Will I find you tonight?

The first true love is never forgotten. First touch, first kiss leave us wishing for the first dance again.

 

 

                      Will I find you tonight?

Walkaway love left me waiting for her to return.

I remember her black dress and beautiful face. She told me. Dark Poet, We can sing and dance all night long. She reached over and gave me kisses and whispered. The night is never long enough and never enough good whiskey. Damn life don't want us to know any kind of utopia. We are doomed to swim in s**t.

Black skies and wild sea was our paradise. By the light of the Monterey moon. We made promises we couldn't keep. She had her songs and I had the poetry and the Army. 

At the small studio apartment. I watched her paint her face and blacken her nails. I saw in her eyes. She was  preparing her mind.  She wanted to play the guitar with hatred. Wild and sweet Lily lived hard and I scared the s**t out of her.

She found me reading dead-man poetry at the Monterey book store in 1992. Words of dead brothers and war. She sat with me on a Winter night by the sea. She told me, I like you. You are like me, not faking false smiles and sweet dreams.  You have accepted the bullshit of life.

I remember her apartment. Fresh plants and a small bed. A small refrigerator and table near the window. You could see the main street. I remember us drinking coffee and talking of great dreams. She told me nothing last forever lover. What matters is what we do tonight and us finding places where we can go deep and far away from real life.

I watched her playing Stewart, the Doors and Led Zeppelin in the lateness of Winter. She was wearing her t-sheet of white and she raised her eyes up and she asked me. Am I beautiful? Am I worth a damn thing? How long will you stay with me?

I put a Leonard cassette in. Leonard deep voice and song made her rise up and she danced. She took off the t-sheet. Moved slow and easy to the song "A thousand kisses deep".  I got up and I told her. I have become lost in you and I know you can't own love. Love is free to give and can lead us to a madness of no return.

We laid together in soft sheets and blankets for six months. We tried to hide away and wear away dead memory and  create allusion of me and her. She left for Europe in the Spring of 1993. She was my wild bird and I knew I was blessed to had held her. I told her at the airport. You are so beautiful. As beautiful as the free range, the vast sea and the deep forest. You are special. A sweet dream for anyone you want to love. I will stay with you as long as you need me my love. I will look for you when you are gone in the wild waves of the Pacific. I will hear your words in the music.

She kissed me with soft tears falling from her blues eyes and she whispered. Dark Poet live. You made me live and laugh. I'm living my dreams because of you. If you die again. Was my kiss and embrace worth anything?

I drink the whiskey and I wait. I look to the stars filled sky and I do a simple prayer. I need you. I want you. I'm lost without you. You were my sunshine and my sweet place to rest in the cold night. Will I find you tonight?

                          Coyote/John Castellenas

Author's Note

New poetry. I hope you like.

Reviews

[Ashira Macy]

The first love is definitely the hardest to get over, I was in unrequited love with someone for three years before I could move on and find someone new.

She told me, I like you. You are like me, not faking false smiles and sweet dreams. You have accepted the bullshit of life.

I enjoyed these lines. They were blunt and honest, like this relationship.

[Coyote Poetry]

Life can be hard in the emotion of the heart. Heart always believe in some sort of miracle. Thank you for reading and the comment.

[Marina]

sad and romantic, i love that you bring your readers into such a personal and deep memory. that last paragraph is very striking, i think because of the sentence structure. it's very affecting and somehow musical. thank you for sharing :)

[Coyote Poetry]

Thank you Marina. A old story that had become less painful with time and distance.

[MsJewel]

I believe there is a special place in our heart where we keep the memories of a first love forever.
Your poem is bittersweet and beautiful. You have touched my heart today.

:) Julie

[Coyote Poetry]

Than you Julie for reading and the kind words. Time does make all things done less painful.

[Patricia Wedel]

dear Coyote... our experiences make us
who we become. Tread softly and enjoy the
breeze.... that lingers on the black and
ivory keys. truly... Pat

[Coyote Poetry]

Thank you Pat. Old thoughts and places allow us to return to good places.

[Benita-Staebell M - Kin..]

I love Rod Stewart. Nicely done nicely penned
. I have this tune but one I have Cat Steven's Sings First cut is the Deepest that I have.


I was thrown off but some of
the cuss words unlike you but I still liked this piece.


She kissed me with soft tears falling from her blues eyes and she whispered. Dark Poet live. You made me live and laugh. I'm living my dreams because of you. If you die again. Was my kiss and embrace worth anything?

I drink the whiskey and I wait. I look to the stars filled sky and I do a simple prayer. I need you. I want you. I'm lost without you. You were my sunshine and my sweet place to rest in the cold night. Will I find you tonight?



So beautiful Once again
Romantic Poet Friend thank you for
sharing and thank you for your kind review
and comments you left on my page.


Are your children grown I wanted to
ask? or are you a grandfather now?


Blessings. Benita/ Kindred poet

[Coyote Poetry]

I'm a Grandpa. Three grand-boys. Thank you Benita for reading and the comment.

[Benita-Staebell M - KindredPoet]

It's a pleasure my friend. you're very welcome. Blessings. Benita / Kindred poet

[Pryde Foltz]

I drink the whiskey and I wait. I look to the stars filled sky and I do a simple prayer. I need you. I want you. I'm lost without you. You were my sunshine and my sweet place to rest in the cold night. Will I find you tonight?

Isn't it funny how one person can embody so much. A truly beautiful and real tale. Superb.

[Coyote Poetry]

Thank you Pryde. When we allow. We can help people in the same place and lost.

[Lydia Shutter]

As Rod Stewart sang, "the first cut is the deepest" and I truly believe that is the truth. You remember such minute details of the relationship....the music (which is the music of my youth as well) you mentioned, the furniture, the table near the window....all of it brought me to the scene. Yes, accepting the BS of life is important if you want to be a happy person! If she was a free spirit, you knew you could not hold her forever, but she certainly made a huge imprint on your heart. Beautifully written, John....from the heart. Lydi**

[Coyote Poetry]

Thank you Lydia. The Stewart song took me back to good days and places.

[Glen Yumang Manese]

Again...like I read the other of yours this has that feel...Coyote...
your last paragraph....sums this quite nicely...
for the reader and the question in the end puts one to wonder...
just as the person...in the write...

[Coyote Poetry]

Thank you Glen. Old places and memories reappear sometimes.

[Glen Yumang Manese]

you're welcome...

[Dhaye]

They always say that "first love never dies". Yes, I believe that it will never die in your memories because as a young heart to feel such emotion, it is really something one cannot forget...whether a bad or a good memory. But it doesn't always mean you need to bring back the past. For those with good memories like you, there's no wrong in a love being reborn...

Nice piece. Thanks for the share.

[Coyote Poetry]

We must be reborn many times. Part of learning I guess? Thank you Dhaye for reading and the comment.