The trees that lay

This is a poem of broken love and broken dreams.

The trees that lay

on the side of the road,

Green as could be alive,

but Brown as could be dead.

The broken trunk of the tree

lay with agony,

with hurt,

with despair.

They wish their lives

could have lasted longer,

hopes & dreams that they

have had deep in their roots

now all come crashing down

with just one "timber" away.

The love that they had for

one another, all

but taken away.

Their hearts now shattered

and lost forever.

Their dreams vanish,

their hopes dashed.

The trees that lay

on the side of the road,

green has now vanished

as Brown has consumed it.

Author's Note

This one is not one of my best poems that I have. I would greatly appreciate any and all critiquing that you could give about this poem to try to make this one better. Thank You for reading and be sure to check out my website by using the web address below:

jordanbsmith.com

Reviews

[Christina]

I have a close relationship with nature, trees especially, and I adore the personification of the trees in this piece. I agree with Hannah though on the going back and editing a few lines to make the poem all-around more artful. This is a great poem built on an original idea, and with some tweaking it could reach perfection.

[Jordan Smith]

Thank You Christina :) I appreciate the feedback

[Amber Lily]

This was beautiful. Humans are not the only beings who live and die with unique experiences, plants and animals do as well. That tree lived a unique life. Great work :)

[Emily L]

Very lovely poem. It seems as if nature itself has feelings and is just as alive as we humans are. I love the idea of this poem, it really makes you think. Never stop writing!

[Hannah]

I like the idea behind this poem. It seems "pointy": it has several short and curt lines in succession. Sometimes that works but other times it seems rushed and lifeless. I think you could go back in a few places and try to make them feel more alive and rich. You have a good base to work with and many ways to improve it. Just be sure you don't lose your meaning in the process.

[Jordan Smith]

Thank You for your critique Hannah :) I will go back and make it better

[zunie frost]

Wow !!!!
It's fantastic . I love the way connect love with nature
You are a great write . I always love to read your work
This is really speacial one it have different color of love, nature ,hope abd beauty
Great poetry .i can't wait to read more of you work

[Georgina Cross]

I love this relation to nature almost as allegory to human life. The beauty of the change in colour prevails in this poem, with the use of enjambment relating to the change in state, the change in life, of the tree. As you have said this is not one of your best pieces, i can't wait to read more and see what else you can do because this is beautiful.
Very well done,
Regards,
Georgie.

[Desert Rose]

it's so unfair how something that has been born to this world has to die..& what's in between is taken for granted.
good job!

[Ruth]

Such as the roots wither and die so do the dreams when the heart is broken...lovely Jordan...a palpable tale of severance and broken hopes...

[Kathryn Smith]

Awwww those poor trees! It sounds like an awful lot of my forest that got cut down..did I tell you about that? Very good mirroring and using trees as symbols. I really liked this and could relate to it! Well done my good sir! 100 out of 100 for you! Best Poem I've ever read!

[Jordan Smith]

Thank You :) I'm glad that you liked it alot.