The Mystery

It was Summer break and Destiny was at a party with some friends. Destiny was standing by herself with a cup in her hand and someone tapped her on her shoulder and she jumped and saw Trevor behind her "OH MY GOD TREVOR YOU SCARED ME!" She screamed while Trevor started laughing, "you do get scared really easily don't you?" Destiny Laughs, "yeah I do..." She pauses and then takes a deep breath, "do you ever feel like someone is always watching you? I mean like I feel like there is someone or something watching me." she looks around. "Destiny I promise you there is nothing watching you, and if there is I will beat them up for you. Okay?" Trevor asked her, concern etching on his face. "Okay," Destiny Laughed. "HEY YOU TWO LOVE BIRDS!" Claire Called running over to them. "hey Claire," Destiny said rolling her eyes at Claire's comment. "You know me and Trevor are just talking right now we're not even together." Trevor looked at Destiny. "What? You haven't even asked me out yet, I mean yeah we've had our first date, but you still haven't asked me to be your girlfriend." Destiny said. "You have a point there" Trevor said. "Come on let's go get some more drinks."

                                                         * * *

It was the middle of the night and Destiny, Trevor, and Claire were still at the party. It was pitch black except for their flashlights, and it was freezing cold outside. Destiny started shivering. "Here take this," Trevor said taking off his jacket and putting it on destiny. "But Trevor you will be freezing out here," she said looking up at him. "Destiny I assure you I will not get cold, but you, on the other hand will get sick out in this cold weather." Trevor said taking Destiny's hand. "come on let's take a walk on the beach just you, me, the water, and the sand." Her heart fluttered as he said this, but she couldn't find herself saying anything, so instead she just nodded and turned to Claire, "Hey Claire me and Trevor are going to take a walk by the beach, just come get us if you need anything." Claire turned to Destiny and smiled, "Okay."  Trevor and Destiny started to walk toward the beach. "Take off your sandals," Trevor said. "Why?" Destiny looked at him confused. "Because you're going to get them wet, and they look amazing on you, and I wouldn't want you to get them wet and mess them up," Trevor said. "Oh, Okay," Destiny said taking her sandals off. "here I can hold them," Trevor said. "No, I can hold them," she said. "Why? A guy can't hold a lady's sandals for her?" He said giving her a playful look. Destiny rolled her eyes but gave him her sandals. "Fine you can hold them." Trevor laughed as he grabbed them from her. "Come on," he said pulling her by the hand toward the water. Destiny started to giggle as he pulled her to the water, she put her feet and the water and screamed "OMG it's so cold," she said laughing. Trevor starts laughing with her, "yeah it is a little cold." They walked on the beach for about ten minutes and then Trevor picks destiny up in his arms bridal style. "TREVOR what are you you doing?" She asks him while laughing. "you will see, now close your eyes." Trevor said. He starts to walk. "were are you taking me Trevor?" Destiny asked. "It's a surprise," he said still walking and then breaks into a jog. A couple minutes had passed and they finally met their destination. "Okay, you can open your eyes now." Trevor said to Destiny setting her down gently on the ground. She opened her eyes and looked around to find a cabin that had candles lined up the sidewalk. "OH MY GOD TREVOR!" she said astonished with tears in her eyes, "di...di..did you do this?" she asked Trevor. "Yeah, I booked it just for us for tonight... I mean if you want to?" he said as she flung her arms around his neck and hugged him. "Trevor this is the most beautiful and sweetest thing someone has ever done for me I could just kiss you." she said looking into his deep blue eyes.  "I...umm...thank you," he stuttered at her response and then said, "Come on lets go inside. The owners put some sparkling water," he said slightly pausing. "I asked them if they can get some because I know you only drink water instead of other drinks." Destiny looked at him appreciation in her eyes, "you remember that I only drink water, that's so sweet Trevor." He looked at her and said, "how could I not remember? I don't want you to hate me forever because I gave you some type of soda." He laughed, but then stopped abruptly because destiny gave him a look, "what?"  She busted out laughing, "I'm just playing, I would never hate you if you asked for soda I just wouldn't drink it," She paused, "but if you made me drink soda that's a whole other story." Trevor laughed and opened the door to the cabin for her, "After you." Destiny walked into a beautiful hallway that looked vintage with the lights dimmed and candles along the hallway's floor. "I'm just speechless Trevor," Destiny said walking into the living room which had a bar with sparkling water on it. "oh this is my favorite flavor: Grape!" She said grabbing sparkling water and a glass off the bar and pouring her some. "You want some?" she asked Trevor as he walked into the living room. "Yeah, sure." He said grabbing a glass which Destiny poured some sparkling water in. They walked over to the couch and sat down. "I have a surprise for you," Trevor said. "What is it?" Destiny asked him her eyes lighting up. Trevor took out a box from his pocket and gave it to Destiny. "Here open it I think you will like it." She opened it to find a beautiful necklace that had a cross on it. She looked at Trevor, "OMG Trevor its beautiful." Trevor gently took the necklace from her hands, "Here let me put it on for you." Destiny turned around letting him put it on her. As he was putting it on her the cross was laid on her neck and she took it in her hands and looked at it speechless. Destiny finally found her voice, "I-its amazing thank you." Destiny turned around and hugged Trevor. "your welcome Destiny," Trevor said and pulled away gently and looked Destiny in the eyes. "Destiny, you are the most beautiful girl at Dover high, your smart, kind, loyal to your friends, and your even kind to those who are not to you will you be my girlfriend?" He asked her. "Yes! Yes Trevor yes I will be your girlfriend!" Destiny said tears welling up in her eyes. Trevor wiped a stray tear from her face and kissed her, Destiny's Eyes went wide but then she kissed him back. They both pulled away looking at each other with aw in their eyes, A couple of minutes passed with them talking to each other and then Destiny snuggled with Trevor on the couch and fell asleep. After an hour or two Destiny woke up startled because she felt like they were not alone... and then she saw them... the shadows lurking in the corner of the ceiling. She sat up very quickly which startled Trevor. "What! What's wrong?" He asked her concern etched on his face. "We have to get out of here!" Destiny said looking terrified, "Dessie everything is fine there is nothing to be scared of," and right at that very moment there in that ceiling where the shadows had been was now a fire. "TREVOR THERE IS FIRE WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE!" she yelled, Trevor turned around to face the fire and then his eyes got wide and he turned back around, "Destiny listen to me, you get out of here make it to some place safe far away from here, can you do that for me?" Destiny looked at him terrified "NO I-I-I don't want to leave you!" tears spilling out from her eyes, "DESTINY PRICE, listen to me go to the party and tell everyone that there is a fire, understood?" Destiny nodded not able to speak."I love you Destiny!" Trevor said and kissed her on the top of the head. "NOW GO RUN!" Destiny got up and ran to the door and out of the cabin hoping Trevor will make it. She finally made it outside and to the beach and the cabin exploded with fire, Destiny fell to the ground and started sobbing. then two people came running toward her and a woman and a teen girl who Destiny knew as Scarlet Rue and the older woman as Trevor's mom. "What did you do to my son!" his mom asked "You were a freak and will always be one!" Scarlet said, "I'm sorry, I'm truly sorry." Destiny said crying, "We don't need you to apologize you FREAK!" Scarlet said and then turned to Trevor's mother "Come on Mrs. Beckman." she said and was hugging her as they were walking. Destiny saw shadows lurking in the woods, "please stop...no." and then she passed out

