note

Do you think it is descriptive enough, or it needs more description?

Reviews

[Ivy]

Very nice, great imagery!
Especially love:
"A wall who's face is empty and barren
Water trickles beside it, making sounds of tears and rain"

Very vivid personification! Love it!


(btw, did you mean "whose" instead of "who's"? Just checking...)

[Ashley Arita]

I'm really glad you enjoyed it! It's supposed to be who's because I considered the wall a person I guess. You know, tears and all.

[briget_01]

I really enjoyed reading this! Normally poetry flies right over my head, but this one stuck with me. With the perfect about of detail you used, I could almost feel the wind. The only things I would add are more metaphors or similes. In my opinion, metaphors especially add a sense of wonder and curiosity to poems. Over all though, I really enjoyed this poem, and I definitely look forward to reading more of your literature.

~cheers

[Ashley Arita]

I really appreciate that you enjoyed it. I'll make sure to add more metaphors or similes in my next poem.

[Mar-Mar]

I enjoy how descriptive your poem is, Plenty of detail and I can picture it in my mind. Great job!!

[Ashley Arita]

Thank you so much! I really appreciate that you enjoyed it!

[J.A. Darling]

This is really good. My one bit of advice as far as being more descriptive goes is to use more similie or metaphor. For example "I take a step, feeling the air pass my skin" could be written as "feeling the air caress my skin" or "feeling the air, like a lover's caress across my skin"

[Ashley Arita]

I see. Thank you! I'll be sure to put in more powerful verbs in my next poem.

[J.A. Darling]

That's always a good way to go. Can never go wrong with taking the objects in your poems or any prose and making them take action.

[cassandra ziemba]

oh wow, this is beautiful, very descriptive, nice job, i think you put the perfect amount of descriptiveness into it. but its always nice to remember, being to descriptive can overwhelm your readers, at least if you want to use a lot of descriptiveness,then center it on the main point, but don't forget the little stuff to. its hard to find the perfect balance, and in my opinion, you hit it just right, well done.

[Ashley Arita]

Thank you! I'll be sure to put in a balance next time.

[cassandra ziemba]

oh, im sorry if i gace you the wrong impression. i was saying its hard to find a balance, but you oh im sorry i gave you the wrong impression, it was perfect. your poem had a perfect balance, it was amazing, and not to descriptive. i was just leaving a note for future reference for other writers saying this poem was a perfect example of great balance.

[Ashley Arita]

Ah I see. Thank you so much! However, I'll make sure to keep that balance in my future poems. Also, be sure to check the review I left you.

[cassandra ziemba]

your welcome, and i did, also i apologize for repeating myself, my computer was glitching.