stuck

still in this place

Let me have silence let me have peace to get lost in the currents rushing underneath

I feel the pull yet I stay afloat

I feel like a mermaid stuck on a boat

I want to dive and swim and feel the water surround my limbs

Let me have what I so much crave

Or you will find my sentiment hard to save

I search for the calm while madness whirls around my head

A little fly in a tangled web

I writhe and wriggle and fuss and fight but I feel like I am watching someone else’s life

Where did that girl go, the one who knew so well

How to break this mad awful spell

Reviews

[jacob erin-cilberto]

i like this but a suggestion...i like the water metaphor and you carry it for about two -thirds of the poem, then lose it.

would like to see that maintained..

the fly metaphor is good too, but that would be for a separate piece...

the half and half leaves the reader a little frustrated...i see two separate poems being made from this one...

just thoughts.

jacob

[Ashly Christen]

it probably is two poems made into one knowing the way my brain works, i do need to work at staying on track thank you for your review, much appreciated :)

[InsanityWriter]

Nice job. :) The imagery was good. ^_^

[AWKOS]

i really like how u made the poem flow, easy to read, easy to grasp great poem!

[Creepy Swine Guy]

It looks like you decided on the beat of the poem as you came to the end of the first line ... I say this because from there you seemed to structure the verses visually to match that beat.The entire poem carried the beat in my ear of course. This is a very magnetic little write that keeps you drifting along as you read. I enjoyed it much. (Also I DO have a suggestion for a tweak if you are interested.)

[Ashly Christen]

always interested in a tweak :)
and thank you much for the review your so right about that rhythm :)

[Fabian G. Franklin]

I've been wondering a long time (since I'm on the web) when the spider is going to come. (laughing) Ya just gotta get in there and kick a little proverbial a*s gal. You've got the talent. This write here proves it. Nobody (let's us have) anything. We have to work for it if we want it...sorry...so sad but true...I hear Metallica singing...SAD BUT TRUE! ANYWAY...I agree with Jacob that one metaphor at a time is sufficient...personally, I like the fly! You could really go places as a fly...look what it did for Jeff Goldblum! (ha) MAYBE not a good example...

[Ashly Christen]

lol thank you for the awesome review, ill try to keep my mind on track :)

[Fabian G. Franklin]

Hey...here ya go...a little something SOOTHING to help you along...these guys ALWAYS help me feel good. http://youtu.be/JJWH-RCy-y8

[Fabian G. Franklin]

This is an entire concert actually so...IDK...if you don't ROCK...ya won't get it...but if ya do...personally I think ya ROCK!

[Ashly Christen]

thank you, um I cant click that link tho lol
try again?

[Fabian G. Franklin]

Well then...you scan across it...copy and paste it in your browser bar...hit send...OR...you can watch it on my home page...bottom of my screen...(smile)

[Ashly Christen]

ah ha, lol nice vid

[Clockwork]

It is truly difficult feeling like you are stuck in one place like that. I think it can be emotionally crippling at times. With your simile about the mermaid, you show us how deep the yearning for movement is. You want to find your true element and return to your identity. These are all admirable qualities about this poem; it is a true examination of self and circumstances. Well done!

[Ashly Christen]

thank you :) and thank you for reading as well look forward to seeing you around

[Clockwork]

You are welcome. I hope to see you around as well :-)

[Ashly Christen]

i like how we can comment on comments, i don't remember this from the last time i was on this siteread morei like how we can comment on comments, i don't remember this from the last time i was on this site

[The Rock And Roll Cowbo..]

That is awesome... when we are young and innocent we see endless possibilities but once we are subjected by the real world we are blinded by the fears and disappointments of life.

[Ashly Christen]

thank you cowboy for the first review, always love hearing from you :)

[The Rock And Roll Cowboy(REBEL WITH A CAUSE)]

Always my pleasure.