A prison of my own constuction

I just finished writing this to describe how I just cant seem to be happy.

there it sits, on the edge of my conciousness.
mocking me.
It watchs me judging me.
It prepares to strike me,
to beat me back into place should I become too happy, should i forget.
I try to fight it but it cant be beat,
it holds all of the cards,
every one, a memory
every one, a regret
It casually picks another card,
to use against me, to hurt me.
it throws it at me, I see the memory
I feel the pain,
NO! I scream "No more!"
I lunge, I tackle the beast that stands between me and my freedom
and then I see, as the hood falls back,
its me?

What a feeble creature,
he stares, shocked by what he sees,
I shrug him off
he falls back, onto the ground
I smirk,
my fingers dance, as I pick another card from my limitless hand of hurt
he cries on the ground "please no more!"
who is he to think he could beat me?
to think he could beat pain itself?
pathetic!
I cast yet another memory onto him, one he thought hed forgotten,
I can tell it hurt.
I laugh, at this sad excuse for a human being weeping on the cold hard earth.
Ive done enough for now,
ive reminded him of his place.

 

I look up, spit the dirt from my mouth, as I watch myself fade,
back into the shadows,
to wait for me,
I know its hopless, I cannot win,
and i cry

Author's Note

go ahead and mention anything that i could add/subtract/change, to make it better.

Reviews

[shiloh jennings]

I feel like I could have written this piece... like you climbed into me and took my thoughts... its excellent :) I think there are a few minor changes -- do you mean "every one" is a memory and a regret... as in, each of the cards... or are the cards representative of people, hence, everyone .... ? and typos drive me nuts :) so I'm going to point out the "palce" in the 5th line. Other than that, I got caught up in the emotion, so I didn't notice anything further on! Good write -- lots of strong emotion. Thanks for sharing!

[Morgan Ashire]

Wow. The direction of this piece just blows me away. I love the imagery. I love what you're doing. The delivery however...not so much. This piece could be so immaculate. The stones are there. You have everything you need jumbled in these words to make this great. I suggest grammar for one, proper punctuation for two, and some possible re-wordings for three. This piece stands as a block of limestone. What will you carve from it?