White

a song im working on i got guitar part with it but i keep getting lost with words and confused on where i want to take it

In the white meadow
The song bird would sing
Of all this worlds beauty
And then show me thee

A thousand white angels
Would fly from the heavens
Sounding there horns
Awakening me

And they ride in their chariots on light
Blissfully calm through the night
And I'm blinded by beauty
As she drifts through the air

finally she stops
within my eyes reach

And she steps from her carriage
smile lights the air
a gown of gold fleece
white every where

she takes my hand
within warm embrace
guides to the meadow
where we dance in grace

and we glide upon moonlight
cross a thousand clear nights
we're held by a holy embrace
we ride cross the skies
by stars holy might
we ride
It's all so white

Author's Note

opinions please and some ideas for more words, i feel it needs something stronger for and ending i plan on getting the guitar part on here as soon as possible

Reviews

[dearly beloved]

i feel serene after reading this.

[Hippy]

thank you! I think it is a pretty song!

[Angie Diane♥&hea..]

I think this was a very beautiful write...Good job. I love the imagery in the poem. It's what made it really good. Thanks for sharing.

[Hippy's Sister]

Awe, Brodder, your such a good writer(:

[Naomi Montana Walsh]

I would end it with we ride.
The whole poem is really pretty has a very romantic feel to it .

[HorrorMaster]

Very beautiful

[Bette]

beautiful, its the best i have read by you yet. well done.

[Stammers]

I'd try to focus on your main couple of words, 'white, meadow, sky, light' etc and try to put them into sentences you feel best expresses them, think that works with lyrcis e.g 'knocking on heavens door' - you imagine a lot more than is said, also it does seem very 'poem like' for a song - maybe try to rework this without keeping to the rhyme scheme so tightly, might give you more freedom.

Also - since you are posting this to be read as well as listened to -
'Sounding there horns' should be 'their'

[S. Kimball]

The imagery was good. Your word choice set a mood very well.

I felt like I was gliding along as I read this. It was quite pleasant.

If you're planning on expanding this still, you could just continue writing with what you two do.

The ending could definitely be a little stronger, though. I don't think it's the wording itself so much as it is the build-up. It doesn't set an epic stage.

[victoria]

this is great. i love the imagery and it all flowed so well, it makes really great song lyrics :D

[Lilly]

I LOVE this. The images are so lovely and I'm sure this would be a beautiful song. I don't really know what to suggest... If you want to keep the current theme, repeating the first verse/stanza might work
or if you wanted to change the theme at the end you could alter the first stanza to something like:
in the black/dark medow
the song birds do cry
of how you stole the worlds beauty
and left me to die

changing the image of white to black or darkness could show the other side or heartbreak of love.

I don't know...your song...I'm sure you'll think of something :)

fantastic work