Reviews

[Claire]

I love this Ash (it’s your friend btw)

[Ash]

HIIIIIIIIII

[JayG]

You mentioned in another post that you had writer’s block on this book. I can tell you why, and even how to cure it. And, it’s unrelated to talent, or writing skill. But it will sting, so take a deep breath:

First. Paragraphing is not optional. Lose your place in the monolithic block of text and there's a problem.

Next:

• It was Summer break and Destiny was at a party with some friends.

Right here is where the problem appears. Instead of writing fiction, with the techniques of the profession, you’re transcribing yourself as a storyteller. That works for you because you ARE the storyteller. For you the narrator’s voice—your voice—is filled with the emotion the reader cannot know to place there. For you, who have backstory and context it’s deeply meaningful. And because you do have context, you’ll leave out what seems obvious to you, but for which the reader requires context.

For example:

1. Summer break from high school? From the university? meant as going on a vacation? You know. She knows. The people in the story know. But, the one the story was written for? Not as clue.

2. "was at a party with some friends?" That's far too generic to generate a mental image for the reader. But...won't the reader know that by what's happening? As James Schmitz puts it, “Don’t inflict the reader with irrelevant background material—get on with the story.”

In short: Commercial Fiction Writing is a profession. And like any profession, has a body of skills and techniques that are necessary. In other words: nothing else works. Learn those skills and you avoid the traps and grab the reader on page one. Skip that and you rediscover all the traps...never knowing you have.

So grab a good book in the basics of adding wings to your words, like Debra Dixon’s, GMC: Goal Motivation and Conflict, and dig in.

Jay Greenstein

Articles: https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/
Videos: https://www.youtube.com/@jaygreenstein3334

- - - - - - - - - - -

“Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”
~ E. L. Doctorow

[Ash]

Hi thank you for getting with me I'm so sorry but I have no clue what you mean by any of this I just looked up how to get rid of writers block and it said write something new

[JayG]

• I just looked up how to get rid of writers block and it said write something new.

How can you write something new when you have no clue of how fiction is written? It's a PROFESSION. And professional knowledge acquired in-addition to your schoolday skills.

