Daylight

A description of me walking in the day.

My shoes crunch and crackle like nighttime fireworks
Spreading my arms, as I run across the bright plains
The sun caressed my face, like a mother to a child
Grass leans beneath me

The clouds wisp across the blue sea, spreading its white wings
The faces on the clouds communicate it all
Happiness, enjoyment, comfort, like a child jumping
The puffy siblings race across their parents
Eager to get to the sun first

Stumbling, my shoes come across a stream
A water bug soars across the blue blanket, getting its next meal
Bending my ankles, I see myself on the other side
Like a crystal clear mirror with waves
Up above flies a falcon
It's feathers glistening and blowing against the air

Trees watch over me
Their tall statues comforting me
Their hands filled with sunshine
Oh how the day is beautiful

Author's Note

I tried to fix the errors of my last poem, "Night Sky". Did it fix most of those errors, or are they still present? Are my verbs powerful, or not so? Did it still hold the amount of description?

Reviews

[briget_01]

You really hit the mark with this one! I noticed how you incorporated more similes and metaphors, and they definitely complement your writing. I was truly able to picture everything you detailed wrote about, I love it! Brightness and overall happy things are what I picture going along with this poem. You did a great job creating a whole separate happy world in your poem good job!!!

~cheers

[Ashley Arita]

Thank you so much! I did as much as I could to fix the errors. Glad they were noticed!

[SariahM]

[J.A]

Interesting poem. It's almost like the speaker is a child that just enjoys the wonders of the world. It might seem like you jump from one scene to another, but if you look at it in the eyes of a child, that is how they think. Their minds are just welcoming what is happening to them. One minute they feel the "sun" caressing their faces, and the next they're "stumbling". I know this has a positive message but it leaves me a bittersweet feeling to think as adults, we can't enjoy the world the way we used to as kids.

[Dead]

This is really really pretty :)

[Firebird]

I loved the imagery in this. Well done. Its lovely.

[Abel.J]

The imagery is great but the line with "bending my ankles" is a little weird when it comes to imagery?

[B. Boileau]

Beautiful metaphors describe your journey . It gives a sense of awareness of one's surroundings... a wonderful read.
bill

[ExquisiteEyes]

Personally, I think this one is better than Night Sky. Very descriptive.

[Ashley Arita]

Thank you! Everyone says Night Sky is better but I'm surprised to see someone who likes it!

[C. S. Vincent]

I do think that you have good ideas, and a good grasp on imagery. You have a lot of potential!

[Ashley Arita]

Thank you so much!

[C. S. Vincent]

I had a hard time envisioning where the narrator is. First, they seem to be in a field, then near an ocean, then near a stream, and then in the woods? Maybe describe one of those settings instead of all of them in one poem. Or you can separate the settings with Roman numerals. I thought that the second simile and comparison was weak, personally, because you already compared the sun to something familial. Perhaps consider removing it, and just write concrete imagery about the clouds. That, alone, can be powerful. Comparisons are not always powerful. One last suggestion I have is that you should either use punctuation or lose punctuation. It's confusing when you have it sometimes, and not always use it.

[Ashley Arita]

I see. I was a bit over the place, I must admit. Sometimes my mind goes everywhere and it's hard to focus on one setting. I'll also use your advice about concrete imagery, as that is a very good idea. The punctuation is fixed in my future poems. Thanks for writing!

[wizardlypoet8]

You have beautiful word choice. I personally struggle with finding good descriptive words, but you have such a wide vocabulary that your poems never seem repetative. That is something that I wish I knew how to do better. This is beautiful.

[jesserose99]

This is really nice to read with the last poem about walking at night. They seem to go well together. What a fine description of the daytime. I can see the trees leaning tall like guardians over you..and feel you safe within the bounds of your daytime paradise. Very good at creating a mental image, and sending that through to the heart.

[Ashley Arita]

I'm really glad you enjoyed it!