Pestilence, Traitor King of the Swarm

My dearest Elinoria! Even I... a high councillor and a male, know better than to suggest peace with the enemy above. Why would you be so foolish and so naïve to cavort with the humans?

You were so pure, so eager to forge a better life for our people. If only you knew better. Perhaps... perhaps it was that tender, simplistic sincerity what drew me to you all these years.

....

Her carapace now lies broken and bloodied now. The once beautiful, tender frame of a soulmate I once loved with every fibre of my wretched being, more than anything in the world.

It is strange. I felt nothing, not remorse, not even pity as I plunged my horns into her heart. Perhaps the will of the swarm holds greater sway over us than we would like.

....

In her stead they have chosen me to rule. In her place I shall serve our people, we wretched few who have been exiled and reviled by humankind. And only now, after all these years do I see the true purpose of our existence: to preserve the cycle of the swarm.

 

Reviews

[Schatzi]

Nice story. It has a good flow.

[Coyote Poetry]

I loved this tale. A wonderful story written my friend.
Coyote

[Desirée Tolliver]

Very interesting chapter. The imagery here is promising but it leaves me wondering what events could've led from the first paragraph to the second. Elinoria was "so pure and eager to forge a better life for the people" but "her carcass lies broken and bloodied now". What happened to cause the narrator to plunge his horns into her heart? Although I would like to say bravo for setting the scene well. I could feel the suspense between the first paragraph and the second which leads the reader wondering what could've happened to cause this change, almost like it's a mystery. I would like to commend you on your creativity and good luck in your future endeavors.

[S. von Glaubitz]

Interesting concept of this series of “sketches” of fantastical creatures. I could see this being a really neat book with nice plate illustrations to accompany each story snippet.

I ended up just reading the whole thing at once to confirm you were going with individual stories, so I’m going to just review the whole thing at once.

I can’t help associating these chapters with the idea of sketches, because you really just give enough to make a snapshot image for the reader. I like that. For the most part, your ideas are just developed enough to accomplish that, to inspire the reader rather than completely engulf them in a story. “Werewolf” could be turned into an entire novel. “Siren” too, or maybe just a longer short story. There’s a lot more to explore in a lot of these stories, but that doesn’t seem to be the goal here.

“Creator” feels like a metaphor for depression. I don’t know if that was your intention, but regardless I like the existential and meta aspects of it. This is one of the longer pieces and the only one with dialogue. It’s the only one I would encourage you to revisit regardless of where you want to take this concept. I think because it’s more developed, it requires a little more attention, particular to the dialogue. I’m also not sure I understand the last line.

Unexpectedly, the last two are directly related—would they fit better in the same entry? I think you may need to make it clearer at the end of “Elinoria” that he’s turned murderous, otherwise it just sounds like she’s lamenting his change of heart. Also, I would spend a little more time “sketching” these two characters for the reader visually. Because their people are called “the Swarm” I imagine they’re some kind of insect colony, but Pestilence (a buggy name) has horns—I don’t usually associate horns to bugs. So who are these creatures and what are they like?

Very cool! I’d be interested to read more chapters as you add them!