Surely you don't believe that the pros simply sat down, and with the report-writing skills of school, created great stories? Naaa. They're called pros because they learned the skills of the Commercial Fiction Writing profession. But, their work reads as so natural and easy, we never think of that.

Think about it. Do you know why a scene on the page is so different from one on the page?

No, because employers need reports, letters, and other nonfiction applications. So it's not even mentioned in your classes. But if you don't know, how can you write one?

Do you know the three issues we must address on entering the story, to provide context and orient the reader? (Where are we in time and space? What's going on? Whose skin do we wear?) If not, how-can-you-write one? Guessing doesn't work.

Bottom line. If you don't know HOW to write fiction, you can't write it. You'll become bored with your own writing and get stuck, without knowing why, or, how to fix it. And you'll call that writers block.

Like most people, you're falling into the traps for the newbie. No crime, certainly, and you have LOTS of company.

But...if your characters aren't real to you; if you're not viewing the scene as-the-protagonist-would, and asking what they would WANT to do or say, you'll be deciding what YOU want them to do/say, and everyone in the story will think with your mind, and speak with your voice. How real can that seem to the reader?

It has nothing to do with talent and everything to do with learning how to play the game.

Could you write a screenplay, now, without learning a lot more about the reality of the screenwriting profession? No. Nor could you work as a journalist.

Why then, assume that you can practice the profession of writing fiction with no more than the desire, a story situation, and the nonfiction writing skills we got in school?

There's no reason you can't learn them. And for all we know you have great talent. We already know you have the desire and the perseverance—even the story. But...learn those skills you must, because nothing else works.

And while that sounds like a lot of work, and is, you'll find the learning filled with, "But wait.... That's so obvious. How could I not have see that?"

And while, after the tenth time you'll probably growl the words, who cares? If you are meant to write, you won't be able to stop reading.

And, when you master those skills, the act of writing becomes a lot more fun, because your protagonist comes alive in your mind, whispering warnings and suggestions in your ear.

They come so real that when I was writing, Necessity, I had a character who my protagonist fell in love with—and vice versa. He was a "Texas bad boy," a charming soldier of fortune, who was great fun to write.

But then, with no warning, he was murdered. It had to happen, because it turned the protagonist from an intelligent, sweet young lady into the cold, calculating woman she needed to be.

And though it had to happen, and worked well, when I ended the chapter with, "He barely felt the blow that broke his neck," I was devastated, and felt as if one of my best friends had died. Although I kept telling myself that Ron wasn't a real person. But for three days I was in mourning.

Later when wife was acting as a beta reader, she came into the room where I was working, pointed a finger at me, and snarled, "You b*****d...you KILLED him!"

That was when I knew I'd done it right. And I wish you the same experience. But to have it, you NEED to acquire those skills.

So to help with that, you can download that book I suggested from the site linked to below. Grab a copy and try a few chapters for fit. By bet is that she'll catch you with the first words she says.

[FlaLover]

Unexpected ending but very
Nice work

[Ash]

Thank you so much

[Alice Mayes]

WOW AMAZING PLOT TWIST I LOVE IT AEEEEEEEEEE

[Ash]

thankyou sooo much I hope your haveing a blessed night

[Alice Mayes]

you too :3

[Kady R.]

ASSSSHHHHHHHHH!!!! WOOOWWW!! Like wooow!! The plot twist is amazing!!! I was so shocked well written!! Very well written!! Can't wait for the rest!!

Also the characters are so sweet (Trevor and Destiny) sooo sad at what happened!!

[Ash]

Thanks soooo much your making me grin from ear to ear

[Kady R.]

Welcome!!! :)

[Ash]

I just need help on how to start it out

[Kady R.]

Need help with inspiration??

[Ash]

Yes pls!!!!

[Kady R.]

Maybe music?? or watch a movie?? Do you have a subscription to VIKI?? I like Korean Dramas. Sometimes getting your mind off your work will give you the Ericka effect.

I'm sure you'll get it there are sooo many ways it could start up again. Maybe start with her in a daze were she doesn't know where she's at but really shes at home. Something like that. When I have dreams that really impact me in the morning I feel like I have an out of body experience. Mourning is so special to capture on page. I don't know, there could be a lot of ways to start up again.

Hope I helped!!

[Ash]

Ok thankyou

[Kady R.]

OOO I meant to say Eureka not Ericka ahahhaha. Quote from Thomas Edison***

Welcome

[Ash]

lol your fine

[Kady R.]

Thanks Ash!!:)

[Ash]

I still can't think of anythinggggggggg

[Kady R.]

Ooo nooo!! Sorry for the late reply!! I'm out of town. I'll be home tomorrow. How are you doing now??

[Ash]

I'm doing good