Eyes Awake, Hearts Still Sleep

 

 

getting drunk and ready to fight

your hands smell like cigarette smoke

you trace 'I'm sorry'

down the curve of my jaw

 

my kisses smell like cheap whiskey

but they say

"I'm sorry too"

 

we drink to our short-comings

making a silent pact

not to talk of them

 

and as the wind flits through the blinds

we realize too late

we now have nothing to say

Reviews

[roarke]

kind of like when the music stops but the carousel ride isn't over...

[Sweet & Tender Hooligan]

I love the title. The title of your poem drew me to it. From only seeing the title in my news feed I didn't expect the poem I read. Your imagery and wording is more interesting in the longer lines. However the shorter lines and the opening line don't do much justice to the beauty and thoughtfulness of the longer lines or to the title itself.
I can't tell anyone how to write or how not to write. Has its your poem and your intentions and voice. However I'd take the first line out and start with the second line and make the next two lines of that stanza into just one line. So that it would read "Your hands smell like cigarette smoke/you trace 'I'm sorry' down the curve of my jaw." I think that would heighten the effect of the start of your poem. And also leave more for the reader to think about. With less said. But with a bigger impact.
Also you could even make the rest of the stanzas into just two lines if that's possible. So that it would become four stanzas of two lines. Other than that your poem makes the reader think and you create some interesting imagery. All in all its a interesting piece well written but needing just a few tweaks to make it even more thought provoking.

[Dr.Who.LOVER]

Awesome. I love it. Really good. I could see everything in this writitng peace.
One of my favorites! ^_^

[Leap]

Breaks my heart. "you trace 'I'm sorry' / down the curve of my jaw" --- lovely imagery. The entire last stanza is flawless.

[Desert Dreamer]

Profound yet sad...those last two lines will stay with me for a while,
"we realize too late
we now have nothing to say".
I am left thinking that we are better off talking about our shortcomings, bringing them into the open...silence is a poison to love.

[Ed Hart]

sad beyond counting...honest, revealing...the path well-traveled by...there are so few examples to show us...we don't know how to do it...we hope while our hearts shrink

[.]

it says to much, even though you have nothing to say..flowed well..I loved it

[Restlesslittlesoul]

Wow! I think I am in love!

This is poetry! This is what true poetry is to me!

Everything about it, every single line... Exquisite!
And No Surface But All Feeling, the Manic Street Preachers would sing...

All feeling... I feel it!

[fireblossom]

Nice. Interesting scene. Ironic. Good poetry.

[DavidRyanM]

I like the idea of only having your flaws to talk about. And then nothing....also, the real moment of being romantic with someone and then, a split second later, feeling a thousand miles away from them -- or too close is another way to look at it. Loved it, dear.