chapter 1

you meet ali her brother jaice and her friends

Story Start:
Run Run Run my head chanted as I run through the woods.Scrapeing my legs and arms on the shrubbery.
Then just as I see the road ahead an arm snaked around my waist.I spun on my heels to face my captor.
I looked up to meet bright blue eyes.Hechucked as I squirm to get away.
"You think I'll let you escape that easy,Love?" The stanger Whispered in my ear.WTF is up with him calling me love.
He loosend his grip on me and kissed me on the cheek.If I could move I would so slap him!GRR!!!
"I will have you,Love." and with that he left.
The forest started to fade in to blackness

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I shot out of bed as my alarm went off.I ran to my bathroom and hopped in the shower.I love my mango shapoo!
I wraped myselph in a towle and ran to my sterio and Trouble by P!NK blasted trough the speakers
No attorneys to plead my case
No orbits to send me into outter space

I started to sing as I got dressed in my Blue Jean cut-off shorts and red one sholder tank andmy black converses(lol like mine yay)
I walked down to the first floor of my house. The reason I say my house is becouse my parents are in Africa on a bussisness trip.
They never come home and if they do it's only for a few weeks.But I'm not all alone have a twin brother he's an awsome bro.
I see Jaice sitting on the couch eating a toaster strudel.
"Morning"I said as I walk to the kitchen to get one also.
"Morning,are you rideing with me or did you get a new bike?"he asked grabbing his bag and keys
"I got my bike yesterday afternoon and You got to see it!"I excalmed as I grabbed my ED HARDY bag and my cell and keys
Pulling him along to see my new black and green Kawasaki Ninja ZX-6R Sport Bike.(pic with helment at bottem)
It was awsome!
"See ya at school."I said as I reved my engin as I saw the look on his face and cut the bike off.
"Are going to school or are you ditching?" I asked concern filling my voice .Jaice only misses school if he's sick.
"No I'm not comming to school-"I cut him off
"Are you ok, do you need a docter what happened whats wrong?"The questions flowed out of my mouth worry and concern coated my every word.
"No no no I justhave a bad headacheI'm fine ,Ali,Just go to school and I'll call the school if I get worce and if I get better I'll come to school ok?" he said in a rush so I couldn't cut him off agin.
I know somethings up but I don't want to push it.
"Ok.Bye love ya."I said giving him a hug
"love you to bye."he said as I put on my helment
The drive felt realy short to school but in all reality it took 1hr. I parked my bike and headed to my group.Spence was the frist to see me and almost crushed me in a hug.
"Spence...can't ....breath.."I wheased and mouthed help me to the guyes.Chase and Ash laphed and Kyle was so funny he had this 'huh' look written on his face.
"Oh sorry I just have good news..."she saidletting go of me
"Well...."This happens a lot
"Oh yeahmy mom's getting mairried!"she yelled while jumping up and down like a three year old.I grabbed her sholders to stop her from jumping but I don't blame her.Her family has lots of issuses.Thats how we became friends.
"Who is he?"I questioned.It's interigation time.
"His name is shawn He seems cool."She said now doing her happy dance. Yes she can be very weird but shes sweet
The warning bell rang and we all said bye and went our seperate ways.
Kyle,Ash,and I have 1st block together whitch is english101
2d Chase is Art2
3rdeveryone study
4th everyone lunch
5thSpence Spanish2
6th Kyle PE2
7th me Natiral Science1
It was Lunch and all spence could talk about was the new kid Drake.Yeah he was Kinda cute but he creeped me out I had every class with him and he kept stairing at me.
"Ohh Ali he's comeing over here and he's looking at you."she squeeled.
I looked over my sholder to see Drake heading over still stairing at me.I met his blue eyes that seemed vaguly
familiar.
Mabey just my imagination.
"Ali is it?"he asked.I swear I've heard that voice before but like I said mabey my Imagineation.
"Yes."I answerd
"I was wondering if you would go to dinner with me tonight?"he asked sounding confident.S**t what do I do.
I shot a help me glance to kyle,Ash,and Chase. You should understand why not spence.
"I...well ...umm.-"Kyle came around and put an arm around me.
"She can't Becouse she is going out with me tonight."With that everyone's eyes were on us.
Damn it Kyle why so loud.Drake left after that and I slaped Kyle upside the head.
"What the hell Kyle I'm not going out with you."I whisper/yelled I didn't want any more attention on us
'Alixandrea Holster please report to the office you have a phone call'
I said bye and walked out of the cafateriadown the hall ahand grabbed my sholder rouphly.

~~~~~~~A/N:~~~~~~
So redoing my story yay first chap here are the pics

her helment
her bike

Reviews

[_]

Intersting read what I lkke was that you made it so relatable using brands that we use today, cool yeah you had a some typo errors and some missing spaces after peiords, her a few but the rest I'm pretty sure you're aware of:

Run(,) Run(,) Run(,) my head chanted as I r(a)n through the woods.(_)Scrapeing my legs and arms on the shrubbery.

He(_)chuck(l)ed as I squirm(ed) to get away.

The forest started to fade in to blackness(...)


Other then that this was an interesting, cool, tale can't wait for more.

[Mary Evans]

Before anything I have a couple of remarks. "Story start:" why is this necessary? Also I understand its probably your first draft which would excuse the exess information and irrelevant details,but you should really go over your stuff for grammatical errors. Not that you have that many but the few I saw I think are due exactly to that lack of revision. As for the numerous misspeings - MS Word, you should have it (or any similar editor other than notepad) use it, run your text through it, its easy, fast, and makes your writting look better. Which brings me to the main issue, things like "OMG" and "WTF" (in your case) do not belong in prose. Try to keep to the classic text format as boring and tedious as it may sound.

With that said, I like what you have going on there. The dream theme is great, giving your story a mystery element. You might consider keeping it or going straight into action, whatever suits you best. Also good thing you introduced characters, just try to keep them to a minimum in your first chapters, concentrate on establishing the important ones, leaving the side with vague introduction. I'm not sure stating the school schedule like that is the best way to do it, give the reader enough, well presented, information to get a feel of the story, without pilling irellevant facts. Ask yourself, can my story "live" without this, and if yes, get rid of it. See does something needs more/less details and fix it.

As for the pictures... Are they really necessary for us to imagine? Can you descrbe the objects presented better with words? Ask yourself these questions.

Overall I see the writing as the idea of a creative and imaginative, but young and unexperienced mind. Visualize your story/chapter, brainstorm, write the draft (as you did) go through it, imagine the action and see if the story matches it, then revise giving us your best. Don't rush it, just take your time.

[Sylvana]

It was interesting, theonly thing was a few typos errors and such. I also felt that you rushed through things a bit, or it may just be the way it was written and I just read it really fast,

either way, good job.