True History IV: The Spoon and the Market Crash

although admittedly shocking, and quite controversial, this is all true. after all, it's on the internet, isn't it?

For many people history and its annals of human trial seem an abstract orgy of names, facts, dates and places. A menage a trois (+1) of disconnected flotsam and jetsam.

 

But for true intellectuals (like myself, Carrot Top, and Heidi Montag) history holds all of the keys to the future. It is a fabric of many flowers and fruits that at first appears random and unpredictable, but when viewed with an analytical eye takes on pattern and meaning. Some of these historical fruits are people like Penelope Cruz, Chuck Norris, Daphne from Scooby-Doo, and of course the biggest fruit of all, David Archuleta of American Idol fame. Keep in mind that some of these people aren't aware of their flower or fruit status, so please don't spill the beans when you're sending your weekly fanmail or nude pictures via email.

 

To give an appropriate example of history's unfolding fabric, the invention of the spoon is a great place to start. Never before has man so far exceeded his own expectations than when designing handheld equipment to make him look sexy while he slurps down black bean chili, borscht, or other world delicacies like fish paste.

 

In the Dark Ages there were very minimal utensils, and surely no spoons to be found. People had to drink their grizzly bear broth by bringing the skull of the bear directly up to their mouth and then finger-scooping the boiled brain-broth into their waiting gullets. A dire situation indeed, as bowls also hadn't yet been invented. That is why people routinely drank from skulls of animals, other people, or unborn children.

 

One day, however, this all changed. It was to become the lightest day in all the Dark Ages, now known as the 4th of July, or Independence Day. A smalltime noble named Billy was just finishing up his Saturday afternoon of pillaging local abbeys and plundering their virgins' booties. It was now time for the postgame feast back at White Castle.

 

(And yes, this was the ORIGINAL White Castle in Delaware, not any of those rip-offs lining the s**t-coastal highways of North Jersey.)

 

Billy sat down at his banquet table and demanded to be served by naked unshaved women as was the custom of his time. After eating his fill of pizza and taquitos Billy wanted that perfect taste left in his mouth. Obviously this was guacamole. He had already sent his fork back to the kitchen to be hammered into a sword or battle axe, so this left him with only his dagger. As we all know, eating guacamole with a dagger is not an easy thing, especially when it's a Dagger of Despair, only won by defeating a 7th level Warlock in hand-to-hand combat with a Charisma of higher than eighteen and a knack for finding traps while searching for traps in am enemy's bedroom.

 

This was exactly the dagger that Billy had, and since he didn't relish the idea of slicing off his own tongue with it or leaving guacamole corrosion all over its solid aluminum blade, he decided to just scoop out some guac with his manhands. His forearm acted as a rotating piston, ending in a steam shovel of flexible tines we now call "fingers". As you can guess, this was glorious, and all of the unshaved serving wenches instantly got pregnant when they saw him elbow deep in guacamole and machismo.

 

After a few weeks of eating every meal this way, Billy's best friend T-Bone Jenkins AKA Lil Jizzy suggested he carve an arm out of wood and use the arm instead of his own to scoop out the food. Billy summarily had Lil Jizzy hanged from the White Castle battlements. Billy didn't take orders from anyone.

 

(Subsequently, this is why African Americans to this day won't eat at White Castle and it is a fast food chain frequented only by grandparents, child molesters, and stoner suburbanites in SUVs. On a sidenote, Lil Jizzy's hanging was NOT beginning of racial tension, nor was it a lynching. In fact, Lil Jizzy was not even black. He was an Asian Jew whose parents were Australian fish mongers.)

 

After Lil Jizzy (R.I.P.) was out of the way Billy was free to do as he pleased, and that meant designing a wooden tool shaped just like his arm to eat his guacamole, gruel, and ice cream with. There were murmurs of treachery and betrayal among the White Castle staff, who knew that Billy had Lil Jizzy killed for just this idea but a murmur is most often described as a "low whisper", so Billy didn't hear it. Besides, Billy was too busy carving his new woody tool and spanking hot virgins with his broadsword (yes, that IS why even today in high society girls are called broads).

 

To dispense with the boring details of the Renaissance, Reformation, and other lesser periods of history, the travels and impact of this new tool, coined "spoon" because it got him lots of poon, is as follows. Please read this list as a causal chain, each event directly causing the event after it to occur:

 

-Because of the spoon's invention and widespread use, people began to eat more semi-solid foods.

 

-Applesauce became very avant garde and other various "sauces" were created.

 

-The term "condiments" is invented. Shortly afterward, the word "condominiums". Strangely, though these words existed, the actual items didn't until the mid 1990's.

 

-Lovers move into separate houses away from their parents. These are not called condominiums (see above) but pre-nuptial lovers begin to have the sex.

 

-Women force men to hold them after intercourse, hence the term "spooning".

 

-The orginal, sex-tastic concept of the spoon is lost as a new castrated connotation takes its place. It is now shameful to spoon or be caught spooning.

 

-Intercourse loses its sparkle and occurs only for the purpose of banging out some new life forms.

 

-The Gerber baby is born and his/her (babies are genderless) face is printed on baby food labels across the world.

 

-People's teeth last longer than their previous average of age nine.

 

-The English language undergoes a transformation due to the presence of teeth. The result is the addition of consonants to a language that previously only had six letters: A, E, I, O, U, and the sound of metal blades cutting through soft tissue and muscle.

 

-Moby Dick is written.

 

-Dick Cheney is born (circa 1640).

 

-People begin to exploit the Earth's natural resources for their own sexual gratification. While this is primarily oil, other resources are mined and summarily wasted as well. These resources include: chestnuts, meatloaf (the loaf), oxygen, hi-speed Internet porn, hot sauce, and Meatloaf (the fat guy).

 

-The car is invented as the ultimate tribute to laziness and man's ability to take something useful (the unicycle) and go too far with it (the Hummer).

 

-People begin having sex in cars, on cars, under cars, and with cars.

 

-New types of transmission lube are designed for the dual purpose of...well...you figure it out.

 

-Cheaper and cheaper cars are made, sacrificing the only foothold in the auto industry that American car makers still had--Quality.

 

-The Kia car company begins churning cars off the assembly line at the rate of twelve cars per second.

 

-Kia cars are sold in checkstand lines at Wal-Mart and used as giveaways at old folks homes' Chinese Auctions.

 

-John D. Rockefeller, J.P. Morgan, the Carnegie guy, and Sting are all killed when their sixteen dollar Kia Sportage rolls all the way down Mt. Washington. It was found to have no emergency brake.

 

-The Kia car company is sued by both fans of Sting. Kia goes out of business and there are no available car parts for the 6.7 billion Kia cars that break down in the U.S. each day.

 

-All the things that Rockefeller, Morgan, and Carnegie would have done to ensure an unstoppable juggernaut American economy---they never happened. On Black Friday in 1929 the market crashes.

 

-Sting never sings or records again, so all is not lost.

 

-Sean "Puffy" Combs writes and records the smash hit "Every Breath You Take".

 

-Danity Kane is signed to Bad Boy Records. Another market crash is pre-destined...

 

 

 

Reviews

[Chiquita]

I feel like I just got off the Scrambler at the amusement park. History as I once knew it lies in a puddle of my own emesis on the ground. All in all, I enjoyed the experience. I was entertained in a twisted sort of way.