Through My Eyes

A Story by Child of God

Its not that I don't want to, I'm afraid. I don't know what's on the other side. I don't know what torment would await me. I'm sure that's what he wants. He wants me to give in, and to lose. I try my hardest not to, but sometimes it's just too much to bare. Somehow I still manage to help others when its myself I should be worrying about. What's wrong with me? Why can't I just be normal? Every other kid my age is working, living on their own, and enjoying life. I'm watching from the shadows afraid to join them. I was always different. For as long as I can remember I never really fit in anywhere. I always felt like I didn't belong in this world. Like god brought me here too soon, or too late. Maybe I'm wrong, but life has its ways of proving me right. Maybe I was supposed to be another every day abortion child, and my mother made the mistake of keeping me. I bet that's it. Oh well, nothing I can do about that. You'd think now would be the time to make something of this bad situation, but that's just not my style. I'm one of those idiots who bottles things up and hopes they get fixed by themselves. Which is probably why I won't live that long. Eventually my problems will catch up with me, and claim the life they've worked so hard to steal. I will then cease to exist. I don't expect anyone to miss or remember me much after I'm gone. Some will pretend to, and others will tell the truth about what I am. They will tell the evil things I did throughout my life. Then the whole world would know what I am. Or at least everyone I know anyway. They will know how the nice guy they thought they knew caused nothing but pain for others for most of his life; and when he finally started to do good it was too late. The darkness that built up inside of him had already consumed his soul, and what was left of his heart. Now he goes around faking smiles and trying to save others from suffering the same fate. Some will look at my lifeless body, and remember how kind and peaceful I was. Most will look and remember how they suffered at my hands. And I will look down from heaven and wish I could take it all back. I will remember how just before I died my life flashed before me reminding me how much pain I really caused. The dreams and visions that kept me up night after night could never compare to what was displayed before my eyes that night. As the blood flowed from my veins to the floor, I sat there in silence waiting for the end. As the blood grew thicker, so did my thoughts. I remembered the few good memories I somehow managed to keep locked away all these years. Times of happiness and placidity. I had almost forgotten they were there. As the world faded within my eyes I wrote on the wall in my own blood, “to my sister, thank you for everything you've done for me I'll always love you.”. I never knew it, but she cried the most that day. To this day she has the very last text I ever sent her. It reads, “I love you sister dear no matter what happens ill always be here for you <3.” She looks at it when she's close to breaking. It reminds her to stay strong and to keep going, because that's what I would've wanted. I look down on her and smile. I see how much she has grown since I've been gone. I'm proud of the woman shes become. She helps others stay on the right path just as I did. Ten years passes, and still she and my brother both miss me as much as they did the day I was shot and killed during a home invasion. I still look down on them and smile while they play with their daughter I never got to meet. Then everything fades to black as if a movie is ending. Then I awaken in the middle of the night alone and slightly scared. Last night was the last time something like this has occurred, but I still see it like it was happening now. I'll never forget the last time I awoke from this nightmare of sorts. I looked at my phone upon regaining consciousness. There was a message that read, “you don't need to be doing this.” Since then the dream has stopped, and I'm finally at peace. It's dreams like these that make me think I'm supposed to die. If I wasn't I would live. It makes me think everyone would have a happier and better life without me like they do in my dreams. Every night the blade of my knife calls to me. Her voice so faint, like a whisper in the wind. It promises happiness, and peace of mind. Things I've longed for since I was a young boy. Each night it gets harder and harder to refuse. It's times like this that the voice comforts me. He tells me to stay strong, and to stay away from the evil that offers me false hope. He's always been there for me, and is my best and closest friend. I could turn to him for anything. There is nothing too tough or too hard for him to deal with. I envy him. He's never scared, always confident, and embraces life. I'd be lucky to have even one of those qualities. I try to emulate him, but fail. My attempts to change were futile. I realized I'd never be anything close to him. That only made things worse, and gave him more reason to comfort me. “Don't give up.”, he tells me. “you have a lot more going for you than you will ever understand.” After awhile he was gone. I made new friends. I learned what love, and loyalty felt like. The first was Chase. I had met him before in third grade, but never really talked to him much. He was alone too. We understood each other well. We both told stories of a dark and lonely past. To this day we stick by each other through everything. He's saved me more times than I can count, and I was always willing to return the favor. I know