Stars

Can’t say we’re meeting again.
Can’t say I’ve met you before. But
we’re sharing the same stars tonight,
and these stars I can’t ignore.

Just like a first time,
laying your cares on me.
There’s a city dancing outside of these walls,
but you’re as far as I can see.

Time was just sleeping,
stepped down from its throne.
It let us carousal alone,
so we let go of all we’ve known.

How many times you’ve walked in,
with your Asics and pseudo confidence.
How many times you said my name,
it’ll haunt me baby, until the end of days.

That spot by the river,
where those stars made me shiver;
Our bed in the skyline,
making my imagination quiver.

I’ll neglect the farewell
and promise never to dwell.
And you’ll keep wearing that smile on your face,
so well.

Can’t say we’re meeting again.
Can’t say I’ve met you before. But
we’re sharing the same stars tonight,
and these stars I can’t ignore.

Reviews

[Everett DeValle]

Your emotions are good, in your lovely flow...its funny, how you can look at the stars and wonder if that other person looks at the same stars and think about you...really deep...I like how you are developing your poetic voice...it will only get better with time.

[MachinaWriter]

I rather like this one. You know I like repetition. I read a few comments on the rhyme scheme needing to be tightened and I have some thoughts on that. Your rhyme placement is fine, but you should experiment with the formatting. Placing the words on different lines or separated by extended spaces. Typography can actually help lend an element of rhythm to the way a person reads your work. Experiment with it. If you need some specific examples, send me a message and I'll work something up for you. Your rhyme scheme is fine, it's the cadence with which the average reader is reading the lines that's making it seem otherwise. I personally read through it fine and loved the entire piece and think it rhymes exactly where it needs to. But you need to give the reader a helping hand in determining the rhythm and what I advised is a pretty good method of accomplishing that.

[SuspectGray]

I do like the rhyme even if it is a little inconsistent. Since you enjoy the challenge of structure, try counting syllables. That should help you tighten things up. ( : O )

[Sheila Kline]

I like the way you start and end the poem with the same 4 lines - makes it somewhat like a song.

There are several lines that I prefer..........
Time was just sleeping
stepped down from its throne
.....creates quite a nice visual for me!

The only advice I would offer is to perhaps be a bit more consistent with your rhyme words as they seem to appear not in any special order, or they are in a form I am not familiar with. Rhyming is a form I have had to work hard to be consistent, and I am still working with it...ugh!

Lovely thoughts!!

[Lavon Forkeeps]

I've noticed that my biggest issue with the rhyming comes along with the change of tempo, that I like to bring forward. I will work on that! thank you!

[Pencrafter]

Your poem embodies the concept of capturing a moment in time. Our lives are like waves, with troughs and peaks, ups and downs. Some moments are naturally going to be much better than others. It's the memories of those moments that helps us endure the low points. And sometimes life is like a carousel, bringing contact with a new friend, then carrying them away. It's an interesting poem.

[Lina Grey]

This is a beautiful piece. The gentle flow, benign use of imagery, and pleasant tone, it's all very captivating. This poem would go nicely with a placid little melody. Thank you.

[Moflo]

I love the concept of this piece, the whole watching the same stars was always interesting me. Nicely worded and nice imagery. Good work.