Chapter 2 ~ Light in Shadow

He was dead.

That was an undeniable fact.

Splintering bone, tearing flesh, and the breath being forced from his lungs as his body smashed through glass was something he could still feel viscerally. Even as time passed by, unknowable and yet somehow sensed all the same, the sensory memory refused to depart. 

Maybe that’s what I get for buying used?

It was a shame too because he’d gotten the car for a damn good price considering the mileage. Of course, the seatbelts had been too many years too old; the locking mechanisms were worn down from the passage of time. They would get stuck when he needed to get out and on rare occasions they wouldn’t completely lock when fully inserted. He’d thought he simply forgot to strap himself in all the way the first time it happened. An internet search brought up the fact that they wore down just like any other part of a vehicle and would need to be replaced eventually. It had been his intention to do so, but life kept happening, and he’d never gotten around to it.

So it seemed inevitable then, that they would break when his little nineteen-ninety two four-door got rear ended at the intersection near the grocery store. That too, just as he was slowing to a stop. Clear though the memory was now, he had barely registered it at the time; the force of the impact jarring his organs while the seat belt itself tightened painfully in a valiant attempt to keep his body in place.

Alas, he mused. It simply wasn’t meant to be.

Whoever crashed into him must have been going really damn fast, because the next thing he knew, his ribs became very intimate with his steering wheel. If it had stopped there, that still would have been the end of him, but it was as if physics had decided to take a day off. His body continued, leaving some intestine trailing behind, allowing him to enjoy the sensation of asphalt grating flesh from his face like so much parmesan cheese when they collided. He keenly recalled his right eye vacating its socket as he rag-dolled end over end, fracturing in the process. The weight of thousands of pounds of metal running over his legs had been an afterthought.

And still, all he could think of was her.

Her and those stupid eggs. One dozen f*****g goddamned eggs. Like a lot of things, he had forgotten to pick them up on the way home from work that day even though he’d promised. Forced by his absentmindedness and necessity, dinner had been changed to spaghetti; not exactly his most favorite dish but she loved the stuff. Yet they were completely out of eggs and she needed them for breakfast the following morning. She loved eggs too, from omelets to boiled and especially deviled eggs, and he wasn’t going to be the reason she missed out.

So off he went.

And off he died.

The pain was excruciating. Would have been a small mercy if he’d died right then and there, but lucky for him, he got to live for a few more moments. Somehow. In any event, he didn’t pass out despite his growing list of injuries. He had a surprisingly high tolerance for pain and a good constitution from years practicing martial arts, both eastern and western, as well as being a consummate gym rat.

So he remained terribly conscious.

The feel of his life slipping away, blood leaking from numerous cuts, scrapes, and the spot where his ribs were poking out of his sides, was surreal. His head was spinning and his ears were ringing. Focus was almost impossible, but the pain helped. So much pain. His remaining eye zeroed in on a tiny little black box that had spilled out of his shirt pocket. The momentum of his ejection left it mere inches from his fingertips. He could clearly see a silver band inside, the gleam of the diamond flecked with blood somehow shining brightly in the night. The jeweler had done a wonderful job on the engraving.

Aster, my light in darkness.

He reached for it. Then everything turned black and he died.

Now he was here.

Where here was he wasn’t sure in the slightest. It was all black, a dark deeper than any moonless night he’d ever known. As far out as he could see, if sight was what this could be called, was a limitless expanse of shadow. He was blind and yet he had a strange awareness of things. He knew he was somewhere. He was also aware of his own presence and the absolute absence of anyone and anything besides himself.

He was aware that he was cold.

It wasn’t freezing, thankfully, but it was the uncomfortable cold of a night in the woods without a blanket. Frankly, he was amazed he could feel anything at all. Besides being dead and blind, he didn’t have a body anymore. It was something he had become aware of almost immediately after everything had gone dark. The transition from pain and agony over to cold, nearly numb, darkness had happened so quickly it was jarring. Once the pain was gone, his mind was free to begin taking stock of injuries only to almost immediately seize up when it found him divorced from anything resembling physicality. Hands and feet were nonexistent; there was no chest, no heart, lungs, or head. There was no need to breathe or blink. He suddenly lacked all capability.