in my heart I don't deserve a friend like him, but that doesn't mean I'm not grateful. Next came Christian. He was a friend of my brothers I met in school. He was friendly, and kind. It was the kindness than blinded me from reality. At first he was someone I'd come to in my time of need. I soon figured out he only put up with me simply because of who I'm related to. At least that's how it feels. I wish I hadn't been so blind, but we all make mistakes. It's people like him that gives me trust issues. It's also the reason I've kept myself distant from everyone I've come in contact with. It seems to be the only way to keep from being screwed over. Throughout the years I've made many friends, but only trusted a few of them. The next to be trusted was Matthew, but we call him Bubba. I owe him my life. He saved me and my brother from drowning in a river while fishing. It was the only time I've ever been scared to die. I'll never forget how cold the water was, and the feeling of the current trying to push me forward. A feeling that stayed with me long after I was out of the water. We've been through a lot, Bubba and I. Out of all my friends he will always be the one I trust most. It's been hard these last few years. His visits get more and more distant. One of life's many casualties. Going through school without him or my brother Chris was hard at times. Chase helped as much as he could, but sometimes it wasn't enough. That's when I met Zac. He was quiet too. It was his quietness that first brought me out of my shell. We became really close over my last year of school. He taught me how to value friendship, and appreciate life. Although he too suffered from minor depression, he knew how to deal with it better than I ever could. I haven't heard from him in awhile. I miss sitting in the gym waiting for school to start, and talking the hours away. I remember it fondly for it's one of the few good memories I have left. Sometimes when I close my eyes I can still see him sitting there smiling as I enter the room. It's a sight I feel I'll never forget. After school, the rules of life had changed. The problems got harder, the journey farther, and the rules became more strict. The world grew darker and colder the more I ventured into it. Everything I had once known was now a distant memory. This scared me even more. I wasn't ready, but I had no choice. At first things started out ok. I had a job, and I was starting my new life. Once reality set in I panicked. I quit my job and hid from the world. I still don't feel ready enough to face the truth, but I know it's time to. I plan to pick up where I left off, and go from there. I know its not much of a plan, but it's better than nothing. My new goal is to become a councilor. I like helping people, and letting them know someone out there cares. I look forward to that adventure, but ill never get there if I'm stuck at the starting line. I'll also do stand up comedy on the side. I like bringing joy and laughter to peoples lives. It's one of the only things that's ever brought me joy. Sorry, I didn't mean to digress. When my mind wanders it's hard to stop it. Years later I met Kim. We met by accident, but I don't regret it. She too had a dark past. Much darker than mine. The day we met in person was like no other day I've ever experienced. We spent the whole day walking through the park talking. I had never seen someone smile so much in my life. I did more listening than talking, but her incessant story telling kept me wanting to know more about her. Her life was so much more interesting than mine. I guess you could say I sort of envied her. What caught my attention most was her eyes. They were the most gorgeous shade of blue you've ever seen. Only god could create such a color. The more I looked into them the more comfortable I became. It was a strange, but wonderful feeling. As the days progressed we spent more and more time together. I was once again happy and care free. For the moment anyway. When she left to go back home after her semester ended, it was like a part of me went with her. I haven't felt like myself in days. Even now I feel empty, but one good thing did come from it. She introduced me to my newest friend, his name is Adam. I haven't known him long, but he's been there for me a lot lately. Just the other day I was contemplating suicide, and he didn't hesitate to call me and calm my nerves. I can tell he genuinely cares about me. He still checks in on me every day. I hope we stay friends for life, but that proves to be a hard feat. He's transferring to another school next year, so staying in touch will be a little harder. I intend to do everything in my power to preserve our friendship. I know if I don't I'll never make another friend like him. The same could be said about Ben. The first time we met I judged him harshly. By the way he was dressed, and the way he talked I figured he was just like my brother. I later learned there was a much deeper side of him. A side that had been wronged worse than I. His pain was ever present in his grayish green eyes. He understood me more than any of the others. I truly consider him a brother. Not just in spirit, but in blood as well. We've spent a decent amount of time together recently, and I've gotten to know him fairly well. He allowed me to venture deep within his mind, and expose a side of him rarely seen by others. It was through this experience that I gained a new understanding of life. I learned that the true path to happiness lies within suffering. It's the pain that inspires us to fight for the peace we so desperately crave.