Untitled

I kissed the stars

on her body,

her skies,

were never as beautiful as yours.

I used to imagine you were her,

now,

I imagine she is you.

What irony.

The guilty conscience 

a living man's hell.

An empty heart,

slowly tearing me apart.

You were lost,

in the blackness of deceit.

So, I throw some salt 

over my shoulder,

lay your bones to rest,

and I swallow,

my pain,

my past,

and now...

I settle.

For her.

Reviews

[Dead]

Stars and skies typically represent freedom and dreams: are you trying to allude to that when this man first picked up this women, that he thought of her as a better prospect than his past partner?
I see this is taken down by and antithesis: good.
"I used to imagine you were here... I imagine she is you." Nice transition but there is no literal reason presented to why he switched to the new girl.
"What Irony." It's show not tell. It would be greater if you could put his own opinion on the subject rather than admitting what the audience is aware of.
" An empty heart" You can use this but it is a cliche, so consider alternatives.
"Throw some salt over my shoulder" Some is not needed unless you are going for a specific rhythm pattern. That phrase though is meant to avoid bad luck but not a sign of repentance in any way, which would be more appropriate.

The rest is merely a metaphor for putting the past to rest, I understand.

The question with the literal is why doesn't the protagonist fight back or switch the girl he is with? He has done it before, and with a far better girl.
I read this again and could not see a metaphor to something classical, I am supposed to take this at face value? Everything could allude to something lost due to lying aside from a girl, but the words " An empty heart" prevent this from having a wide array of subjects other than the heart.

I want you to do something.
Take a look on this site, a random poetry search; and see how many poems are related to losing a past lover, with no subtext or classical allusions. Also take note that they have no traditional style, and they are blitz, free verse, or poetry that has no form. There is nothing that separates this from the norm. If you put an allusion to an item from the past lover, or a few hidden jokes it would make this piece far more unique. Also, I wanted to note that if you choose a traditional style then you can mess with its connotations. For example, if you made this a sonnet then you could play a joke on the audience. Sonnets represent love and light, and a distortion of this could provide further to the sense of irony you are trying to create. Aside from this, rhythm seems choppy in this, since every sentence is relatively short, and assuming you want to convey a complex thought, you would use longer sentences like the poets of old.

Remember that I am merely a commentator, and that you do not have to accept anything I believe or say, and, if you wish, you can continue on your own path: I am crazy, so not listening to me is actually reasonable. :)

Look up the best poets on this site, and gain their input. They are more aware of style in poetry than I. Until next time. Cheers.