How To Write a Profile on a Dating Site

   This is a template for any dating site where one might be looking for a long term relationship, inevitably leading to marriage. To use, simply strike out or add where appropriate. This was my own particular description of self but I've been informed that it seems to fit numerous personality types.

'Hi there!,

   I be a mad, creepy, vile, selfish, self-obsessed, self-centered, old, fat, rude, ruthless, gold-digging, unyielding, unwelcome, gap-toothed, ugly, pock-marked, pimply, sickly, diseased, deformed, half-witted, dumb, stupid, unintelligent, scabby, hated, hateful, boastful, abominable, warty, dreary, boring, poor, greedy, miserly, scungey, finicky, repetitive, smelly, fussy, despicable, rejected, rejecting, horrible, horrifying, parasite-ridden, defective, defect creating, dominating, boring, unloved, unlovable, jealous, unloving, fungus-bearing, irritating, irritated, emotionally-scarred, impious, giggling, filthy, scary, loud-mouthed, repulsive, inferior, sub-standard, calculating, guileless, ruthless, impetuous, insatiable, unstable, emotionally-scarring, emotionally-retarded, cold-hearted, mentally-impaired, mentally-scarred, mentally-scarring, loser, liar and creep.

   Lascivious, infectious, obnoxious, noxious, stinky, sweaty, google-eyed, balding, grey-haired, greasy, bad-tempered, junkie, oily, foul-mouthed, foul-tempered, cruel, wrecked, wasteful, wasted, depleted, unconcerned, tripped-out, disconcerting, discomforting, bad-breathed, glassy-eyed, absent-minded, oblivious, dirty-toothed, insensitive, pustulous, badly-shaven, two-headed, two-faced, double-dealing, back-stabbing, revengeful, spiteful, gossipy, lazy, contemptible, irresponsible, untrustworthy, dirty, chronically-incontinent, flatulent, depressive, depressed, depressing, depressant, boring, rag-wearing, personal hygiene ignorant, freaky, weird, disliked, up-myself, git-faced, twit-faced, twisted, two-timing, sexually-impaired, scab-picking, impatient, insistent, uncontrollable, envious, pretentious, unreliable, cold, two-bit, emotionally-crippled, attention-seeking, narcissistic, pessimistic, cynical, victimizing, oratorical, disappointed, cheap, reprehensible, unsavoury, disinterested, pious, repulsive, demanding, vain, facetious, dour, boring, bigoted, disrespectful, opinionated, penny-ante, filth-mongering, dribbling, suicide-inducing, misery-encouraging, despicable, quibbling, squabbling, game-playing, sniffing, spitting, nose-picking, over-sleeping, ne'er-do-well, small-minded, prudish, proud, arrogant, ignorant, drab, droll, anal-retentive, impulsive, loud-mouthed, disappointing, dullard to whom most people keenly and immensely take an immediate, and very understandably instant, very strong dislike to, (and naturally, very rightfully so).

   Every sentence starts with 'I', and they all go on and on, (and on) about some awfully boring, overly long, dreary story you've probably either;

a.) already heard or;

b.) I have already told you twice before and which bored you senseless the first time you suffered it. A story that concerns some subject which fascinates me, and only me, and I just won't shut up until I've told it to you at least twice more, just to be sure I've exhausted within myself every last minuscule drop of self-satisfying joy from the hearing of my own voice, with its excruciatingly vile sound thereby dominating the room, silencing all other inferiors who I deem should feel deeply honored and appreciative to have been allowed the privilege to have their minds bathed by the pleasure of my self-worshiping, majestic presence and all the wonders I have in my possession to almost magically bestow upon them.

  In short, I have nothing to offer anyone, talk too much and think I'm just great too.

I know that you won't, but I want to take things slow, so nothing too dramatic for a first date.

I'm sure you have some ideas of fun things for me to do. I expect you can cook. I like to expect deserts and desserts. You certainly are going to pay.

   If you feel that we could possibly be a match, please feel free to drop me a line and have a great day, too!'

Reviews

[Andrew Leister-Frazier]

This could be so much funnier without the ending. After that long list I would just write the line "Will you marry me, please?"

[Brett Hernan]

That constructive criticism is greatly appreciated Andrew and my apologies for neglecting to respond to you! I literally hadn't seen that you'd made a comment, and thanks for it.

[alanwgraham]

I used this damned template and am now married to a mirror image of the above. Help! Have you written a getting out of marriage template. I am at my wits end!

[Brett Hernan]

Actually, the same thing happened to me, Alan, so I thought I'd let the world swing cupid's way and unleash it upon everyone...
The best way to deal with anyone like the above is just to accept them for what they are, after all we're all only human!
Speak to them gently, from a 'like' perspective and you'll find them suddenly, willingly responsive for at least 5 seconds, (or maybe more!)
But you can still do a lot in 5 seconds, if you plan ahead.

[alanwgraham]

Thanks brett. I'll go for it!