A Deep Sea of Hunger

The smell of the lake washed over them as they lay on the dock, their feet dangling in the water. The warm summer air had turned into a chilling breeze, which had caused goose bumps to form on Ava’s pale pink flesh. Ava pretended not to notice as Mason twirled a strand of her long blonde hair between his fingers. She kept her eyes fixed on the stars, but she couldn’t ignore his presence. She could feel every fiber in her body being drawn to him.

They had an unspoken attraction. Nobody else would have ever guessed, but they knew. They communicated it with discreet looks and touches. Ava’s attraction grew with the notion that she couldn’t have him. Even though they had parted ways months ago, Mason once belonged to Natalie. Ava couldn’t help but resent her sister for this. Natalie didn’t deserve Mason. She didn’t love Mason, but still Ava couldn’t have him. He was forbidden fruit.

Mason had dropped Ava’s hair and his hands were at his sides. His breathing was so loud and steady that Ava wondered if he had fallen asleep. She propped herself up on her elbows to look at him.

“Are you tired?” She asked

“Not so much.” He replied, coming at her with a deep and passionate kiss.

A shock ran through Ava’s body as she fell back. She tried to fight it, but she had spent a year fighting. She gave up, and succumbed to her hunger, kissing him back fervently and running her hands through his hair. They were lost in a deep sea of desire. Any feelings of guilt were expelled from their minds as they got lost in the abyss.

After some time, Ava pulled away from Mason. A wave of guilt crashed against her, pushing her further from his reach. She stood up to find her dress. The white fabric was the only thing that glowed in the moonlight. She hastily tugged it on, and walked away from Mason. He trailed behind her, stepping into his jeans. Tears flowed freely down her face. Ava was completely consumed by her emotions. She didn’t know it was even possible to feel this much. She had been waiting forever to kiss Mason, but not like that. She balanced herself against a tree as Mason put a hand on her trembling shoulder.

“Relax,” He said “It’s okay.”

She turned towards him.

“I have feelings for you!” She said for the first time in her life.

The words hung in the air as they both absorbed them. Of course they had always known it, but to hear it spoken was overwhelming.

“I know.” Mason said as he hung his head.

“Natalie…” Ava began.

It was too hard to bring up her sister. They couldn’t talk about it now.

“I know.” Mason said again, holding her against his chest.

Ava melted against him, hoping he would come up with something that could vindicate what just happened. It didn’t matter how strongly they felt for each other, Natalie would never understand. Ava’s mind worked hard, trying to come up with some way of justifying it, some way that Natalie could accept it. She came up with nothing.

Mason walked Ava back to her house that night and kissed her goodbye. She stayed in his arms for as long as she could. They both knew that what just happened could never happen again. They were left with this undying hunger. Now they had to go on, pretending that nothing had ever happened. Ava was starving for more, but she would never get more. They had taken a bite of the forbidden fruit, and now they had to suffer the damnation.

Author's Note

I don't usually write love stories. Just trying something new. First draft.

Reviews

[KeeD]

You know from the first story I read of yours, I've loved your ability to mold characters and give them such life through words. Since it's a first draft and i'm totally a fan of your writing and I know your ability and command over language I won't point out any edits. You're good, this was amazing, pen on!

[Carly]

Thanks! I appreciate your feedback :)

[krish]

if this is your's 1st draft,then it's really cool.......
this is your's first time of story,then i'd tell u nothing about disadvantages....
but.......ur's overall package was good.....well written..........
but describe it briefly.....................
have a nice day...........

[Carly]

Thanks for the review!

[piercefulkerson]

Really good character development , i also really loved the flow of emotional development , the setting gave an overflow of imagery for me , so overall a very cool piece . i'm not sure if you meant to objectify the boy but i feel like if you do romance again giving the other character some life also might do you some good.

[Carly]

Hmm that was definitely unintentional, though maybe subconscious...

Thanks for reading!

[snaprabbit]

“into a chilling breeze, which had caused” – you don’t really need the “had” in here. I’m nitpicking, but the sentence flows a bit better without it.

“Ava’s pale pink flesh. Ava pretended not to” – just replace the second “Ava” with she. We know who you’re talking about and it’s best not to repeat names too much.

“fiber” – dunno if this is just because I’m from Scotland, but we spell it fibre.

Having the sister as a block is a nice touch, and good parallel with the “forbidden fruit.”

“Not so much.” He replied. – okay, little technical thing here. When you have a line like this it should always be a comma at the end of the speech – “Not so much,” he replied. – it’s only a full stop if the speech is followed by an action of some sort. I.e. “Not so much.” He looked at her.

“coming at her with a deep and passionate kiss.” – for me, having the whole “deep and passionate” thing actually detracts from the effect. You want to make it clear that Ava is surprised, so it might be better to have a blunt statement – “he replied, then kissed her.” – that way it’s as abrupt for the reader as it is for her. This is more a suggestion than criticism, however.

“through his hair” – what colour is his hair? Is it long or short? Good opportunity here just to get in that extra snippet of detail.

Again, this is just a thought, but when you talk about the “sea of desire” it might be nice to continue the metaphor through, i.e. “Any feelings of guilt were submerged…”

“Ava was completely consumed by her emotions.” – you’ve already implied this with the free flowing tears so I’d just cut this bit out.

“against a tree as Mason put a hand” – another point where you could have “he” instead of repeating the name.

That’s all I’ve got to say, the last couple of paragraphs are great, the very end even more so. Most of what I’ve commented on is just little things that may help lift the piece, but on the whole I really enjoyed reading this. Good job, and I hope this review is helpful.

Jamie.

[Carly]

Thank you! I like to focus on minor details in writing, so it's good to hear other people do to. I will find your review very helpful when I go back to edit this!

[The Nude Writer]

I think this is fantastic :) You are quite the skilled writer

[Carly]

Thank you, I'm glad you liked it!

[Felicity's Eve]

Very nice! I love the last paragraph for you can really feel the pain and longing Mason and Ava feel.

:)

[Carly]

Thanks for reading!

[Richard Man]

Well .. damnation is not hell and it isn't eternal. It's the painful spring-loaded trap of guilt imposed and maintained by mothers, sisters, religion, the father-land etc etc.
You are the master of detail as I have said before You are like a great chef knowing just how much spice to flavour a dish to make it fit for a king.

[Carly]

Thanks for reading! I appreciate your feedback.

[Ada Slowe]

oh i loved this story. I'm intrigued. :D

[Carly]

Thank you :)

[Ada Slowe]

You're more than welcome :)

[josh]

i think this is great, you seem to be very discriped, but it is also dis-jointed, but all-in-all its very good

[Carly]

Thanks for the review!