True History II: (NEW) Jersey and the Revolutionary War

A Story by Fra/c/ture

despite what most history buffs would have you believe, THIS is actually how the revolutionary war started. this story is also 100% true.

In 1888 the world was made up of many warring nations. There had never been a war before 1888, so when things started getting stirred up people were super freaked out.

The beginnings of the Revolutionary War occurred in the country of Jersey where everyone was miserable and everything smelled like old diapers. Apparently John F. Kennedy, who was president of Jersey at the time drew up this contract called the Mayflower Compact which called for all nations to the west pay him taxes and send him their hottest virgins for his personal use.

As expected, people got pissed at JFK and a young upstart preacher named John Wilkes Booth (JWB) put a contract out on his puny life. Soon there wree tensions between JWB's congregation, callled Heaven's Gate, and JFK's entire country of New Jersey. It was only 1888 so there weren't nuclear bombs or even sweet Internet viruses, but there was food.

And where there is food, there is food poisoning. JWB arranged for a shipment of spoiled milk to be mailed to JFK's palace at the Jersey shore and when it was delivered JFK started rubbing it all over his body and cursing in Russian as he had been known to do. At first he thought the milk was totally awesome and he invited his wife and children to join in the milk orgy but then he caught the faint whiff of dairy-rot.

In a split second his giggles of joy turned to cries of anguish. His testicles instantly dropped off and eventually started the group Boyz II Men. His family, however, was not so lucky. His wife died in the hospital a week later, having taken too much spoiled milk into her baby-maker and thusly causing her to become a walking cheese log. His six children also died and JFK swore revenge. It was then that he planned the infamous Boston Tea Party, which was really just a setup to he could get into the same room as JWB and armwrestle him.

JFK brought everyone from Jersey who could read and write. Yes, he brought BOTH of them. But JWB was ready. He had been tipped off that JFK was arriving--minus his testicles--and he knew there would be hell to pay.

Hence, the Boston Massacre. October 31, 1888--a day that is still known today throughout the educated world. It eventually became known as Halloween whenJWB's second cousin Michael Myers started dating all sorts of hot girls with his butcher knife and mask.

From here the Revolution gets pretty confusing, and honestly it's not worth getting it PERFECT, so the main gist of it is this:

JFK and JWB armwrestle, but during the match JWB gives birth to a baby. Noone even knew he was a woman, but his daughter was named Toll (hence the turnpike toll booths we still see today). After popping out the kid, JWB was tired and JFK easily dispatched him with a swift kick to the girl-groin. Word of the match was spread to England where people wore wigs and kneesocks and didn't brush their teeth much. They saw it as an opportunity to attack Jersey, and so sailed across the Atlantic in bathtubs and paintcans. Six years later they landed in New Jersey and overran the locals with their funky breath and proclivity for mid-morning tea.

Neighboring countries like Delaware, Pennsylvania, and New York were happy since they were tired of Bon Jovi and bad drivers and frosted denim jeans. There was essentially no war and Jersey succumbed to the British. They renamed it NEW Jersey since the old Jersey was dead.

The bad driving, mullets, Bon Jovi albums, and general skeeviness continued, and in fact it has to this day. Eventually they got a few football teams and even elected a woman governor, but even that couldn't save them and most experts agree that it's only a matter of time before another Revolutionary War reconfigures the face of New Jersey.

THE END...?