Even if he had wanted to, he couldn’t scream, as he had no mouth.

The urge to smirk enveloped him as he was reminded of a story he’d read once upon a time that had a similar fate befall one of its characters. Of course, there would be none of that as he was now truly formless.

Small blessings I guess, he thought. At least he could still hear his own thoughts. Could be worse. I could be on fire.

To him death could only end up being one of three things; a place of burning hellfire, the soothing warmth of paradise, or nonexistence. This strange cold was something he didn’t expect, although, he supposed he should have. By most accounts death was supposed to be cold, but he’d always chocked that up to the biological process of the body shutting down. Even so, as afterlives went, he supposed this wasn’t all that bad. It was preferable to burning in agony, being tortured by demons and devils, or the ironic punishments of the other varied underworld mythologies. A happy, peaceful, paradise would have been great.

But if I can’t have that well…

Seth wasn’t a believer by any stretch of the word. A conservatively religious family and the constant bombardment of atrocities covered by the ever worsening daily news and net relieved him of such ridiculous notions in his adolescence. In spite of that, or perhaps because of it, Seth’s interest in religion and theology was purely academic. He’d studied a lot, both in college and out. If not for falling in love with the world of HEMA and the SCA, he probably would have become a professor of theology. Still, he was by no means an expert. He was aware of how annoying he could be when he got going though. Many of his coworkers called him the a*****e atheist. His Aster was the believer between the two of them. She would have known right away what was going on.

But none of that matters anymore apparently, he sighed in his mind. Not like it would have prepared me for this endless nothingness anyway.

So he wandered.

If I can even call it that.

Seth was just a consciousness alone in the dark and cold.

Even so, he felt like he was moving. Forward, backward, up, and down; he wandered in any and all directions, exploring the vast illimitable emptiness of his death. Seth was unsure, however, if being able to sense the passage of time was helpful. Despite the fact that he felt time passing, he was unable to grasp how much time had gone by. It was similar to a bad experience he’d once had with recreational drugs, where time seemed to fold in on itself. He supposed the only real difference was that he wasn’t violently nauseous this go around.

The only thing that broke the monotony of this new existence was Aster.

She was his constant companion. He thought about her most of all; his girlfriend of three years. They lived together, shared the warmth of each other’s bodies, their thoughts and laughter, hopes and dreams. Aster had grown up an orphan, abandoned at a fire station by her mother, and quickly taken into the system. Foster home to foster home had seen her grow up to become guarded but full of compassion for the kids who had been through what she had. After the two of them started dating, Seth had quickly introduced her to his mom and dad, his big brothers Marcos and Josue, and his little sister Sandra. His family had become Aster’s.

Seth found it both a blessing and a curse that she wasn’t here with him.

But there was a deep and abiding fear in him; fear that his death had done her too much harm. Knowing her, she would have mourned him greatly. Never once did Seth doubt Aster’s love for him. In fact more than once had she proudly informed him that if he died before her she would either meet him in heaven or hunt him down in their next life. Being the non-believer that he was, Seth had always felt it was cute if a bit absurd. Humans only got one chance at life. Nothing existed after a person died and nothing in existence could convince him otherwise.

Yet he was here.

Alone, trapped, with the undeniable reality of this new existence crucifying him with the knowledge that there was indeed something after death. To Seth, atheist that he was, it was unbearable because wherever here was it was nowhere that she could be. No one else had shown themselves in the indiscernible expanse of time in which he had gained awareness. Searched though he had this place had proven to be nothing more than a vast emptiness. If he only based his assumptions on that he knew he was without company. And if this was a prison then Seth was certain he was its only inmate. Worse still, he was powerless to escape, powerless to know anything beyond this endless, impenetrable darkness.

