BETTER

This is a story about a hidden feeling.

I look at myself in the mirror while combing my hair. I did some facial expressions that would make me look fair.

I thought to myself, I am smart and cute and we would look like a couple with this dress and his suit"

A pounding sound on my front door made me pause. I ran fast to open it, I saw him drunk and my mind was running fast 'what could be the cause'.

I helped him sit on the sofa and as I went to a straight posture I sighed. "Is it her again? the reason why you always cry?"

He answered and said, "I try and I try, but there's no use, she finally made a decision, end our relationship and now I want to die, I am of no use".

I want to tell him 'Get a hold of yourself you fool! if you have chosen to love me than her then the world for you would not be cruel' but I did not. Instead I said, "lay down for a while in there, I will just get some warm water to make you feel better".

As I came back, he was already fast asleep. I tend to wipe a little tear in his eyes. I do not know if to touch him I am authorize but one thing is for sure it felt nice deep inside as all emotions within me arise.

As I stare at his face, I can't help it. I whisper the words that would finally convey my feelings towards him. 

I am better than your girlfriend

I am better than the other girls you've met

I am better than all of them

better than your crushes...

He slowly turned his back at me in the sofa as I finished saying the words. I was hurt. In my heart is a deep hole.

I was stunned. He responded. "I know".

Author's Note

Please try to review if this is alright. Just playing with words in here.

Reviews

[Dr. YumnaKay]

The idea of holding back emotions and that of hurt are clearly depicted here. However, there are certain parts that you need to rework. Like those of the dialogue delivery and the female character's thoughts.
And these lines here, for example:

"I do not know if to touch him I am authorize but one thing is for sure it felt nice deep inside as all emotions within me arise."

Here, you need to do the sequencing of tenses right.

There are few more (minor) errors in this write which if you would pay attention to, would make it a better read than it already is.

Regardless, I liked the general idea and how you laid it out.

[CAPOLAVORO]

Thank you so much. I would try to do that next time. :) I am really that not good still in sequencing. This review helped me.

[Dr. YumnaKay]

I think you have the potential and if you practice writing daily, I'm sure you'll get the hang of it ☺
I hope this review didn't appear harsh.
You're welcome ☺

[CAPOLAVORO]

Nope. Not at all. I appreciate it. :)

[Dr. YumnaKay]

I'm glad ☺

[Kathy Van Kurin]

CAPOLAVORO,
The tale within this poem is so self revealing. The lady in the piece is trying to be and hope for a relationship. The fellow is not really stable and a stand up guy. "A pounding on my front door.....I saw him drunk." My goodness! She should just lock her door. Is she putting herself in danger? People can be desperate when it comes to wanting to have love. This is a good story though and I can see it being part of something larger. Blessings, Kathy

[CAPOLAVORO]

Thank you so much Kathy. haha sometimes people really do all for love. :)

[Kathy Van Kurin]

You are welcome! It can get complicated sometimes but what to do. I guess we just think and try to live in a way that is good. This story of yours pretty multi-faceted in context at least in the mind of the lady.........Bless you much.

[Najam Us Saher]

I like the end. I could picture this in my mind such was the description. Loved it.

[CAPOLAVORO]

Thank you so much. I made it with pure love. :)

[Najam Us Saher]

I could feel that emotion.

[CAPOLAVORO]

Hehe I am guessing you can relate to that. Do you have some hidden feelings in there?

[Najam Us Saher]

No I just liked the emotions and the story.

[Ernest Yungsi]

Nice idea and you have a good voice but you could make it more poetic and dramatic. Allow me to demonstrate what I mean. This is what first comes to my mind as I read through...Notice it is the same story but I use a different way to tell it...
I’m a thief, stealing glances at myself in the mirror,
As I comb my hair.
I’m a clown, trying on different facial expressions, to pick a winner, who makes me look fair.
My thoughts run this way: Smart plus cute, equals me, multiplied by this dress plus his suit, equals the perfect couple.

The pounding of my heart becomes a pounding at the door.
My brain commands my feet to run, and I’m at the door in a wink.
But why is he staggering?
Oh my God, he’s drunk.
“Why? Oh Why?”
And then check the spelling of certain words like in the following paragraph, you spell "than" like "then"
I am better then your girlfriend

I am better than the other girls you've met

I am better then all of them

better than your crushes...

I hope this helps

[CAPOLAVORO]

Thank you so much for this one. Yours is a lot better though. I would try to improve as much as possible. Lol I expect someone would notice that. hehe I just got lazy in editing and forgot my typos. I will just edit it later. :)

[Surya]

You Played well with words.No mistakes to point out, here.Everyone has their own way of writing, we call it as own voice.
Thank you for sharing.

[CAPOLAVORO]

Thank you so much. It is good to know that someone appreciate it as well. :)