Stand Still

and I daydream of killing her and no one seeking pity on me as I beg of them to kill me.

I daydream of asking my step brother to let me move in and him rejecting me because of my lack of confidence.

I miss the people around me even if they are so close

and I miss myself when all I want to do is to stop disappointing everyone around me.

Maybe I’m snappy and unkind. who knows.

I can’t even to get my own head on straight.

No job.....no life, seems like the world around me is permanently moving on while I’m at a stand still.

That is me. A stand still.

Author's Note

"I am mostly scared by passing time, and the world it seems gets more unkind. If I go outside I'll fall apart."

Life doesn't seem to be going my way. I want nothing more than the sweet embrace of death's dark hand. I know I'll never do it so I'm left imagining, and crying because that's all I can do about the hurt inside.

Reviews

[Sami Khalil]

We are used to things change and move but to stand still is a different one that can have negative effects. Life is a great teacher but we have to learn and find solutions in the right direction. It all starts from within....Excellent...:)........................

[Coyote Poetry]

A very emotional poem my friend. I hope a fiction poem. I felt the anger to escape and the coldness/sadness in the words. A powerful poem.
Coyote

[😂]

I've read a few of your writings, this one I like the most.

[Einstein Noodle]

patience in life's lessons must be the mother of knowing says i! we can be self centered and say things like "i can not take any more" or "its too much for me" ..i have been told those are actually self lies and if one "stands still" ;) we can find those experiences in our past that we have gone through and "made it" .. you probably don't know who Ann Landers was but...something i read from her a very long time ago was that when thinking such thoughts and feeling such feelings ..to tell ourselves that in three days (just three days) we will not feel the same and sometimes can't even remember what upset us so ()not to trivialize the intent of your expression here) but when suicide or harm to others pops into the equation it is time to seek professional help (not a bad thing) we all need an objective third party now and again ..the tone of your poem is strongly confessional .. i do hope it is not my friend or if so "Stand Still" has already turned thoughts and feeling outward toward a healing .. sorry to get so wordy but i am moved by your write
E.

[Weeping willow]

Very moving in a emotional sense,I hope you find strength to carry you out of the blues.Sometimes life is hard to understand.It's like we've been handed an invisible map to follow;-] Hang in there.

[barleygirl]

Usually I don't like a piece of writing that bleak, but in this case, you are stating a bleak outlook in such deeply honest & specific ways, it's quite startling & even riveting. I'm sorry if this is coming from your own true heart. I'm sorry if this is what life feels like for you sometimes or much of the time. But you've done a great job of showing us how this feels with many relatable observations. I've also been half-heartedly suicidal most of my life (regular depressions). You have described how it's been for me a lot. I think that being suicidal has been what kept me alive all these years (I'm 60 now) . . . and I have a hunch you will know what I mean by this, becuz it seems to be hinted at in your author's note.

These lines completely kick my a*s, they're so true-to-life & freshly-stated:
"I miss the people around me even if they are so close and I miss myself when all I want to do is to stop disappointing everyone around me."

I can only be my true self when I'm alone. After being beaten & raped thru-out my childhood, I automatically go into "people-pleasing" mode, which is when I completely lose myself. I've never heard anyone describe this so accurately as I've often felt it.

I have a feeling you don't think this is a great piece of writing, but it is. Your self-honesty is startling, which is the key to vivid, relatable, heart-moving writing.