Naturally, doubt began to plague him.

Is she okay? Is she alive? Thoughts began to pile up and swirl in his mind, swiftly tumbling out of control. Does she know I’m dead? Has she found someone else? Is she happy? What if she’s forgotten about me? No, she’d never. I was everything to her! Wasn’t I? Such musings only grew worse. Unable to know anything else it was impossible to keep his mind from spiraling into the most terrible scenarios imaginable.

It wouldn’t shut up.

That same voice seemed to repeat all of his regrets, over and over again on an endless loop. If only he hadn’t procrastinated. Seth regretted that he’d waited so long to buy the ring. He regretted not taking that trip to Ireland with Aster or moving to away from the city they’d grown up in. He should have gotten her the cat she’d wanted. That job he’d passed up for his desire to keep teaching fencing could have gotten them a better life. The voice of his self-deprecation examined every perceived failing leading up to the crash and tormented him with them. It threw them in his face, taunting him with a myriad of paths not taken.

Such things continued without deviation; his life, his death, Aster, concern for her, his failings, and ultimately his despair. Seth had absolutely no control over this. Even though he tried and tried to find something positive about the situation, he simply  couldn’t. This went on for so long Seth was beginning to think he was going insane.

And then inexplicably, something changed.

He almost didn’t notice it at first. He was preoccupied with imagining what life would have been like if they’d moved to Japan. The thought of sunlight streaming through the branches of cherry blossom trees falling across Aster’s face brought him some small measure of comfort. But that was impossible here in this place devoid of…Then he saw it. In the distance, at the furthest edges of what he could perceive, a light appeared. A pinprick of something other than darkness. It cut through the shadow, a towering pillar of burning white. And though there was nothing to illuminate, it shone brightly enough that it made him wish he still possessed eyelids that could close.

Shock registered in him. That was pain he was feeling. Pain caused by the unnatural brightness in his field of vision. What was more, Seth heard something. Sound broke the silence that had suffocated him for so long he’d almost forgotten about noise altogether. For a moment, his mind couldn’t process what it was that he was hearing. But then it did. It was a voice, strong, yet quavering, speaking words he could not understand. It was feminine and for a moment he fooled himself into believing it was her; Aster, calling out to him.

Realization stirred the dormant embers of hope within his being as he stared at the blazing column. Something has broken through…no. Someone has broken through!

For the first time in he knew not how long, Seth was no longer alone. Unwilling to wait a second longer he willed himself to the light. And just like that, he was there. He gazed at in awe. A massive fissure rent the curtain of night. From somewhere on the other side, radiance spilled into his empty world from the ruptured darkness. Excruciating though it was to see he couldn’t dare to look away. It was bright and burning and warm. And he could sense it. A force beyond this sudden dawn called to him, pleading with him to abandon his prison of solitude and cross over to the other side.

For a brief moment, indecision plagued him.

What was waiting beyond the light? Was it the world left behind? If he left, would he be the same? Would Aster be waiting for him there? If she was, would she even recognize him? Would he know it was her?

Those strange unknowable words called out again, echoing through his very being. As they did, for the briefest moment, he thought that he could feel her. Aster? The familiar sensation of tears welling at the corners of his eyes built up, threatening to spill over. Ah, it must be some trick of my mind. Even so, he felt her warm and familiar embrace beyond the blinding shine.

F**k it. He missed her too much to stay here any longer.

Seth threw himself into the light.

Reviews

[Dewella~Vintella]

Very interesting...at first I was a but confused given the last chapter but then I quickly formed some ideas as to where this but was going and I think I guessed accurately, we will find out. Either way this was done very well, I felt trapped in that vast nothingness with him, contemplating fate and the life left behind. Very well done and I can't to find out what happens. On to the next!

[Caradoc]

Thanks a lot for checking this out. I’m glad I was able to convey the sense of isolation and imprisonment he feels. The next few chapters are gonna pick up where we left off with her.